I Had Meat… Am I Still Vegan?

After all these years. Now, what? Does it make me a fraud?

Why do you do what you do? Why are you who you are?

Sometimes, we get into autopilot and only do something for the simple fact that it’s what we’ve always done.

But isn’t it supposed to be about the intention behind it? If the energy isn’t authentic, does it matter?

Take, for instance, the Christians who only attend church on Christmas and maybe New Year’s but definitely Easter. Or who only pray the same grace before eating their meal…

They’ve long lost the meaning behind intention and the substance of integrity.

My bad for singling out the Christians. I was one once upon a time so I feel comfy picking on them.

Now on to my veganism.

I’ve been vegan since November 2016. It was an entire experience on what I’ve now recognized and accepted to be the beginning of my transformative journey.

I had watched documentaries about the food manufacturing business, specifically when it comes to dairy cows. Cheese was the one thing I just couldn’t see living without. But, I went all in. I learned about as I could until I felt miserable about a problem I couldn’t end.

While reading Russell Simmons’ book The Happy Vegan, something started to shift in me.

I came home one day, looked at my dog, and felt like an absolute fraud. And that moment forward, I stopped consuming anything that contained an animal to the best of my ability.

It mattered to me. So, I stuck by it. This new state of mind found me more sensitive to the energy of all living beings. It’s hard to talk about without sounding completely weird, but I legit say, “I’m sorry,” when I (realize I) step on an ant.

But lately, something has been happening. Something good, I think, but a little unraveling.

I’m questioning everything. Even more than I had before.

It’s sparking an interest and curiosity in me that is tapping on my very identity. I’m at the point in my life where I (recognize that I) can be — be as a verb, and I’m determining who that is.

So who am I? What do I care about? What really matters to me?

I started looking at all these meals I’ve been passing up here in wonderful southeast Asia. I started wondering how they tasted. I think the center of the city I’m in is vegan heaven, but the non-vegans really seem to like the food here too.

I figured I’d give it a try. I make my rules, so I can break them too.

I had chicken. Twice. The first time I ordered it, wow, it was so hard! As I ordered, I kept thinking in my head, “Am I really going to do this!”

I bit into the crunchy chicken. The texture was amazing. The crunch was. The chicken was meh. I wasn’t impressed. I didn’t finish. But I was content that I’d tried it.

Later in the week, I got tempted by a free-delivery promo and opened the app to see if I could find anything appetizing. I thought about trying meat again. OK, sure, whatever. Try it, I said.

The meal was good. I liked the flavors.

But immediately after, I wanted to hurl. I didn’t want the meat in my body. It’s like I could feel it in there, and I wanted to go in and grab it out. It did nothing for me for the better. Remember, I’m an energy person. And I said it’s weird to explain.

I tapped into my body. I checked in on how I felt. I didn’t get a sense of satisfaction. I didn’t get a sense of disgust either.

I felt indifferent.

And it wasn’t about the meal itself. I think it could have been any amazing dish. The flavors were great.

Still, my body wasn’t thriving any more from eating meat than it was eating chickpea curry over brown rice. I didn’t feel like I gave my body something it needed or was looking for.

Besides, I like how my body feels as a vegan. No lie, I’ve never been more healthy in my life.

My natural energy is exceptional. Everything I get done juggling it all with a 15-month old is wild.

I don’t say all this on some Go-Vegan mission. Honestly, I’m probably one of the most lighthearted vegans I know. Or I’m indifferent. You actually will never hear me tell you, “Eat vegan.”

What you eat is your business. What I eat is mine. I draw the line there and bid everyone a nice day.

But for me, I feel renewed in my veganism since eating meat. And I’m glad I did it.

I’m not just a vegan for a fad or a diet or because I’ve put this ridiculous burden on myself. I actually relate to being vegan because it works for me and my body type. I can feel it by experience, and I don’t need any hashtag or movement to make me hold on to that.

And, that, I think is the definition of integrity.

Who would you be? What would you do? If no one else mattered. Only you?

So, I’m vegan. But I ate meat. So what’s that make me? What really matters?

Isn’t it just another label? Labels, schmabels.

I wanted meat, I ate it, I decided I don’t care for it. I’ve reaffirmed my decision to stay away from it, and like that. To someone, I’m a fraud because I went against my values. But, I say what are values if you don’t question your source of allegiance to them?

It’s all about doing what’s right for you and to You. Really.

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Cheers!