Desk Depression
I had another crying episode at my desk today. These are getting more frequent. It's not dread this time but anguish. It is a mental pain that is always with me. Every waking moment is this feeling of gloom and fog.
The weird thing is, I was drawing when I just started sobbing to myself. I try to draw in-between calls, but something about today just made the tears flow. I was loud enough for my mother to hear from downstairs to ask me, "Is everything alright?"
I don't reply. Another call comes in, and I quickly gather my composure, do my task then proceed back to weeping. Why is it always like this? I want to call the counselling line, but I've already used it once this week.
I think I'm trapped here, and there’s nobody can hear me. I don't like myself today. A lifetime of racialization takes its toll on me even when I'm not physically around people.
I'm not too fond of this feeling, but it is my life right now and for the foreseeable future.