I Got Into Debt Because I Couldn’t Stop Paying For Her

How I learned the difference between different ‘love languages’ the hard way

I was sitting at the kitchen table, overlooking my finances on an iPhone app, when I realized something.

I was flat broke.

Last weekend, my girlfriend and I decided to spend the weekend in a luxurious resort just outside of Moscow.

She wanted to. I couldn’t say no.

We had fun, alright. We relaxed and spent quality time. We ate, we drank, and we slept more than usual.

But that trip cost me $500 (for 2 days), and now I didn’t know how I would live for the next 30 days. That was literally all my money.

I was sitting there, looking at my (almost) empty bank account, thinking. I make pretty good money for my age. More than any of my friends, in fact.

Sometimes I can pay for everybody else during dinner (sometimes I actually do).

But I am also the only one among my friends who has ‘the money problem’. I am not consistent with my finances, and I spend more than I have way too often. I don’t have any savings. I am only 21, and I am already struggling to pay off my credit card debt.

At this point in my thinking, my girlfriend walks into the kitchen and tells me she really wants to get dinner tomorrow at our favorite restaurant downtown. My mind automatically starts racing, thinking about people who can lend me money so that I could take her out.

But then I stop myself. I close my eyes and try not to cry.

What’s wrong with me?…

Nothing much. I just want to feel loved.

My Language Of Love

When I look over the last three years, I realize I almost never spend money on myself. I often eat out at fancy restaurants (in Moscow they’re both cheap and good!) — but I don’t do it for myself.

I do it for her.

Whenever my girlfriend leaves town or goes abroad to visit her family, I can live very frugally. In fact, I can sit at home and just work for the whole week straight. I don’t need much, really.

So what’s happening here?

In 1992 Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages. It became somewhat of a sensation. But you don’t have to read the whole book to get the point, I’ll make it easy for you.

In short, there are five love languages:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Acts of service
3. Receiving gifts
4. Quality time
5. Physical touch

Each one is important and expresses love in its own way. Learn your partner’s and your own primary love language — and you’ll create a strong relationship.

I feel loved the most when people just take care of me (that would be acts of service). But it also seems that my giving love language is that of giving gifts (i.e. paying for everything), although I don’t really like receiving them myself.

When I go out with friends, I reach for the check. When we go out as a family, I am also the one paying. My mother tries to persuade me to stop paying, but I feel that she’s just being nice.

Deep inside, I feel that I have an obligation to pay for everybody whom I meet.

My mind thinks:

I am a man, so I should be the one paying.

Even if I am flat broke.

The Debt of Love

I have debt. A lot of it, actually. I’ve accumulated it over the past three years. And when I think about it, I don’t even know how it happened.

I didn’t buy myself a car. I didn’t get a new iPhone. Nor a new Mac. The only piece of clothing I bought for myself was a warm coat last month — because I was freezing in December London.

I came to the realization, that my debt exists because I am ashamed to admit to the people I love that I might not have money.

Whenever my girlfriend (casually) proposes we go on a trip to Europe, I feel obligated to accept. Declining would be below me (stupid, right?). When her iPhone got stolen, I went to the store and maxed out my credit card to buy her a new one.

She was happy, I was happy that she was happy — so what’s the problem, right?

After all…

Who needs me, if I don’t have money?

I would spend all I had, and if I didn’t have — I would borrow, get into debt, do anything, to show that I have money. My girlfriend didn’t know about it. She thought everything was fine, and that I was richer than god.

Spoiler: I wasn’t.

Where It All Comes From

The truth is, she doesn’t need all of that.

She would rather have me cook dinner than take her out to restaurants. Or have me spent quality time (#4) as an alternative to having all the money in the world.

And she certainly doesn’t approve of the patriarchal standards that pervade in my home country (that would be mother Russia) and family.

As a kid, I remember my father paying for everything. He was a pretty self-absorbed guy (who made me when he was two years younger than I am now), and he didn’t spend time with his kids. In fact, he started talking to me when I turned 16, started applying to college and became interested in business.

He would use money as a way to outsource his love. He would pay for my birthday parties, travels, education (college included), and even fund my first media projects.

When I came of age, the rest of the family kept asking me, ‘Hey, how’s business? How much money do you make?’ — as if it reflected my worth as a man, and as a ‘provider’ for my family.

The 16-year-old me learned that money = love.

By the time I got into my first serious (and extremely toxic) relationship, spending as a way to express ‘love’ became a habit — and a very pernicious one, indeed (which was frequently made use of). That relationship quickly ended (although the debts already started to accumulate), but the habit stayed.

I became an addict.

An addict to spending money. An addict to showing my love through money. And an addict to seeing smiles on other people’s faces, when I reached for the check.

That’s when I met my girlfriend.

Confession

…What’s wrong with me?

I kept asking the same question over and over again. Why can’t I just calm down, and not spend more than I have? Am I so insecure?

Yeah, probably.

We were now sitting together at the kitchen table. My girlfriend was by my side. She was looking at me for the past few minutes, and I could see that she felt something. She asked me what’s wrong (for the past 3 years she learned to sense when something bad was on my mind).

I decided to be honest — for once — and tell her. For a long time, I would go out of my way to make her think that I had the money to provide for us both. But now the situation was out of control.

Like a real addict, I had to go clean. I had to confess. And so I did.

She looked at me with sorrow. “I am so sorry…I…I didn’t know”, she said.

And that was the day we had one of the most honest, deep and sincere conversations of all our time together.

Breaking The Habit

The funniest thing is that you’re actually bad at it…At making money, I mean.

I looked at her with surprise. For a while, we sat silent. And then we both laughed. I realized she was right.

She continued:

I mean, if you were a banker or an entrepreneur, that [spending a lot of money] would actually work… but you’re a writer and blogger. You value ideas more than anything. Give me that. Just be yourself. I love you.

We then talked for a long time and discussed how to get rid of this problem. She told me that her love language was Quality Time — it’s what she needs most from me. She persuaded me, that even if I was broke, she would love me — and money isn’t the point of our relationship anyway.

It’s hard to explain how relieved I was. I realized how lucky I am to have her.

Takeaway (Two, In Fact)

After a long talk and some brainstorming, we decided that the problem is not with money per se. It’s in my idea (and habit) of spending money to show love.

That had to change.

There are two takeaways to this story, which I hope will help you build strong relationships and not make the same mistakes as I did.

Takeaway #1: Be Yourself

We all have gifts. As J. Gardener put it, “Some people make the world meaningful by just being who they are”, and maybe that’s you.

My gift, if I think about it, is inspiring and motivating others (#1 words of affirmation). By giving money — and not my natural gift — I am selling myself short.

Don’t do that. Give your gift to the world.

Takeaway #2: Be Open

Talk to your partner. Learn what their ‘love language’ is. Read the book.

If you give your partner money, while what she (or he) really wants is physical touch, you both lose. More often than not people give others love the way they would want to receive it. Don’t do that. That’s selfish.

In my case, I was giving love through money (gifts), while neither I nor my girlfriend really valued money as a form of love expression.

Give love the way your partner will understand (and able to receive) it.

Follow these two, and you’ll have a chance to build a strong, and meaningful relationship. Not speaking of avoiding making mistakes (like getting into useless debt).

Thank you for reading this. Wish you love.