I Got A Job And Now I’m Too Tired To Write

I didn’t think getting a job would change anything, but now I’m questioning my career and writing goals.

I feel like I don’t know what I want anymore. The ambitious part of me that wanted to do YouTube, write, and be financially free enough to live life on my own terms seems to have disappeared.

For most if not all of my adult life, I’ve been existing, doing the same routine, and living for my weekends. Everything was fine and I was comfortable until the pandemic hit and changed everything.

I experienced freedom in a whole new way. I was one of those people making more money from unemployment than I was working full-time and having the freedom to do whatever I wanted with my time. Aside from what was going on in the world, it was a beautiful time in my life.

All I’ve been wanting to do was recreate those 5 wonderful months in 2020 and I thought quitting my job was the way to do it. The problem is I only got to have that freedom because we were in the thick of a worldwide pandemic. Recreating that freedom meant I needed to figure out a way to not only replace but double my income from home.

Back in May 2021 when I quit my teaching job I knew I had enough experience to get another job fairly easily. I wasn’t worried about that part. I simply needed a break. I was very optimistic and hopeful that the universe would present me with the right opportunities to make money.

The first 2-months of freedom were great. I started my days meditating and journaling for as long or as little as I wanted. There was no rush or time limit because there was nowhere I needed to be. Then I’d work on content for YouTube. When the Vocal Summer Fiction challenge started I definitely thought maybe this is it — this is how I’ll be able to add some money back into my savings. But I didn’t win any of the contests I entered and I wasn’t upset about it either. I knew the odds were slim.

The issue started in August when I didn’t get a 6-week nannying gig which would’ve been perfect. It was part-time, temporary, and most importantly a chance to make some cash. Losing that opportunity was what knocked me back about 10-pegs. I went from hopeful to completely stressed out. After a few more emotional months of unemployment, I went back to work the last few days of October, just in time for my Halloween birthday.

Was this new job a gift from the Universe?

I got the job fairly easily. I was offered the position within two days of the zoom interview. It was a low-key substitute preschool teacher gig, which would provide me with a consistent source of income without all the stress of being a head teacher. Even though I’m a substitute, I’m not an on-call sub, I work 5 days a week 6–8 hours a day depending on the need. I act as extra help in any classroom that needs it and while this is much easier than when I was a head teacher, working with children is draining no matter what role you have.

I’m right back to that boring routine — wake up, get ready for work, travel to work, work, travel home from work, relax, eat, sleep.

Monday through Friday this is what I do. I’m back to living for the weekend. Not to seem ungrateful because I actually like this new job, but there are certain sacrifices you have to make for a job, sacrifices, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to make anymore. I have to force myself to be a morning person. I have to travel to and from in the coldness of winter. I have to rearrange my wants and needs around my work schedule.

In the past, I've been stressed out, stretched thin, and unappreciated. It was years of feeling like that, that made it so I needed a break and if money grew on trees, I probably wouldn’t have come back to teaching at all. Like most writers juggling a 9–5, I’d much rather wake up at my leisure and spend my waking hours exploring my creativity, writing to my heart’s content.

Yet as drained as I am I actually really like this new school. It’s given me hope that I could fall in love with teaching again, which was an unexpected pro. The way this school operates is so much better than the schools I’ve worked at in the past, and because of this, I’m strongly considering teaching older children next school year. Financially it would be a huge step up, but physically and emotionally I’ll have no way of knowing if it’s a good fit until I’m fully in it. Right now as a sub I’m an observer and it all looks good from the deck but I know things can change once I’m fully submerged and dealing with completely unknown situations. Will I still be happy then?

And while I’m happy now, there’s still the con to consider — I’m too tired to write. In the past writing has always sat nicely on the back burner while I gave all my energy to the job that pays the bills. In my heart, I’m ready to focus my energy on monetizing my writing but I also want to sleep. Between having long days at work, ups and downs with my mental health, and my general laziness during the winter months, I’m struggling to do anything more than the bare minimum right now.

If I could do it all, I’d go right ahead and teach, write, make videos for YouTube and all the things, but my time and energy can’t possibly make it work. I’m still trying to figure it out and it’s been overwhelming. Back to the drawing board I go — trying to figure out how to divide my time in a way that would satisfy my love for teaching, writing, creating while still preserving my happiness.

In its simplicity, my goals include long-term happiness, financial freedom, travel and maybe eventually love.

Even as I write this I’ve completely forgotten about my weight loss goals which should be top priority but lately, I’ve been neglecting them. If only I could just hit the pause button on life, a moment where everything comes to a standstill and I could take all the time I need to sketch a complete road map to that ultimate goal. But it doesn’t work like that, life goes on even as I’m moving in an unknown direction and my compass isn’t working.

For now, I’ll just start with these three steps.

Step 1: publish this article

Step 2: take a nap

Step 3: we’ll see…

Thank you for taking a moment to read this. My mission is to live my life as positive and healthy as possible, both mentally and physically. Consider following my publication positively healthy vibes where I’ll be writing about my on/off battle with depression as well as my journey to lose 99 lbs.

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