AGING

I Gave up Quitting

Ban New Year’s Resolutions!

They say chimps get high on fermented fruit but I’m smarter than a monkey

swinging in the trees, I can have just one.

At 17, I gave up booze

my reasoning was this: when drunk, I got self-righteous about how I would always be a Marxist. At 21, I quit weed with purpose but I slid into Pretentiousness: hand-rolled cigs and scotch — only single-malt in 1986.

At 30, I gave up on men I met in pool halls, and swore never would I don another pair of pantyhose.

At 35, I said sayonara to greasy foods.

At 40, red meat went out the window, then office jobs.

When I hit peri-menopause all hell broke loose: I gave up sleeping, too.

At 52, I woke up sober as a preacher, quit my career as an English teacher

Moved to Arkansas in the age of COVID and in 2022

I gave up quitting.

And you can, too.