I Gave Up My Special Needs Son…And It Was The Best Decision Ever

How was I helping my son by keeping him at home?

When you read that headline, you probably had thoughts swirling in your head, such as “what a horrible mother to do something like that?” or “she obviously took the easy way out.” Well, I can tell you that there was nothing easy about what I did.

However, once you learn why I did what I did, you will realize that it was the best decision where everyone involved benefits.

Before getting into the meat and potatoes, I will share a little about myself. I have always struggled with depression and had unprocessed trauma from bullying and scapegoating in my youth for a long time.

I also have two kids. My daughter is 20, and my son with special needs is 18.

I had a great birth with my daughter, but the birth of my son was extremely traumatic to the point that he lost oxygen. Enough oxygen was restored to prevent further damage.

However, he did not hit milestones on time as an infant, and by the time he was two, the pediatrician wanted him assessed. He was diagnosed with autism. He was able to say a few words but not sentences.

It was a shock, and it was devastating. But as a mom, I knew I needed to do what I needed to do to get help the help he needed. And much later on, he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and was prescribed Strattera.

Support Makes A Huge Difference During Special Needs Parenting

The truth is that I did not get much support. After taking him to one therapy session, I needed respite while doing what I could to be there for my daughter.

My son was starting to do well with his ABA therapies while with the school therapists. However, when my husband and I tried working with him at home, he did not cooperate.

Instead of receiving support, I was told to “try harder,” and I also was not allowed to vent. Otherwise, I would be slapped with a big “put your big girl panties and keep working with your son because that is what good mothers do.”

I would also be thrown with plenty of toxic positivity, and the infamous “God gives special kids to special parents so you can do this.”. Oh, and some of his ABA therapists were the ones who said those things to me, too, by the way.

I had lost a lot of friends at this point, and I was isolating myself more and more. In addition, I could not tend to my daughter so much because my son took up my time. Oh, did I ever mention the costs of my son’s therapies? We had to take on extra debt and give up things, and yes, we did receive some help from my parents, but I would rather not elaborate much on that. We had to do what we needed to help him.

Negativity And Depression Were Consuming Me

By the time my son was ten years old, he was falling further behind even though he was in very intense therapy. My mental health was crumbling. I have depression as it is, and I am medication-resistant. My marriage was not in good shape. I was eating myself up to 300 lbs. I also worried about what kind of trauma my daughter would have watching everything.

Otherwise, I was becoming apathetic. I was severely burned out. As a result, my son occasionally went to a respite home. One of the schools my son went to told me about this home. However, even while my son was at the respite house on some weekends, it did not help much with my burnout and depression.

However, the lady who ran the home, I have to say, was the only one who gave me the support I needed emotionally. And one day, she told me, “you know, as I watch your son, he has so much potential to do well, but he will need 24/7 therapy to get him to that point.”.

My first reaction was that there was no way I could afford that then. The therapy he was getting cost an arm and a leg. Then, however, she told me that my son would have to live in a residential setting to receive the therapy, and I would have to take rigorous steps for the government to fund it.

I was taken aback. Yes, I was beyond stressed and burned out with my son at home. It was exhausting having to bathe him, brush his teeth, and clean up his messes. At this point, he was pushing 13. The idea of this was scary.

There Was A Dire Need For A Solution

But the reality is that I could not help my son. I was beyond burned out. I ended up leaving him up to his devices as he destroyed his room. I was 300 lbs. Yes, I ate horribly and stuffed myself because I did not want to feel the sadness, the grief, the pain, and the exhaustion. I also did not want to face the traumas I had suppressed in my psyche.

My daughter was also missing out on so much. My marriage was not good. My son was not happy and was stagnating at home. My husband and I talked about this because this was not a decision to make lightly.

As hard as it was, it was for the absolute best. I will not talk about the grueling process of how to get the funding for it. However, I will say, on September 8, 2017, my son ended up leaving home for good and started getting the best type of therapy.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Was Starting To Show

After my son left, I took time to decompress, but I was beginning to go back to therapy. I also spent more time with my daughter and talked a lot with my husband.

In January of 2018, after some scary bouts of sleep apnea happening more over the past several years, I decided to start taking care of my health. So I went on a plan to lose weight, and the weight was dropping off.

My son at his new place was having some serious behavioral issues. Sure, he was initially confused by living in a strange place, but the therapists were great with him. He was also entering puberty. He went through violent bursts up until he was 15 because of puberty.

However, the therapists knew how to handle him. He was also put on additional meds. By the time he was 17, he was beginning to show how much progress he had made. He not only can care for himself, shower, brush his teeth, and take care of his toileting, but he speaks more coherently; he vacuums, cooks, cleans and does laundry.

The therapists at the group home where he is now 18 teach him essential life skills, and he has the cognitive ability to understand them all. He is going to school until he is 21, then he will go to a day program to learn skills for working. The important thing is that he is happy as he would not have been comfortable at home! He was not happy at home!

My son is doing well. My daughter is doing well. I am doing well, but I still have a lot of mental health issues to face and a lot of the trauma I suppressed for a long time to process. I will need therapy for this for a while.

Another benefit is that I used to be an echoist, which is the opposite of narcissism (you need some healthy narcissism to win in life). An echoist does not want to intrude and is the ultimate people-pleaser. They never use their voice and put the needs of others over theirs.

Over the years, I started to shed the echoism and not only found my voice but began to use it. I have no problem saying “no” anymore, and my needs are no less important than anyone else’s.

Many special needs parents would never imagine doing what I did. However, the situation became desperate because of my poor mental health and lack of support. I will always see the lady who organized that respite home as an angel because not only did she give me the support I needed, but she woke me up. She told me what I needed to do to help my son truly.

The other thing is that my daughter does not need to worry about caring for her brother. She can live her life. That does not mean any of us are abandoning him.

But I feel it is not fair to the siblings to take on that responsibility when the parents can no longer care for the unique needs of their adult children with disabilities. However, every family in this situation does their thing, and if the siblings agree to take it on, that is different.

All I know is what worked the best for my family. Giving up my son was the best thing I did for him and the rest of the family. Martyrdom does not do anyone any favors.