I Gave Away My Last Fuck

And now I’m in crisis

3 days ago, I gave my last fuck.

My dear goldfish, Upton Finclair, passed away. I loved that little guy; his untimely demise left me miserable, bereft, and adrift. In short, I gave a fuck.

My last fuck.

Today, I find myself friendless, jobless, and incarcerated.

I warn you:

Do not give away your very last fuck.

So, how did I get to this lowly state?

1 Day after Upton’s Death

My best friend of 30 years called to tell me her home caught fire while she and the family were out of town. They lost everything. All of their pictures and heirlooms were incinerated. She sobbed in despair.

I paused to consider her dire situation. Then I replied, “Jane, I don’t give a fuck.”

She hurled an impressive stew of obscenities at me and hung up.

2 Days after Upton’s Death

My manager suggested that I revise a presentation for our upcoming quarterly meeting. She asked, “Would a visual like a pie chart or bar graph make sense?”

I looked up from my computer and said, “I don’t give a fuck.”

Her face contorted with shock and fury. “What on earth do you mean, Kristen? You need to explain yourself, FAST.”

“Well, you see, I am simply out of fucks. I have no more fucks to give. The fucks are all gone.”

She stormed off. A few minutes later, HR called me to notify me of my immediate termination.

Today — 3 Days after Upton’s Death

I began driving to Jane’s house in the hopes of repairing our fractured friendship. In my stressed state, I was wild and reckless behind the wheel. I noticed flashing lights behind me and pulled over to the shoulder, a pit in my stomach.

A cop approached my car and rapped on the window. In a stern voice, he asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

I said, “No, and I don’t give a fuck.”

“Excuse me?” He replied, eyes bulging in anger.

“Officer, I am fresh out of fucks. I gave away my last one and there is NOTHING I can do. You must believe me. I am fuckless.”

The cop arrested me and brought me to the station. I am sitting here now, begging one of you to please bail me out.

Or don’t.

I don’t give a fuck.

I was inspired to include driving violations in this after reading Will Hull’s About Me Story: “In one day I got three speeding tickets, one in each of three states (MO, OK, TX).”

Legendary.

I also need to acknowledge Bruce Brill because he is very astute and he will notice my obsession with dead aquatic pets.

And Christopher Robin is the king of goldfish homicide. I tip my hat.