avatarNathalie Saint-Clair

Summary

The author is struggling with recent weight gain after previously losing 50 lbs, and is now recommitting to their health and weight loss journey while also addressing the emotional aspects of the process.

Abstract

The author shares a personal narrative about the emotional toll of regaining weight after significant weight loss during the pandemic. Faced with the reality of having nothing to wear due to the weight gain, the author reflects on the journey of fluctuating weight and the psychological impact of not fitting into clothes that were once loose. The article underscores the author's determination to restart their weight loss journey, acknowledging the challenge of seasonal depression and the need to address the emotional connection to food. The author plans to document their renewed efforts, including dietary changes, increased water intake, and mental health strategies, and invites readers to join them on this journey through various social media platforms and a Medium publication.

Opinions

  • The author expresses disappointment and a sense of failure about regaining the weight.
  • There is a strong emotional attachment to food and body image, which the author recognizes as a significant barrier to weight loss.
  • The author believes in the power of community and writing as tools for accountability and support in their health journey.
  • The author values transparency and authenticity, sharing both the highs and lows of their weight loss experience.
  • There is an underlying optimism that the author can achieve their weight loss goals and maintain a healthy lifestyle by addressing both the physical and emotional aspects of weight management.

I Gained The Weight Back And Now I Have To Deal With It

Part One

Photo by Andres Ayrton from Pexels

As I traveled to work, riding in the back of some Asian man’s van, I wallowed in my sadness. My heart was broken. I was faced with my failure. I mean I saw it every day, but I had been ignoring it. This time I couldn’t ignore it. I was smacked across the face with it. How did I let this happen? The feeling was reminiscent of the way you feel when someone you really like breaks up with you. But I don’t like this version of myself and I certainly do not want to stay this way.

Today I had nothing in my closet to wear to work. The dress code at my teaching job is very relaxed, no inappropriate shirts or ripped jeans, but mostly everything else is okay. Everything I could possibly wear was in the hamper, as I’d worn everything that fit last week. I thought I would find something, but there was nothing. Everything I had left was a size too small.

I’ve been all over the map with my weight — 301, 272, 230 but I struggled to get below 230 and I certainly haven’t seen less than 200 on the scale since my senior year of high school. Last year when I dropped down to under 220 lbs, I started buying a few items that were a size smaller (from a size 18 to a size 16). I slowly started to give away a few of my bigger pants and jeans. I had no idea, I was going to gain the weight back. I thought for sure this was it. This time I’m gonna do it.

Last summer in the midst of the pandemic while so many people complained about gaining weight, I was on a roll with my health and weight loss. By the time I started my YouTube channel (August 2020) I had lost 50 lbs over the past year and I continued on that path up until late November. On November 7th I saw 199 on the scale and I was a mix of excited and emotional. I did it! And just as quickly I undid it!

As I searched my closet, my dresser, the hallway closet, I had to talk myself out of having a full on break down. Breathe you will find something! Tears were ready and waiting to make their debut, but my Uber would be there in 5 minutes, I had no time for a break down. I threw on some leggings and a dress I didn’t like. The dress was wrinkled. With two minutes remaining til my car would arrive, I took everything off and prayed I could get into a pair of size 16 of jeans.

After a lot of tugging and pulling, I got them up and fastened. It was a tight fit, with the jeans digging uncomfortably into my stomach. They were midrise jeans and I have a flat(ish) butt, so I still had to wear a belt to keep my crack from showing, increasing the uncomfortable tightness in the front. I wore them along with a XL t-shirt that was also tighter than I prefer my t-shirts to be. The shirt said I Am nice and big in the center surrounded by the words happy, blessed, fearless, strong, awesome, fierce, grateful. I felt none of those things.

It’s been almost exactly a year since I saw that 199 on the scale. It’s also been just about a year since I fell off the weight loss wagon. I’m now faced with that failure everyday as I see myself in the full length mirror that hangs on my door. I got that mirror specifically to take progress pictures along my journey. I saw myself every day but I never attached any emotion to my weight gain other than the occasional “I really need to lose this weight”. In my head, I did it once before and I’d do it again. And that’s a good goal to have, but what if right now I was looking in the mirror at a woman who had already reached her goal weight because when she hit 199 she kept going. I wouldn’t have the issue of what can I squeeze into to get to work. While I convinced myself it was okay because I’m gonna do it again, today I was faced with a real problem that my weight gain has caused. And that reality was hard to deal with.

I committed to starting over on November 7th, 2021 (that’s a coincidence). But November is when seasonal depression starts to rear its ugly head, though I think it started early this year, which will only make this process of losing weight that much more difficult.

I needed to write about today as a reminder that this is not a place I want to be again. Losing weight is so much more than eating less and exercising. It’s a mental/emotional process. So many weight loss articles focus on the mechanics. I know the mechanics. I’ve researched a lot of weight loss programs. I’ve narrowed down, which ones work for me and which ones aren’t for me. But none of those plans are going to work if I’m emotionally attached to food. If I can’t find the energy to care. If there’s a part of me that doesn't think I deserve to be happy and healthy in my body.

For now I am focused on not letting my emotions choose what I eat, eating smaller portions, and drinking more water. Baby steps.

Next I’ll outline the steps I’m going to take to not let depression completely sabatage my goals. And that includes my writing goals! That article will be my follow up to this.

Thank you for taking a moment to read this. If you want to follow my journey consider following my publication positively healthy vibes as I continue to write about my journey to better mental and physical health. My mission is to live my life as positive and healthy as possible. Right now I am writing daily gratitude posts throughout the month of November. But I’ll also be writing about my on/off battle with depression as well as my journey to lose 85 lbs.

Join my initiative to create a community of Medium writers on Twitter #mediumwriters. Click here to learn more and get involved.

Follow my adventures:
I am Positively Healthy Vibes on both my YouTube & Instagram in which I promote positivity and document my weight loss journey.
Follow Me On Twitter @Nathalie_Clair1 (can y’all believe someone else has that so I had to add the 1) where I promote myself as a writer. 
You can message me directly on Twitter or email me at [email protected].
If you are not yet a Medium Member you can Sign Up Here to get unlimited access to all Medium content for $5 a month.I will receive a referral bonus when you sign-up using my link.
You can also support me by buying me a coffee Here.
Body Image
Mental Health
Depression
Self Love
Illumination
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