I Found Out My Husband Downloaded Tinder

The monogamist starts exploring on his own

I recently got married to my partner of ten years. We followed strict health guidelines and had a small August wedding outdoors, with just a few of our closest friends and family.

I fought getting married for a long time. I’d already been married once, when I was 19. It was a terrible relationship and lasted four years. It left me completely turned off of the idea of marriage for a long, long time.

When I found my current partner, I knew he was someone I wanted to be with for the long haul, marriage certificate or no.

But when I found my current partner, I knew he was someone I wanted to be with for the long haul, marriage certificate or no. Compared to my previous relationship, it was like night and day. There were no nasty below-the-belt arguments. He didn’t neglect me. He didn’t cheat.

Even so, we were together for 10 years before we took the plunge into marriage.

We almost didn’t make it to that point though. About 6 years into our relationship, we went through a serious breakup. I knew I still loved him, but I realized how scared I was to settle down with one person for the rest of my life. So I asked him to move out.

The reason for our breakup wasn’t because of something he was lacking. It wasn’t because something was particularly wrong with him. It was the classic cliché, but cliché because it was true — it wasn’t him, it was me. I broke off our relationship because I wanted to date other men.

When You Realize Breaking Up Isn’t the Right Path

Our breakup lasted maybe a month. In that span of time, I dated one other guy. It wasn’t exactly a great fit, but there was an intellectual connection, and he and I remain friends to this day.

Looking back, I realize that breaking things off with my now-husband wasn’t exactly the way I wanted things to go. After I dumped him, I woke up every morning fearing I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. That was a huge difference from when I broke off my marriage years before. When I’d left my ex-husband, I felt only relief.

I think that’s a clear sign to this day. If you break it off with the person you’re dating, and the first thing you think about every morning is the fear that you’ve made the wrong decision — you probably have.

After I dumped him, I woke up every morning fearing I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.

Fast forward a few years, and my partner and I are now into our fifth month of marriage. He and I have both been married and divorced before, so he understood my hesitancy to get hitched. I’d say one of the biggest factors of why we did it is so that he could be on my health insurance. (Having that is a pretty big necessity, especially with where the world is right now.)

But at the end of the day, I don’t need that piece of paper to keep my commitment to my partner. I stay with him because I want to and choose to.

The thing is — I still want to date other people. And I want my husband to feel free to do the same.

Swiping Right?

I got the sneaking suspicion I wasn’t into monogamy long before I ever voiced anything about it to my husband.

I was struggling with some difficult romantic feelings for a long time. I felt guilty that I wanted to flirt and connect with others, but I also felt like it wasn’t healthy for me to shove my emotions deep down and ignore them.

It’s impossible to force yourself not to feel your feelings or to obliterate your thoughts. Attraction to others is natural. But I wanted something more than just feeling attracted to others. I wanted to act on it. And at some point along the way, I told my husband.

I have a lot of love and passion to give, and it doesn’t deplete when shared among multiple relationships.

I’m secure in the fact that I never want to leave him. He is my first and true love. But for me, connecting with someone else wouldn’t dampen my feelings for my husband one bit.

I have a lot of love and passion to give, and it doesn’t deplete when shared among multiple relationships. And there are certain dynamics that my husband and I don’t share in the bedroom — certain needs I don’t have met, but would like to. We aren’t the most compatible in that area.

When I was younger, I’d watch episodes of Big Love and feel a deep connection to the idea of multiple romantic partners. Honestly, that show depicts all the wrong ways to go about having multiple relationships, and I’d never want three husbands. But understanding that it was a fictional exaggeration of reality, watching it just made me recognize something within myself. I had the ability to be attracted to, and feel love for, more than one person.

My husband has been hesitant about the idea of opening our relationship. He was initially afraid because he was pretty sure he was monogamous. He felt certain I’d fall for someone and leave him. Or, he worried that he would fall for someone and leave me.

We’re big on communicating our feelings with each other, so at least there, I know we’re doing something right.

We’ve made plans to go to couple’s therapy with someone who can help us work through what we want in our non-traditional relationship. We’re big on communicating our feelings with each other, so at least there, I know we’re doing something right. Also, obviously anyone would need to be extremely careful about dating during a pandemic. At this point, casual dating isn’t something I want to risk. Not until vaccines are readily available for everyone and cases are on a major decline.

So when I found out he had downloaded Tinder, in the midst of a global pandemic, I was caught completely off guard.

Where Do We Go From Tinder?

To be fair, he’s the one who told me he’d downloaded the dating app. He was honest about it soon after the fact, but I was even more surprised to find he’d already started chatting with another couple on there.

Tinder is the last place I’d think to go to when you first start dipping your toes into the waters of ethical non-monogamy, and I was surprised at his initiative. Hadn’t he been the scared and hesitant one? Wasn’t I the weird and greedy one, wanting to have my cake and eat it too, while at the same time always trying to be respectful of his limits?

Hearing about his Tinder endeavors made me feel like I’d been doing my best to tiptoe across eggshells, but here he was, all of a sudden taking the ball and running.

Good for him, but I needed him to take me along too! I’d been giving him all my feelings upfront, and I wanted the same courtesy.

Whichever direction our adventures in love take us, I’m all about the honesty.

And funnily enough, I found myself oddly proud of him. Yay for initiative! (I’m a strangely complex woman, I know).

I’m not sure Tinder is the right way to go. He and I aren’t looking for quick hook-ups. And we aren’t looking to find “The One.” What we are looking for is different, meaningful connections outside of our relationship.

After doing a bit of research, I’ve discovered that some people in this lifestyle do like to use Tinder responsibly for non-monogamous dating. But I’d say they aren’t as prevalent there as they are on sites specifically created for non-monogamous couples.

After a few weeks of starts and stops, my husband has lost interest in Tinder — but he has moved on to trying a different app.

I’ve still yet to download a single one. I guess it’s baby steps for me. That’s what I’m comfortable with. I’m all about taking things slow.

And, whichever direction our adventures in love take us, I’m all about the honesty.

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