I Found my Father in my Husband

My subconscious search for a father figure.

I lost my father as a young teen to cancer.

It was just me, my 2 older sisters, my little brother and my mum. That’s all I had.

My father’s family decided to stab us in the back in so many ways possible and my mum was constantly fighting them because of it.

It was exhausting.

After my father passed, 5 months later my uncle was murdered. I was really young so I didn’t fully comprehend how my father passed, but I was very aware of how my uncle passed.

My uncle was the closest thing that I had to a father figure and when he passed, I realised that I would never have a father figure in my life again.

My mum was in a shit place. 2 of the closest men in her life passed away in the space of 6 months. I won’t get into it, but just know life with my mum was hard.

As the years went on and I became a young lady, I was more independent and mature than the average 16-year-old should be.

I was working as much as I could to alleviate the financial stress of my mum. I was trying to be successful in so many ways possible to escape my realities.

The end goal was wanting out.

Mourning my Father Multiple Times

It’s been 17 years since my father passed.

Although I felt like my memories were foggy and my feelings were numb, I remembered missing my father. I remember faint memories of him and would break down from the ache.

I had a few years of mourning him as a teen and then I cracked on with life — because everybody has a sob story and life wasn’t stopping for anybody. (I told you I was way too mature for my age)

Over the years, the memories of my father became more distant. Over these same years, the pain my mum's feeling became more apparent.

And it was all because of my father.

My mum and father’s marriage was arranged. My mum was only 16 when she married my father. She didn’t want to get married but due to culture and pleasing her parents — she did.

After my father passed, my mum was hesitant to tell us the truth about her marriage with my father. I get it, we were young and there are certain things kids shouldn’t hear.

When my mum turned 50 a few years ago, she broke down to me and my brother and told us the truth about my father.

It was a lot to take in. I cried. She cried. My brother cried.

I couldn’t believe what my mum was saying to me. It’s like my father was a complete stranger to me.

A liar. A fraud. A cheat.

It all started to make sense why my father’s family was behaving the way they were, why my mum was left with nothing to her name, and why she was in this spiral of depression for the majority of her life.

And this is where I had to mourn my father again, but this time for who he truly was and not the facade he was putting on.

This mourning process was the angriest I’ve ever been at someone.

Someone who can’t even defend themselves.

But the fact was that if he was alive and committed the same actions, I would have cut him out of my life.

So that’s exactly what I did.

I acted like I didn’t know my father. Sometimes I acted like I didn’t have one.

My Husband Filled the Void of my Father

As I said, I was a go-getter.

I wanted to be successful, have a great career, have a lot of money, and get out of the hole I was in.

I became more independent by the day.

So independent that I started to question the need for a man when I had been doing everything for myself my whole life.

I didn’t need a man.

But then I met my husband (at the time my boyfriend).

And that statement of me not needing a man went straight out of the window.

The big independent girl who could do everything for herself became a soft needy woman.

A woman who realised that she’s been yearning to be loved.

A woman who realised that she needed somebody to protect her.

A woman who realised it was okay for somebody to provide for you.

A woman who realised that she needed someone to do what her father didn’t/couldn’t.

And that’s when I realised that although I don’t have the best father in the world, I have a husband who is trying every day to give me what I lacked growing up.

Love. Protection. Stability.