avatarY.L. Wolfe

Summary

The author, Yael Wolfe, discusses the societal expectation for women to suppress their anger and the personal struggle she faces in expressing a full range of emotions, particularly anger, due to the negative reactions it provokes.

Abstract

Yael Wolfe reflects on the cultural pressure for women to be "nice," which often means suppressing anger and other strong emotions. She recounts personal experiences where expressing anger led to criticism and disapproval, highlighting the double standard faced by women compared to men in emotional expression. Wolfe challenges this norm by asserting her right to feel and express anger, arguing that it is a natural and valid human emotion that should not diminish a woman's credibility or worth. She advocates for the acceptance of women's anger as a catalyst for personal and social change, emphasizing that emotional authenticity is crucial for both individual well-being and societal progress.

Opinions

  • Wolfe believes that maintaining a "nice" demeanor as a woman is hard work and involves suppressing natural emotions like anger.
  • She points out that even when women have justifiable reasons to be angry, such as infidelity or gender discrimination, they are often criticized for expressing this emotion.
  • The author notes a double standard where male anger is commonly accepted, while female anger is met with resistance and disapproval.
  • Wolfe references the work of Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., to explain why society fears angry women, suggesting that their anger can lead to personal and social change, which is threatening to the status quo.
  • She insists that women, like all human beings, have a right to a full spectrum of emotions, including anger, and should not be confined to societal expectations of perpetual pleasantness.
  • Wolfe argues that her anger does not compromise her credibility and that she, and all women, deserve grace and understanding when expressing strong emotions.
  • She resolves to embrace her anger and to support other women in expressing theirs, advocating for a more inclusive emotional landscape for everyone, regardless of gender.

I Forgot I’m Not Allowed to Be Angry

Why I insist on being a woman who expresses a full range of emotions

Photo by Kasra Karimi on Scopio

I’m a nice woman. It’s probably the first thing people who know me would say about. I’m nice. I’m gentle. I’m soft-spoken. I’m compassionate.

I am proud of these qualities and I work my ass off to maintain them. People think being nice, gentle, and compassionate is easy. No, effortless. Especially for a woman. (It’s how we’re expected to express our femininity, after all.)

But you know what? It’s hard work. It demands that I shut my mouth more often than not and listen to other people. It necessitates constantly acknowledging the fact that everyone is going to have their own perspective and that I have to celebrate that fact. It obligates me to ceaselessly ask myself what I can give up, let go, and forgive. And it requires me to immediately dissociate myself from anger when it rises within me — or at least to try — so that I can interact in peace or choose not to engage in conflict.

Anger is not nice. Anger is not gentle.

But over the past year, I’ve been questioning my lifelong decision to maintain my conduct as a “nice woman.” I’ve been questioning the validity of my determination to sidestep anger.

I had a moment of reckoning when my partner was leaving our house for the last time to go live with the girlfriend he had cheated on me with, and I asked him very firmly for his copy of the house key. He said no, that he wanted to be able to get back in just in case he had forgotten something.

“You can call me if that happens and we’ll arrange something. But you’re not leaving this house with that key.”

It was the only time in our seven-year relationship I had ever spoken to him so forcefully.

He stared me and I could see the fury in his eyes, but he relented and reluctantly handed the key over. “You were always such a nice person,” he hissed. “I don’t understand why you’re behaving like this.”

Yes, he had just committed infidelity, was leaving me for another woman, and was abandoning all our broken financial agreements, expecting me to pay all those penalty fees — but he was calling me out for not being nice anymore.

I was the bad guy just because I was angry.

I always forget this: I’m not allowed to be angry.

I know this for sure because even though I’m so nice, even though I have archives of writing that demonstrate my compassion and reasonableness, the very few times I express my anger or speak forcefully, I am always, always, always called out. Guaranteed.

In general, he/she/they have followed me for months and occasionally commented positively on an article about sex or nature or my family. But the moment I express anger, they object. They object specifically to the emotional approach of my argument, to my “volatile” or “incendiary” word choice, or to the “negativity” of my tone.

Many of them end their criticisms by telling me they will no longer be following me. I’ve crossed a line for them.

“You were always such a nice person. I don’t understand why you’re behaving like this.”

I’m a woman. I’m supposed to be pleasant. Nurturing. Generous. Soft.

It’s okay for a man to express his anger. We don’t question it when a male athlete throws a temper tantrum on the court or the field. But damned if Serena Williams can get away with that. We have no criticism for male politicians who speak with anger and force, but female politicians who express anger are called to task — and not because what they said was wrong, inaccurate, or harmful, but because they were angry.

Our culture clearly cannot handle an angry woman. The pushback is hard, strong, and immediate.

Why are angry women so threatening?

According to Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.:

“If we are guilty, depressed, or self-doubting, we stay in place. We do not take action except against our own selves and we are unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may change and challenge the lives of us all, as witnessed by the past decades of feminism. And change is an anxiety-arousing and difficult business for everyone, including those of us who are actively pushing for it.”

I realize I’m not allowed to be angry…but I can’t help it. I’m actually a human being before I’m a woman, which means I come with a complete range of human emotions. That includes anger.

I know this culture has instructed me to set the anger aside. Put it in a box somewhere, like Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in Seven.

Be nice.

But I can’t. I’ve tried.

I know I’m breaking the rules, but…

  • I’m mad that I have to work so hard just to negotiate the same salary as a male coworker even when I have more education and experience.
  • I’m mad that I’ve spent my entire adult life looking into the backseat of my car and then glancing over my shoulder before getting in.
  • I’m mad that I’ve never felt a sense of equality in a romantic relationship and never even felt like I had the right to demand that.
  • I’m mad that I have had male doctors dismiss my legitimate health problems as “anxiety.”

And I’m pissed that I’m expected to swallow my justified anger. That I have to pretend I don’t feel it or worse — that I shouldn’t feel it.

And here’s the biggest offense of all: I want to be angry. I want you to throw the oppressors into my volcano. I want to hang skulls from my belt. I want to lead an army of the dead into a battle for the freedom of all marginalized people.

Is that really so horrible?

Can’t I just be a human being with all the feelings?*

I had a fight with a friend recently in which I expressed my anger at a negative dynamic in our relationship that has worn on me over the years.

Shocked, she scolded me, telling me my anger was inappropriate.

“No,” I insisted. “I’m allowed to feel anger. I’m allowed to express it.”

I could tell she was nervous and couldn’t seem to get around her objection to my anger. But I stood firm. The last time we had had an argument was eight years ago.

“Isn’t it okay that I can get mad once or twice a decade?” I asked.

She didn’t seem convinced.

So I’ve decided to answer that question for myself. YES. Yes, I’m allowed to get angry a couple of times a decade. In fact, I’m allowed to get angry several times a day, if the feeling arises.

I know. Pretty daring, right?

In another recent conflict with someone who reacted with harsh criticism about one of my angry articles, the objector said I had lost all chance of being considered a credible voice because my tone was too angry.

No. Fuck no.

That is straight-up gaslighting. I get to be angry when I feel angry and my anger has nothing to do with my credibility.

Secondly, I’m allowed to speak my mind, even when experiencing heated emotions, even if that means my word choice might not be perfect. I’m allowed to stop holding myself to impossible standards of communication, to not have to work so damn hard to perfectly craft my words in a way that will make an impact with the least amount of tension possible.

I’m allowed to exist, feel, emote, and speak without having to prioritize everyone else’s comfort.

And if I make a mistake… Given the context of the extreme care I exhibit in the ways in which I conduct myself, I’m allowed to ask for some grace. I deserve to be forgiven and not written off as an angry, irrational bitch.

I know I’m not allowed to be angry — but I’m gonna be. I’m giving myself permission. And I’m gonna cheer on all my sisters when they are channeling anger.

I’m nice. And I’m angry, too. And I insist on all of it.

*To all my brothers in this world: I realize you deal with the same problem, though on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. You are criticized and written off for feeling and expressing vulnerability or any “feminine” emotions. I hear you and see your struggle and I will use my anger to fight against this emotional tyranny for the good of us all.

© Yael Wolfe 2020

This is me, taking up space:

Feminism
Women
Sexism
Equality
This Happened To Me
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