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Abstract

a nagging thought.My spouse and I intended to have kids, but it just never happened.It didn’t happen via the traditional route or the untraditional route which we never sought.I couldn’t see myself going through the ups and downs of IVF or any other infertility treatment.I can barely tolerate the yearly exam with my gynecologist and the dreaded speculum.As a woman, our role as co-procreator is expected of us by society and ourselves.When we don’t or can’t fulfill that role for various reasons, there is a range of emotions we feel such as confusion, guilt, frustration, anger, sadness, or relief.I have guilt.Guilt that I didn’t have a child.Guilt that I didn’t try harder to have a child.Guilt that I didn’t provide a grandchild to my parents and in-laws.Guilt that I didn’t give my spouse a son or daughter or

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both.My spouse would have been an awesome father.Sometimes I feel like I robbed him of that opportunity even though he has never said that.The tears run down my cheeks as I think of the could have beens.The first time they wrap their little hand around your thumb and heart as you hold them.The first step.The first word.The first day of school.Even though I have tried to reconcile my feelings about this subject internally, I know that I need to find closure and healing.So, this article is my letting go ceremony.Letting go of the expectations, guilt, sadness, and could have beens.I am placing all those emotions and feelings on an iceberg and pushing it off to float into the hands of the universe where it can be transformed into something better.I forgive myself.</article></body>

I Forgive Myself

For not giving my spouse and me a baby

I was in the shower both times when the idea of this article popped into my head.

Maybe the most personal things make their way into our minds at that time because we are naked and vulnerable.

Or maybe the act of showering cleanses us not just physically but also mentally, emotionally, energetically, and spiritually so that the depths of our souls open up to reveal our innermost thoughts.

There was a nagging thought.

My spouse and I intended to have kids, but it just never happened.

It didn’t happen via the traditional route or the untraditional route which we never sought.

I couldn’t see myself going through the ups and downs of IVF or any other infertility treatment.

I can barely tolerate the yearly exam with my gynecologist and the dreaded speculum.

As a woman, our role as co-procreator is expected of us by society and ourselves.

When we don’t or can’t fulfill that role for various reasons, there is a range of emotions we feel such as confusion, guilt, frustration, anger, sadness, or relief.

I have guilt.

Guilt that I didn’t have a child.

Guilt that I didn’t try harder to have a child.

Guilt that I didn’t provide a grandchild to my parents and in-laws.

Guilt that I didn’t give my spouse a son or daughter or both.

My spouse would have been an awesome father.

Sometimes I feel like I robbed him of that opportunity even though he has never said that.

The tears run down my cheeks as I think of the could have beens.

The first time they wrap their little hand around your thumb and heart as you hold them.

The first step.

The first word.

The first day of school.

Even though I have tried to reconcile my feelings about this subject internally, I know that I need to find closure and healing.

So, this article is my letting go ceremony.

Letting go of the expectations, guilt, sadness, and could have beens.

I am placing all those emotions and feelings on an iceberg and pushing it off to float into the hands of the universe where it can be transformed into something better.

I forgive myself.