I Figured Out My Sexuality

For 26 years, I didn’t know there was a term for people like me

What is sexuality?

We hear terms like straight, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, heterosexual, and homosexual frequently. We think of these few groups when we hear the term sexuality, but it covers a much broader spectrum. A spectrum that most of us do not know about.

Human sexuality is the way people experience and express themselves sexually.

We live in an age of casual sex, one-night stands, and friends with benefits. Living one swipe away from the next relationship, romance is now more convenient than ever.

Some mystical inner voice is supposed to let us know if the person on the other side of the screen is the right fit for us. For some, this is much more difficult than others. For people like me, who identify as demisexual.

For the longest time, my sexual identity was just straight. While my friends talked about hook-ups and tinder, I was bewildered. The idea of hooking up with a stranger seemed to excite them. The thought gave me anxiety instead.

How can you be attracted to someone you know nothing about?

One night stands were common themes in movies as well as in the lives of people close to me. So why did the concept feel dull and tiresome to me? Was I just an old-fashioned soul living in a hypersexual world?

Demisexual (n.) a person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

When I came across this term on social media, everything started to make sense. I always wanted to have a true, meaningful connection with a person before getting physically intimate. While many view sex as a necessity that doesn’t require feelings, for me, sex is all about trust and emotions.

What is demisexuality?

Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity. Meaning demisexuals can only be attracted to someone once an emotional bond is established.

But isn’t it normal to want sex only after knowing someone?

Not really. Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum can feel sexual attraction towards co-workers, strangers on the street, or even celebrities, regardless of whether they have an emotional bond with them or not.

What they do with this attraction is in their hands, while the feelings are not. For a demisexual, these feelings are never the starting point.

Most of us require emotional intimacy for feelings to arise, and so, some demisexuals find themselves attracted to friends or romantic partners. Forming an emotional bond may take months, or years but it is only a prerequisite and not a guarantee that sexual attraction will occur.

How do you know if you are a demisexual?

Sexuality is deeply personal. It is fluid, often changing with your experiences in life.

You may already have a suspicion that you are, but you just don’t know for sure. It is difficult to describe to someone who doesn’t feel this way, because demisexuality is quite subtle.

Most of your relationships start as friendships.

You may want to be in a relationship, but the whole casual dating thing doesn’t appeal to you.

I could never wrap my head around sex after three dates. Do people expect sex on a first date? Yikes! Even dating many people seems daunting or tiresome.

When emotional intimacy is your main requirement, getting physical too early is not a good move. This is why, dating friends or someone you already know seems much more comfortable. It just makes sense to me. Once I know I can trust someone and what makes them tick, it is much easier for attraction to develop. Almost all of my relationships, started as deep friendships.

Your definition of attractive is different from others.

Sure I like to look at beautiful men and women on the screen or around me. But it is only in the sense of appreciating beauty. The attraction- if there is any- is fleeting.

Most people are first drawn in by primary attraction( what you see first- a person’s looks, aesthetic, and/or the way they carry themselves). Demisexuals operate solely based on secondary attraction, which is more rooted in personality and the way you connect with someone.

It is like looking at someone and not being attracted to them until after you get to know them.

You are nervous about dating.

While everyone is complaining about how commitment-phobic our generation is, a demisexual’s problem is different. You cannot tell if you want to date someone after one date.

Even though you don’t want to lead anyone on or ghost them, it is almost impossible for you to decide whether there is any romantic or sexual attraction. The only way to know is to date for a longer time leading to a tricky situation.

Someone might be a good potential friend, but it is hard for me to know if that friendship will blossom into attraction later on. As most dating apps are focused on appearance, this makes finding someone this way even harder.

You enjoy sex but under specific circumstances.

Unlike asexuals, who are repulsed by sex, demisexuals enjoy sex- when specific needs are met. Specifically, you need a strong emotional connection.

For some, when you have sexual feelings for one person (like when in a relationship), it’s impossible to imagine being attracted to someone else.

Put in a situation of being physically intimate with someone I do not have an emotional bond with makes me feel uncomfortable than aroused. Sex is more about expressing love and intimacy, than satiating a physical need.

Emotional bonds are extremely important.

Trust, intimacy, and vulnerability are what matters the most. Often, I feel a sense of satisfaction after long, meaningful conversations. The thrill of a hook-up is nothing compared to the satisfaction after a night of personal conversation.

These are just some of the characteristics of a demisexual person. Sometimes, being a demisexual, it is difficult to relate when people talk about crushes or dates with random people.

Sometimes it feels like I am the odd one out or the only one. Being called ‘old-fashioned’ by others who cannot fully understand why I am not interested in the hook-up culture. In a world where decisions regarding compatibility are made through a profile on the screen, I feel isolated.

I need more, and that does not mean there is something wrong with me.

Everyone experiences sexuality differently. Whether you want to label it or not, if it helps you to understand yourself better, it’s all good.