I Feel Punished

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Abstract

kids, who never asked to be abuse and never had a choice, are more likely to develop a multitude of physical health issues. Not because of life choices after the fact! It’s due to how our epigenetics literately alter how our bodies work thanks to the abuse.Excuse my language but… WHAT THE FUCK?Let me explain this from my perspective. I was tortured, treated like hell, neglected, and sexual abused for nearly a decade and that wasn’t enough?? It wasn’t enough to feel like a prisoner in a concentration camp, forced to submit and bend to every adults whims for my body, mind, and soul. Beaten when I tried to voice my objections, silenced as I was forcibly raped by a man decades older than me, and blamed for the death of an infant. That wasn’t enough?Not according to how our bodies react to abuse it wasn’t. Now I have to deal with alterations within my brain to handle emotions. I get to deal with physical alterations within my body I have zero control over and can’t alter at all. My body that sets itself up to fail and leaves me at risk for chronic illness. The actual abuse may have stopped, but the effects linger now my whole life.AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK!Some of the data shows that 61% of the population is at the same risk. Why is this not a part of the conversation? Why aren’t we told all of this?It gets better… the CDC has this massive portion of their website dedicated to the impacts and prevention of childhood abuse and trauma. I’ve asked 1,000 people (literally thanks to Facebook) and not a single one kn

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ew this was even available. NOT ONE of the 1,237 people. How is that possible?It’s possible because people don’t true care or they can’t face the real issues right in front of their faces. It makes me angry that the suicide rates for teens is astronomically high. What are we doing? Why isn’t this ever discussed?Our lack of knowledge (even me) and open discussions into the long term impacts of childhood abuse and trauma sentences these kids to a life of hell, pain, and premature death. That doesn’t even count the financial impacts of the life long health issues!As one of these abused, I’ve been released from prison to just play in the yard. I still don’t have freedom. I never will. I’ll always have to worry or deal with some aspect of long term physical damage. I’ll never be able to escape that. I can live my life the best I can through all of the physical health issues, including new ones that may come without any input from my actual choices.I’m angry. Fired up right to my very soul that this isn’t part of our everyday conversation. It makes me angry thinking about all those that should have protected me from the childhood nightmare I lived. They sentenced me without trail for something I didn’t do or deserve to have happen. THIS is the world we live in today.I cannot even begin to express how disheartening this news is. I can tell you that it has renewed my passion to help every kid I can find that’s being abused and help them in every way I possibly can. I never deserved it and neither do they!</article></body>

How abuse has left me feeling like I’m deeply flawed

My entire life, I have felt like I was flawed. It’s felt like I was meant to be a diamond, created from the pressures of the world, and somehow I’m just a cracked and shattered person, inside and out. I know that’s the wrong view point to have. I’ve proven I’m a survivor time and time again. I still feel like the photo of the doll above.

I’ve recently been doing research into how childhood and narcissist abuse can impact a person. These abuses impact you mind, body, spirit, and soul. They leave you damaged in ways that are difficult to explain. I’m not using any of this as an excuse for any type of behavior. But… dammit when do I get to just be normal?? Not that I even know what normal actually is.

In my digging through research data (a favorite past time because for a marketing professional, data is life), I discovered thousands of research studies on the long term impacts of childhood abuse and trauma. Every piece of research information I read made me angry. After two days of digging, I’m just pissed.

All of the data I’ve discovered (I have an article waiting to be published now) shows that kids, who never asked to be abuse and never had a choice, are more likely to develop a multitude of physical health issues. Not because of life choices after the fact! It’s due to how our epigenetics literately alter how our bodies work thanks to the abuse.

Excuse my language but… WHAT THE FUCK?

Let me explain this from my perspective. I was tortured, treated like hell, neglected, and sexual abused for nearly a decade and that wasn’t enough?? It wasn’t enough to feel like a prisoner in a concentration camp, forced to submit and bend to every adults whims for my body, mind, and soul. Beaten when I tried to voice my objections, silenced as I was forcibly raped by a man decades older than me, and blamed for the death of an infant. That wasn’t enough?

Not according to how our bodies react to abuse it wasn’t. Now I have to deal with alterations within my brain to handle emotions. I get to deal with physical alterations within my body I have zero control over and can’t alter at all. My body that sets itself up to fail and leaves me at risk for chronic illness. The actual abuse may have stopped, but the effects linger now my whole life.

AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK!

Some of the data shows that 61% of the population is at the same risk. Why is this not a part of the conversation? Why aren’t we told all of this?

It gets better… the CDC has this massive portion of their website dedicated to the impacts and prevention of childhood abuse and trauma. I’ve asked 1,000 people (literally thanks to Facebook) and not a single one knew this was even available. NOT ONE of the 1,237 people. How is that possible?

It’s possible because people don’t true care or they can’t face the real issues right in front of their faces. It makes me angry that the suicide rates for teens is astronomically high. What are we doing? Why isn’t this ever discussed?

Our lack of knowledge (even me) and open discussions into the long term impacts of childhood abuse and trauma sentences these kids to a life of hell, pain, and premature death. That doesn’t even count the financial impacts of the life long health issues!

As one of these abused, I’ve been released from prison to just play in the yard. I still don’t have freedom. I never will. I’ll always have to worry or deal with some aspect of long term physical damage. I’ll never be able to escape that. I can live my life the best I can through all of the physical health issues, including new ones that may come without any input from my actual choices.

I’m angry. Fired up right to my very soul that this isn’t part of our everyday conversation. It makes me angry thinking about all those that should have protected me from the childhood nightmare I lived. They sentenced me without trail for something I didn’t do or deserve to have happen. THIS is the world we live in today.

I cannot even begin to express how disheartening this news is. I can tell you that it has renewed my passion to help every kid I can find that’s being abused and help them in every way I possibly can. I never deserved it and neither do they!