I Feel Guilty I Didn’t Report the Abuse
Since age 16, I can’t stop thinking about this. It has been rattling in my brain for 36 years. Since I learnt it was a criminal offence.
I try to rationalise my way out of it.
It was the 1980s. The resources available were scanty. Adults held all the power and teachers were even allowed to beat children and it was not illegal. Repugnant.
The powers that be will argue that it’s termed corporal punishment. Something I’m deeply against. An adult doing the same to another adult would be thrown into jail for assault. It enrages me to no end.
How could I even have faith in such a system?
But I still carry a burden. The guilt of another victim after me.
God forbid. More than one victim.
If only I had been brave enough to raise the alarm. They might have been spared. But I was a coward. Unforgivable.
The guilt corroded me from within.
Every time I saw a story on TV about brave victims who came forward, together with other victims and brought their assailants to justice it filled me with hope. Usually, they were adults by then and in another country.
I wanted the other victims to find me instead. How sickening of me. But in my heart, I prayed there were no others.
I used to scan the newspapers after he was out of my life. I was still in junior college. But I could breathe a little. I was without the threat of an immediate physical presence. No more needing to be on high alert every week.
I would scan the newspaper for reports that the ruse was up. He had been found out. Sacked from his high-paying respectable job and jailed.
When I didn’t find anything, I would look at the obituary section hoping he would be dead. Morbid I know.
In school and on Oprah they preached to forgive. Was there no place for my rage?
I then wondered. If I had made a report and by some miracle, the truth of a child is taken over by the lies of a paedophile, would I be okay?
A resounding NO. For then I would be ruining the life of his sweet daughter. Someone I never met, but imagined in my head. She had such a beautiful name. When he talked to her over the phone, he spat out the words. I wondered why he hated her.
Not everyone deserves children.
I would be responsible for her destruction. An innocent. I couldn’t live with that either.
Worst of all, I would also crush my parents. Their well being affected. My idyllic childhood tarnished. There would be a domino effect. Why should they have to suffer? I could minimise the damage.
As much as I thought I hated him. I wouldn’t want him to suffer in jail either.
In Singapore you could be caned for molest. I find that punishment barbaric.
Is it truly a deterrent? I don’t want to be tied to that.
I’d rather there be awareness and the voices of children amplified. Greater protections for the vulnerable. Society to be more vigilant. A sex offender registry.
What I wanted was a written admission and apology. That would suffice.
I’m sorry dear readers to burden you with this, but I don’t know where else to go.
This is my attempt to save myself. I can finally remove the gag a repressive, oppressive society placed on me.
I know I am a cancer survivor, but only a minute ago, did I realise I’m a child SA survivor. I don’t even like spelling it out. It disgusts me. I’m glad there’s an acronym.
Tagging my kind friends who make me feel less alone. 🙏🏽🩵 And I realise my story is just one of millions. Millions of silent or silenced victims.
Janet Daniels-Thomas , Adrian CDTPPW , Autistic Widower («AJ») , Dave Gottlieb , Bruce Coulter , Nanie Hurley 🌿 , Claire Franky , Tannille ⭐️ , Lynn L. Alexander , Adrienne Beaumont , Keeley Schroder , Doro Volkova , Prasanna Srinath Subhasinghe , TzeLin Sam , Yana Bostongirl , bluesapphire , Katy Lin , Linda Ng , Elvie Lins , William Michael Williamson , John Welford , John Whye , A A McRae , Britt H. , John Hansen , Supritha Kamalanathan , Tony Frank , Jimwebster , Jill Eng , Toni The Talker , Joy DeSomber , Fé Valvekens , Michael Rhodes , Michele Maize , Ruby Noir 😈 , Olivia is typing…