Summary

The author describes their journey of growing up hating their father due to his strict and unsympathetic parenting style, and how this hatred led to personal growth and a conscious decision to become a better person and parent.

Abstract

The author of the article shares a personal story of their complicated relationship with their father, who was perceived as overly cautious, rigid, and lacking in understanding and empathy during their childhood. Despite the father's positive traits such as honesty and familial love, the author's resentment stemmed from the father's authoritarian approach, which included strict rules, discouragement of personal interests, and a lack of concern for the children's mental well-being. This resentment fueled the author's determination to not emulate their father's behavior. At the age of 14, the author began to make deliberate changes, such as reading widely, traveling, learning household tasks, and focusing on present happiness. They also took steps to protect their siblings' interests, like encouraging their younger brother's love for drawing, which their father discouraged. The author eventually came to understand their father's behavior as a manifestation of his own fears and insecurities, leading to empathy and forgiveness. The article concludes with the author's advice to others with difficult relationships with their parents: to forgive, learn from their parents' mistakes, and strive to be better themselves.

Opinions

The author believes it is acceptable to hate one's father for negative childhood experiences but emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and personal growth.
They suggest that understanding a parent's past and the reasons behind their behavior can lead to empathy and healing.
The author advocates for actively changing one's own behavior to avoid repeating a parent's negative patterns.
They encourage readers to become better parents by learning from their own parents' shortcomings.
The author stresses the significance of caring for one's mental health and that of one's siblings in a challenging family environment.
They quote Alexander Pope to illustrate the cyclical nature of generational perspectives on parenting.
The author promotes the idea of taking care of aging parents despite any negative experiences with them in the past.

I Feel Blessed That I Grew up Hating My Father

It’s okay to hate your father.

I grew up hating my father.

I said it.

Period.

My hatred for my father had a huge contribution to building my personality. I decided early in my childhood that I would not become like my father, no matter what. I tried my best (and still try) — and I think I am quite different from him.

But why was I so desperate to be different? Was my father a bad person? Well, my father was never an alcoholic or abuser. On the contrary, he was (and still is) an honest person who loves his family. But I grew up hating him because, throughout my childhood, I found him over-cautious, rigid, and terrible at parenting.

Unsurprisingly, I heard a lot of “NOs” in my childhood. My father was like an angry god. He never tried to understand me or any of my siblings. He would always shout at everything with his commanding voice. Oh! I despised that the most.

My father was just a typical parent — always complaining and never satisfied with his kids. Even when I stood first in the exam, he would say that I should have gotten more marks.

Playing outside with other kids was forbidden, reading books other than the school curriculum was prohibited, watching TV was highly discouraged, and so on. I can still remember the day when my father beat me up badly with a wooden stick just because I went to play with the kids he didn’t like (for no reason).

Again, there was no concept of pocket money in my childhood. If I asked for some money to buy anything I really like to have, he would come up with thousand reasons why that’s just a waste of money. I felt heartbroken and hated him more. Not because he didn’t buy me those things — but the way he shouted at me with an angry look on his face made me insignificant and so little.

Me, my siblings, even my mother — we were always scared of my father’s bad temper. His bad temper and shouting, and not caring about our mental health gave me a tough childhood. Consequently, I grew up hating my father more than anything else in the world.

There was a light-year distance between my father and me though we lived in the same house. But with time, I started to understand that if I don’t change a few things in me, I will end up being just like my father.

So, at around 14 years of age, I decided to introduce some changes in my life. I started unfollowing my father to become a different person —

I started reading various books to widen my worldview.
I developed a habit of traveling.
I learned cooking (and other household works)from my mother.
I started worrying less for the future and being happy in the present.
I deliberately tried to control my anger (It’s the only thing that I still struggle to master).

And most importantly, as an elder brother, I started taking care of the mental health of my siblings. I started caring what they like and what they don’t.

For example, my younger brother loved to draw, but my father highly discouraged that. So, when my father went to the office, I told my little brother to draw whatever he liked and hid those photos under my bed so that my conservative father didn’t notice them.

As they say, everything happens for a reason. I understood much later in life that there were many reasons why my father was so bad-tempered and all. He had gone through so many things in life that made him the man he is today — his struggling past, life-long financial insecurity, fear to take risks, his rigid spiritual stance, extreme introversion, his unwillingness to learn what he doesn’t know, etc.

And I understood that my father actually hid all his fear and insecurity under his bad temper. Sadly, he never realized how his behavior impacted us. Now, I really feel sorry for him.

I know that many of you hate your father (or mother) too. They are not angels. They have their faults. And I understand it.

Maybe they inflicted pain when you were young. Maybe they never understood what you wanted from them. Maybe they failed to be on your side when you needed them the most. Maybe they completely ruined your childhood. Now, what can you do?

Past is past and I feel sorry for your loss. I feel sad that your parents ruined your childhood and maybe they are still ruining your present. And I am extremely sorry that their lifestyle and behavior impacted you negatively.

I know — it’s completely okay to feel hatred towards your parent. But what’s more beautiful is to forgive and forget the bad things your parents did to you and turn your negative feelings into something good and positive.

Be a great parent — a thousand times better than your dad or mom. No one is stopping you. You can unfollow your father (just like I did) and learn things differently that make you a better person.

There is an excellent quote from Alexander Pope you must remember —

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so.”

So, learn from your own experience. If your father is an alcoholic, be the opposite. If your mother is a narrow-minded lady, you become an open-minded person.

If you think they robbed you of a wonderful childhood, be an excellent parent and give your kids a great childhood to remember.

And take good care of your parents as well when they grow old. Remember, you don’t have to be like your bad parent.

Peace!

Thank you for reading.

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