I Feel Bad Making Fun Of Piers Morgan But I’ll Get Over It Somehow

The neediest man in broadcasting is at it again

Simone Biles is one of the greatest athletes in history, full stop. She has nothing to prove. I’m not an expert in gymnastics but it’s clear that if she felt her mental game was compromised then her dropping out of the team finals of the Tokyo Olympics was also an act of sacrifice. But Piers Morgan thinks she’s neither “heroic or brave.”

And he’ll take on any virtue signallers who disagree, a true mark of heroism and bravery. Morgan is a British broadcaster who spends a lot of time trying to get the attention of America, like an ex posting sexy pic after sexy pic on Instagram.

I get the feeling it’s not been the same for him since he returned to England after his CNN talk show Piers Morgan Tonight was canceled way back in 2014. At some point, before that, he was a U.S. reality TV toady, I think. He will say or write, or Tweet anything, especially about Americans of color, to get a rise or a reaction or a little love from us Yanks.

Usually, he’s fairly easy to ignore. After all, he lives far away on a quaint little island nation that floats off the coast of Europe, a deflated empire that once ruled the world but is now ruled by booze and prejudice and bitter snoots like Morgan.

I feel bad making fun of Piers Morgan because I should know better but his recent column attacking Simone Biles is reason enough to chuckle at the wanker and shake my head. Oh, Piers, if America wanted to know your opinions they would have watched when they had a chance and now that chance is over and you’re back home.

Doesn’t the U.K. have an Olympic team, Piers? Go annoy them.

In his column, which I’m not going to link to lol, and on Twitter, Morgan has savaged Biles for not competing in the gymnastics team finals at the Tokyo Olympics. Biles, who already has four gold medals from the previous Olympics, said she needed to focus on her mental health.

The U.S. Team went on to win the silver medal.

The 24-year-old’s decision shook the sports world but was received positively, except by conservatives on talk radio and social media, who accused the superstar athlete of being selfish. But at least those jackasses are Americans, they’re our sad sacks of shit.

Here are my two cents: Simone Biles’ decision to prioritize her mental health should be celebrated, frankly. This country is in a mental health crisis. It should be common knowledge that an average of twenty vets dies from suicide every day. If we want to reach people who need help this country needs to normalize asking for help. The reason so many dudes don’t seek therapy is that there are always a couple of assholes who will make fun of them or call them weak or otherwise ask their man card like weird self-deputized man cops

I don’t want to name these dudes but they’re who you’d expect, the kind of lukewarm white man sommeliers love to flatter and overcharge. They’re like drone pilots, happy to drop bombs from an air-conditioned room far, far away. Just boneless men. Spam. These dudes spit the meanest shit from behind the safety of a mic or bang out cruel Tweets from their phones with their huge, muscular thumbs, and they are more than happy to pile on women, especially women of color because they’ve found a way to make their insecurities pay.

I applaud Biles for taking care of herself, not that my applause means anything. I believe in pushing yourself, and Biles is an example of a human being who has trained and trained until she can literally defy gravity. But capitalism wants human beings to behave like locomotives, hungry machines who are unaware of their own limits. Know your limits. Burning out is no way to live.

I’m not even a fan of the Olympics, I think the games as they’re currently organized and financed are a relic of the Cold War and they should be reinvented and returned to their amateur, more humble, origins instead of the current spectacle. I also think the nationalism the Olympics inspire, at least here in the U.S., is misguided. Instead of cheering athletic competition how about we cheer affordable healthcare or, like, human kindness?

But back to whatshisname. Piers Morgan.

Here’s an example of what he wrote: “I don’t think it’s remotely courageous, heroic, or inspiring to quit.” Hrmph. He also sneers at her for suggesting that sports should be “fun.” As if mature and stable adults should take sports seriously. Watching sports is war for men with expensive leather couches.

To the rest of us, it’s fun to watch, and for some fun to do, and to those blessed with talent and discipline, it can be a lucrative business as well.

Morgan is immune to all the insults that have been lobbed at him. Multiple Twitter users brought up how he walked off the set of Good Morning Britain in a fantastic snit earlier this year after getting called out for insulting another American woman of color, Meghan Markle. He is a hypocrite but he doesn’t care.

When you’re a man of wealth and power like Morgan it’s amazing what you can rationalize inside your Swarovski crystal fishbowl.

Morgan is able to whip himself into a fury over nothing because he truly believes that he’s saving civilization by lecturing an accomplished American athlete, an old white windbag wagging his finger at a young Black woman.

Piers wants the attention. Desperately. He wants me, and so many others, to write angry tweets and essays and it’s all so tedious. He knows just enough about America to know that sprinkling a little racism on his opinions is the best way to attract clicks from across the pond. He will catch the eye of the United States one way or another, even if it means dishonestly scolding Simone Biles and misrepresenting her decision as some kind of spoiled tantrum.

In Morgan’s world, I am “woke” and a “snowflake” and blah blah blah. He wants negative attention from folks like me and he wants positive attention from mostly white men who get high huffing bigotry. I guess I can’t really make fun of Piers Morgan. He gets roasted all the time on Twitter and it does not deter him. He literally eats that shit up with a grin as if it makes him mighty. Morgan gets, correctly, called out for writing grotesquely cruel things about Simone Biles, and then turns to the “fuck your feelings” crowd for their approval and it feels good. He’s like a supervillain’s needy henchman. You can’t make fun of that kind of person. He takes a heel to the face and then bows.

Well, I have learned my lesson. I see you, Piers. You have my attention and I’ll know better next time. I won’t’ take the bait. You won this round. Fair and square. Cheers.