I Don’t Want To Be Mediocre

Some Insignificances are greater than other Insignificances but that is Insignificant.

This entry is the most important entry that I might have made to date; it’s me opening my heart to you and I’m doing it with utmost trust that you won’t exploit it. So please don’t make me feel bad about me letting down my guard. I have tried my best to keep this as simple as possible in terms of language.

Let’s start straight: So, I get these random fits (existential crisis) periodically when I feel utterly disgraceful, a crisis of confidence ensues in my head rendering me vulnerable and I feel like I am trying to go against the massive tide of the ocean full of paranoia only to find myself drowning!

There’s this little voice that I keep listening to in my solitude that judges me endlessly making my heart pound faster than ever at my insignificance. There’s so much I wanna do, I have so many aspirations and desires that need to be fulfilled, I wanna rise, I wanna grow as a human, I wanna evolve, I wanna…be more than a drop.

I am feeling completely utterly useless like I have wasted 19 years of my life [I’m 19], I have achieved nothing, I have done nothing, I have nothing to show my work through, I’m not enough nor will I ever be, I do nothing right, I am a coward and let’s not talk about everybody else please because I might just sink so low in my head that I may never swim out of that swampy swamp of others’ achievements to the edge of the bog.

I don’t know what should I do, I am so aimless, I am the most unproductive person that exists on the face of this earth, I don’t know what I can do, I don’t know what I am meant to do, who am I, what am I, why am I in this great grand scheme of things there are millions of thoughts which aim at my heart as questions to my calibre.

I have done nothing in my life, sometimes I feel so small so useless like people my age are innovating the world and whatnot; I am not doing anything that actually makes a difference. And no don’t give that false sense of happiness where me doing something matters in truth. [ I hate it when people patronize me]

I’m just a nobody — just a nobody who thinks this way every once in a while feels bad about it and moves on — to back to being the way he was earlier: the same person, truth be told, I cannot be productive while being unproductive either, I waste time thinking about being productive while being unproductive. [Maybe I am denigrating myself now]

It’s not that I don’t love myself, I love myself so much that I can be diagnosed with NPD [ Just a joke! ]. The thing that bothers me is that I know that I have immense potential in me and there is nothing that I am doing about it. But, do I know better than this?

There’s so much to do there are millions of opportunities out there, there are so many unturned stones but yet I do nothing. I am not jealous or insecure of other people and their achievements, they deserve whatever they have got but I need to do something worthwhile too. [No, I am not drawing motivation from them]

My self-esteem is hitting an all-time low, I am not even being very hard on myself I am expecting the bare minimum out of myself considering the potential I have. [ No again, I don’t have an elevated vision of myself in my head but I know me.]

Yes, I have never doubted my capabilities but just that it is not enough; you need to work, you need to put in the needed hours, you cannot escape that work.

I’m just a talker, that’s all I am — a talker I never execute any plan that I make! I’m only good at building castles in the air.

I know I’m better than this, I hope I am better than this…this self-doubt is not good.

I am sad, not depressed; I look back and try to find where it all went wrong… It’s high time I stop bullshitting myself.

The world ahead is gonna be more competitive than any of us can comprehend and you need to be prepared for it, and get out of your composure for the betterment of posterity.

The thought of mediocrity gives me shivers from top to bottom. Please bear with me, I am not saying being mediocre is wrong, it’s a choice. And I respect both the alternatives but I don’t want to be mediocre. Let me reiterate choosing to be mediocre is a choice and I respect it.

But I need to get better than this and me sitting back thinking I’m doing to the best I can isn’t gonna help — I need to hustle and wrestle!

Now I know the people who have it all, the things that I’m striving so hard to get — are not happy; in fact, I am happier than they are right now but just knowing that doesn’t mean that I should give up because I can have it all!

That hope is important, this world is hanging to a thin rope of hope, so we can’t let that go…without it, we have nothing and with it we have everything.

But not everyone is equally unimportant, some people are more insignificant than others. Their insignificance is greater than others’ insignificance because not all insignificances are the same, but that’s okay since the difference is insignificant. [ I hope you’re following]

You are not important [Just like me]. You’re just a speck of dust in this consistently expanding universe and even in all the other parallel ones. I mean no offence to anyone, but whosoever you are, if you don’t wake up tomorrow; the world is gonna go just as fine or even better [population!] without you. Cause the show must go on and it is gonna go on But don’t lose hope…huh!

A little belief, a little faith, a little hope is sometimes all that is needed to see the light.

© Vedaant R Lathi, 2020