I Don’t Want My Orgasm Mansplained to Me

Another reason that explains why it is so difficult to ask for our pleasure

I know my body. I know the parts I like and the parts I dislike. I know which parts are sensitive, which parts are ticklish, which parts are turning me on and off. I know how to pleasure myself. But it’s not enough.

I know how to breathe myself closer to an orgasm. I know how to contract my muscles to climax faster. I know how to stimulate myself. I know that pinching my nipples will help. I know that touching myself will help. But it’s still not enough.

To get me there, I need my partner to get to know my body too, to get familiar with how it feels under different kinds of touches, to know when to stop, when not to stop.

And I know that communication is key to mutual pleasure, so I am all for getting instructions and I would love to give directions too. But I have to admit, that this part has been quite tricky. I noticed that men have troubles asking for and receiving directions — when it comes to sex for sure.

[Disclaimer: #notallmen, and not even all men I’ve known, but for sure I’ve seen it enough times for it to be a topic worth covering.]

“Tell me how you want me to do it.”

My then boyfriend was looking up from between my thighs. He got comfortable and he asked me if I was ready. Always!

He told me that I should instruct him, how to lick and kiss me. He told me to tell him when to go slower or faster; when to put more pressure on my clit and when to fo it lightly.

I took it very seriously. He told me it would be very hot. And that he wanted to learn me — not relying only on my non-verbal clues.

I was thrilled. What a great guy!

He started to lick me, and I slowed him down immediately.

Go very very slow. The lightest touches you can ever imagine. As if you weren’t even touching me, just barely. To build up anticipation.

Don’t leave my pussy lips out, caress and kiss them, make me crazy. Tease me with this feather-light almost-touch to the point where my clit is swollen and I’m struggling to keep still.

Then, and only then, start to lick me.

Circle your tongue around my clit and keep doing that. Don’t change the pace, don’t press it too much. Just lightly and gently.

Then change into a lapping movement with soft tongue. Yes, like that. And don’t ravish it, just take care of it like you were trying to lick something off it and then…

He stopped me midsentence. “Are you sure I shouldn’t go stronger, it feels like just messing around. Do you even feel anything?”

I got annoyed but suppressed it.

“You told me to instruct you. Shall I do it?”

“Yes, yes. Go on.”

I told him to go back to where we were and continue that.

He got back to licking me and I ignored that he was half-dubious, half-amused.

I wanted this orgasm. I was so close — even if he didn’t think I could be.

I told him to speed up, increase the pressure and I moved my hips to meet him halfway. I already felt the coppery sweet taste in my mouth that I taste right before and orgasm. He was going to lift his head to ask something but I pushed his head back and pleaded, please ffs don’t stop now!

My orgasm hit me with full force. It was quick and powerful, left my pussy pulsing and my whole body tingling. In less than 2 minutes.

“Let’s do it again.” He said with a victorious smile. “You can do one more, right?”

Hell yeah! Let’s!

“But don’t talk now. I can do it on my own.”

The first orgasm without any preceding foreplay took me 2 minutes. I know because he secretly timed it.

The second one… took a lot longer. It was rough and a bit too aggressive to my taste. It was way too much changing of the pace, too forceful on my clit, and when I finally came I was glad that it was over. My clit was almost hurting from the forceful licks and I knew that I wouldn’t have another clitoral orgasm anytime soon. I needed time to recover.

He was even more victorious this time. But he was tired too, it was a lot of work… 15 minutes.

I was tired and a bit disappointed.

“So how was it?” He was beaming. “Which one did you like better?”

He was so sure I would say I loved his own performance more than the first one.

I admitted shyly that I liked it better when he did it as I instructed.

And this is where hell unleashed.

He told me that women usually appreciate his skills. They love to be licked forcefully. They love if he sucks on their clit. They love the versatility of the speed and pressure changing.

He explained it all to me. Making it sound that compared to other women (don’t ever do that!) I am funny to have wanted it my way. It’s not what he knows.

I told him very sweetly that every woman’s body is different and honestly I don’t want to hear how easy it is to make others come with a technique that doesn’t work for me. Because it’s not nice and it’s immature.

He was immature. He started to sulk. And I regretted I brought it up at all. We dated for a short time only and he never asked me for instructions ever again. Not that I would have given any had he asked…

But he wasn’t the only one I had a similar conversation with. There were others, more mature, more confident ones who fell into their own trap of asking for instructions when they took them as a blow to their egos. Not only about how to lick pussy but also about the positions, the way I liked to be fucked so I can climax.

#notallmen but one too many

It turned out that the instructions are not really helpful for a lot of guys. They don’t take it as some valuable information from the expert (me) who knows her body more than anyone could ever know. They might take is as criticism.

As if me knowing when to apply pressure and when not to would be some covert insult on their skills. As if me saying go lighter means that rougher is not good. It is not a competition between the guys who ever licked or fucked me. It is not a race. It’s not all about them. It’s about me too!

I happen to be only person in this world who feels the touch on my own clit.

It might be different from any other woman’s sensations. It might be different from yesterday. It is happening to me and I am the only one to feel it.

To stay with pussy licking, it’s lovely when someone surprises me with a really good one — and it usually happens when they are tuned to my body very much. It’s not only the question of skill (that too) but also thanks to the fact that they want to do it and they are very much focusing on the feedback from my body. Breathing, moans, muscles contracting, hips moving, back arching.

The best ones are the no fluff ones. When there is no useless messing around — spelling the alphabet, oh dear, please don’t. When it’s not too strong — the clit can be quite sensitive and if too much rubbing happens too soon it can become more painful than pleasurable. When it’s not randomly thrown together, as if he was changing his mind whether to do this or that. That’s not teasing, that’s chaotic.

It’s very important to communicate. And I tried. Several times. With several guys. With one or two exceptions — where there was also love and an established relationship involved — the whole “tell me how you like it” went awkward.

They got offended…

Even when I don’t go into full tutorial mode, just trying to move positions, suggest more lube, suggest to go lighter or faster — I met with offended looks too many times. As if my comment meant that what they were doing was bad. As if having an opinion about how I would like it was an attack on their skills. As if I was questioning their masculinity.

They got jealous…

When I explicitly asked for my pleasure, with hints, suggestions or instructions, it happened that I met with a sneer hinting at past lovers. Ah okay, so this is how he did it and you want how he was doing it.

No. This is how I know I will enjoy it, regardless of the partner.

Sex is not a walk down on memory lane. It is about enjoying the current moment — submersing in the feeling of the present, being there fully. If I want to fantasise about my ex, I will do that and get myself off. I don’t want to re-create the same situation. Our bodies are different, no two cocks are or feel the same. If I’m in bed with you, I want to enjoy you. Simple.

They went into mechanical mode…

It also happened that after having asked for some clues they went into full mechanical mode. Lick lick lick. Lap. Lick lick.

You can imagine how that kills the whole sensation. If I want a soulless orgasm, I can fire up my vibrator and boom, I can have it. The mechanical licking is without enthusiasm - and yes, it might get me there. But that’s not what I want. Same thing goes to any other sex act. Fucking or fingering can get mechanical and soulless. I don’t want that.

This is when I just want it to be over. This is when I might fake an orgasm not to cause any more harm. Not to offend. Not to be mansplained.

They knew better

I noticed it with other topics too. Asking for directions in general. Asking for opinion. Asking for help.

I need to repeat #notallmen but there are some who can’t take directions, opinions and help even if they specifically asked for it. Even then it happens that they refuse to go along with it.

Let me set something straight. Again. I know my body and the feeling I feel more than anyone. If I am asked to tell you what feels right, please listen to me — or please don’t ask and just surprise me. That might be the best.

Note: maybe some women do this too, but I am not sexually active with women so my knowledge is limited to men.

They mansplained how I and women usually feel

You can’t explain me how I feel — because it is me feeling it. It is entirely possible to get to new sensations with the help of someone, but that doesn’t alter the fact that it will be my feelings. And it will differ from what others might have felt from a similar stimulation.

Mansplaining my own pleasure to me is not helpful, it’s offensive.

Bringing up what and how I should feel based on years of experience with other women can also backfire. It’s really nice to feel special, and while epxerience is something I can appreciate, I don’t like direct comparisons, even if I am coming out winning from it.

Guys, if she is making the effort of wanting to improve the quality of sex, it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It means that it can get better and she wants to help you both to get it better.

If she is overcoming her shyness and suggesting a different position, she is not trying to emasculate you, she is trying to embrace her own femininity and take as much pleasure out as possible.

If she tells you to slow down it doesn’t mean that you are bad in bed — it means slow down. It means that her feeling her own feelings is a clue for you to pleasure her more and easier.

Don’t tell her how she feels based on how others you knew might feel. Don’t start to explain her how she should feel, because she is an individual who might or might not feel the same things.

If you ask for isntructions or directions then you’d better listen and learn.

It is not attacking you! It is supposed to help you.

And if you fail to do this, don’t be surprised if her only way out of it will be to fake an orgasm.