I Don’t Regret Getting Married and Divorced in my 20s — (BREAKFAST by BROCKHAMPTON)
“It’d be better if you loved me, but he told me ‘love myself’ and that’s true.
It’d be nice if you could help me but he told me ‘help myself’ and that’s true.”
I’ve been working on establishing a more secure attachment style for myself since my separation in my marriage; There is a lot of sadness that has been coming up for me. I am realizing that I have never felt truly appreciated in any romantic relationship that I have been in. I never felt completely seen or accepted.
I didn’t really understand how to pick a partner before. I tended to gravitate towards people who gave me attention, regardless of if they actually appreciated me. I always settled and tried to contort myself to embody the parts of myself that my partners praised. I repressed parts of myself that they rejected. I compartmentalized myself in many ways. This reflected the way that I survived growing up. There were many ways that I was taught to hide my authentic self within my family. When it came time to make connections on my own, I thought, “Of course no one could love me just the way I am. I am deeply flawed.”
I don’t regret getting married and divorced young. I have learned so much about myself and what qualities I want in a future partner. I’m the kind of person who learns their boundaries by walking right up to them and usually backtracking when I reach my limits. My marriage was a lot of fun in many ways. We traveled the world together, adopted dogs, and lived in suburbia. I had all of these wonderful experiences and yet, I still felt so lonely when I was with my ex. I was extremely insecure and towards the end of our relationship, my self-esteem was at an all time low. I felt ugly and like I was not good enough no matter how much I achieved. No matter how hard I tried to be seen by my ex, he was never able to give me that appreciation or reassurance. Even after 6 years together, he had never once been able to tell me why he loved me. I should have realized that was a problem in itself, but I had this blind faith that things could change. I now know that I don’t ever want to go into a relationship hoping to change my partner; I want to appreciate and accept them for who they authentically are without sacrificing myself to do so.
Ultimately, I am glad that things worked out the way they did. My skin grew thicker and these days I give myself the reassurance that I was always craving from others. I spent this last year single in order to find a standard baseline of what I want in my life. I have spent time focusing on self-love and investing in my hobbies. It feels amazing to spend my time focusing on myself rather than over-investing in a partner in order to get their attention. I finally am able to realize that I am an extraordinary multifaceted person. It makes my heart heavy to think that for most of my life, I was unable to see the beauty in myself. Nevertheless, I’m thankful that I learned this lesson sooner rather than later.
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