ThatBrave New VR World Humor
I Don’t Need Apple Vision Pro, I Screw Things Up Enough With My Fingers in 2-D
Apple releases a new VR product to surround you with autocorrect suggestions
My son tells me Apple Vision Pro allows you to see multiple screens at once. Sounds like he’s lobbying me for one. Why would I, or anybody over 29, want to see several screens at once?
Don’t we already do that? I’ll bet you have your phone open now, reading this on your computer — or vice versa — with the television on in the background, and the stock market streaming on your Alexa while the monitor on your refrigerator displays the front porch via your Ring Doorbell.
What, just me? Except for the stock market streaming of course. Mine is cat videos.
We multitask enough as it is, in spite of the documented fact that multitasking is a myth. Our brain tricks us into believing we’re pros at juggling several things at once, when in fact we’re simply doing more things badly, faster.
Take texting while driving, for instance.* Not only are you weaving in and out of your lane, but you’re also texting “I’m French kissing my dog in traffic right now, will comb my hair for dinner” instead of “I’m stuck in traffic right now, but will come for dinner.”
Use voice text, you say? Or is that “muse Boise tents”?
See what I mean?
With Apple Vision Pro, I can simply put my thumb and forefinger together and move them around to manipulate what I’m seeing, writing, creating, or whatever else you can think of to do with VR. I know you’re thinking about virtual reality sex.
Stop it.
If a single finger slip — or slip of the tongue while French kissing your dog — can produce communication chaos now, what will happen when we only have to point to get our point across, point out fallacies, flip the script, or play virtual point guard for our favorite NBA team? Be sure to move the furniture first.
I predict missed field goals — no worse than the Spurs, but still — jabbing our finger in the virtual chest of our trolls, or instead of disputing a conspiracy theory, accidentally agreeing and sending to our 153,000 virtual followers “facts” about the alien/reptile origin of the Universe, which is only the size of our solar system, and we aren’t too sure about Uranus. Along with life-sized alien/reptiles appearing right in their living rooms if they also have Apple Vision Pro.
So, in the spirit of giving you the best and newest of consumer advice, I watched the video so you won’t have to. Unless you have to, in which case, here it is.
Okay, I know you won’t make it back to my black-and-white, words only, tiny little diatribe about the difficulties of technology, and the techy folks who say, “All you have to do is” so I’ll wrap this up before I lose you to Apple Vision Pro.
It’s effing amazing. I need it now. My son, who was probably hinting for one, will have to wait. I’m old(er) and need it to virtually travel, go back in time, re-live my memories through videos of my life, be IN the movie I’m watching so I can yell at the protagonists right in their ear, do research for my writing by experiencing stuff right in my living room, life-sized, up close and personal. Well, as personal as VR gets. Which is pretty fricking personal if you’re using Apple Vision Pro. Now stop thinking about virtual sex. Seriously, stop it. You’re making me think about it!
Look out virtual world. As soon as this article earns a mere $4,000 — no, unfortunately this is not an affiliate post, so all my fans and all their family and friends will need to read it for me to get an Apple Vision Pro— I will be making mistakes in real time. My errors as large as a movie screen, in full surround sound with crisp video. All my perverse virtually realized errors showing up life-sized as fast as my chubby little, glittery finger-nailed fingers can pinch and move.
Damned Apple and my son.
- DO NOT text and drive. Tell Siri and she’ll garble it right up.
A life-sized thank you to Rodney Lacroix for his diligent digital editing.
Click here to subscribe to MuddyUm’s newsletter, ‘The Real Dirt’
