I Don’t Make Friends Easily

And I finally understand why

I don’t make the best first impressions. I’ve come to understand this about myself.

With new people, I sometimes come across as aloof or disinterested, especially when I’m caught off guard.

And while it’s true I’m often in my own head and not always aware of my surroundings, I actually love meeting and chatting with new people- especially when conversations flow easily and don’t feel painfully forced.

But this doesn’t change the fact that spontaneous chatting and engaging in ‘small talk’ just isn’t my thing. I don’t excel in this area, try as I might.

When someone new approaches me in public and I’m not expecting them, I have difficulty context-switching-jumping from the thought I was deeply immersed in to the conversation at hand-and my responses don’t always come out the way I intended.

Simply put, thinking on my feet when my mind is elsewhere is not my forte.

I’ve tried preparing myself for random encounters by keeping a witty comment or two in my back pocket. But this hasn’t exactly worked in my favor because I continue to draw a blank when confronted by someone unexpected.

When I was younger I assumed I was an extrovert. But in recent years, I’ve come to realize I was simply an introvert who was really good at pretending to be extroverted. I suppose I thought being an extrovert was the only way to make friends.

Of course, I had to resort to drinking alcohol in order to bring out my extroverted side, but it worked. So I kept at it until it became a habit that was no longer sustainable- a habit that started ruining my life.

But that’s a story for a different day.

I no longer drink (not regularly, anyway) and no longer use alcohol as a social crutch. These days, it’s just me exposed in all my awkward glory and I’m okay with that.

My awkwardness isn’t the only problem.

I’m addicted to novelty- new experiences, new places, new activities- anything new excites me. I thrive amongst change.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with this type of ‘addiction’ except that it doesn’t necessarily help my current situation; living in a new town and not having much luck making friends.

Because I’m not a creature of habit, I’m never in the same place at the same time. I thrive on the novelty of day-to-day changes and the newness of switching up my daily routine.

But the problem lies in the fact that, when I actually stop to think about how I got to know my long-term friends- who eventually became my best friends- I’m reminded that the catalyst was repetition and showing up to the same place at the same time, on the same days each week.

It’s no surprise I met most of my friends in high school- a daily, mandatory meeting place where we were forced to lean on one another for support and built camaraderie through shared experiences and teenage angst.

It’s human nature. Once someone becomes familiar, we let our guard down and become open to getting to know them, ultimately cementing the foundation of a potential friendship.

Yes, I’m more likely to be found lost in thought than in a repeat location and yes, I’m awkward. But wait! There’s more.

I also have a ‘unique’ sense of humor that might turn some people off. I think I’m being funny and witty, but in reality, I’m probably coming across as sarcastic, which isn’t necessarily my intention.

Self-deprecation is kind of my thing. I find it funny. It truly doesn’t go any deeper than that. But I often wonder if it makes me sound more negative and callus than I actually am.

Taking all of these facets of my personality into consideration as well as the external factors at play (I’m currently a homeschooling stay-at-home mom, which doesn’t necessarily lend itself to a ton of adult interaction), it’s no wonder I’ve failed at making new friends at this stage in my life.

I was motivated to write about this topic after what happened last night.

Mistakes were made due to erroneous assumptions and naive hopes. It ended up being an eye-opening experience, to say the least.

But I had the best of intentions going into the event…

It was a charity benefit- something I was drawn to attending because it was something new- an event I had never attended before- and also because I was hoping to meet like-minded women who shared similar interests.

But it became apparent, as soon as I walked through the doors, that it wasn’t the type of environment conducive to making meaningful connections with anyone, simply because it was a one-off event.

Once again, I’d committed myself to an event under naive pretenses- an event I felt uncomfortable at and one I wanted to escape from as soon as I arrived.

I wasn’t going to be seeing any of these women again in the near future. So what exactly was I doing there? I was supporting a good cause, of course. But, realistically, I could have offered the same support from the comfort of my own home.

At least I learned a valuable lesson- a lesson that took many years and a lot of strange experiences to learn: I’ve wasted time on the wrong people when my time could have been better spent making myself familiar to people I actually see on a regular basis.

The root of the problem lies in me searching for meaning in the wrong places and seeking connections where they don’t exist.

Time and resources have been wasted chasing novel experiences and, if I’m honest, most of those experiences yielded minimally fulfilling results.

My husband likes to compare me to a squirrel. Have you ever watched a squirrel searching for nuts, only to drop a hard-earned nut the moment a bigger, shinier nut presents itself?

Well, that’s me in a nutshell (no pun intended). I am the squirrel.

Back to last night.

It was a painful experience in many ways. Being an introvert, walking into a room full of women (most of whom already knew one another) and forcing myself to make small talk with people I knew I’d never see again, is a special kind of hell.

The silver lining was this: last night was the nail of realization in the coffin of my hippocampus, forcing me to finally learn what I’d been doing wrong.

Moving forward, I have one of two choices to make:

I can continue doing what I’ve been doing, save face and make excuses for why I’ve lived in this town for almost two years and haven’t made a single friend or I can admit my wrongdoings and take responsibility for my mistakes.

I need to make changes if I want to experience different results.

I realize I wasn’t giving new people ample time and opportunity to get to the know the real me because I never stuck around long enough for that to happen.

As with other lessons I’ve learned over the years, it all seems so simple now. It’s baffling I didn’t see what I was doing wrong before.

Today I’m committed to trying something new by adopting a regular(ish) routine for a while. Time will tell if switching up my routine- being in the same locations, hanging out at the same spots at the same times every week- makes a difference in my social life.

I wonder if my self-analysis is spot on or if I’m merely a product of society- a society that promotes individualism, independence and where everyone is glued to their iPhone screens.

In public, people don’t really talk anymore. So maybe I need to be more assertive and take matters into my own hands. I mean, I met my husband online and I made the first move- so I know I have it in me.

Are there ‘dating’ sites for friendship? If there aren’t, maybe there should be. At the very least it would allow us to be more intentional with who we choose to pursue.

I don’t know if my social experiment will yield results but I do know one thing: I won’t experience different results until I try a different approach.

So here I go. Wish me luck!

Let me know in the comments if you’d like me to write a part two and let everyone know how my little social experiment pans out!

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