Summary

The author reflects on the personal struggle with ego, which drives a desire to be the best and feelings of inadequacy when not achieving superiority.

Abstract

In a candid blog post, the author delves into the internal conflict caused by their ego, which desires recognition and superiority in various aspects of life, such as career and athletic achievements. The author admits to feeling envious of a wealthy individual and a younger athlete who surpassed their track record, highlighting the ego's demand for praise and fear of being forgotten or seen as a failure. Despite these feelings, the author acknowledges the importance of confronting the ego to embrace true happiness and self-worth, emphasizing the societal need for open discussions about such emotions to foster genuine human connections and emotional health.

Opinions

The author harbors a deep dislike for losing or being perceived as less capable than others, indicative of a strong ego-driven desire for recognition.
There is an acknowledgment of the destructive nature of the ego, which can lead to feelings of depression and worthlessness when one's achievements are overshadowed by others.
The author expresses envy towards individuals with perceived higher status or success, despite recognizing these feelings as products of the ego.
There is a recognition that societal expectations and the ego's demands can create a sense of personal inadequacy and a belief that one's life is not worth living unless certain unrealistic standards are met.
The author believes that the ego is inherently fake and inauthentic, using Ernesto De La Cruz from the movie "Coco" as a metaphor for how the ego hides behind charisma and lies to mask insecurities.
The author advocates for open discussions about ego and emotions, suggesting that confronting the ego is crucial for personal growth and emotional well-being.
The author values the importance of being seen as a successful individual, particularly in their role as a coach, and desires to be respected and admired for past achievements.
Despite the ego's influence, the author understands that true joy and fulfillment come from being content with one's current life and achievements, rather than constantly seeking to outperform others.

I Don’t Like Losing, And The Lies From My Ego

Photo by Benjamin Suter: https://www.pexels.com/photo/silhouette-of-flying-birds-on-a-twilight-sky-2361997/

I don’t like people beating me and doing better than me. As well, I hate it when someone is seen as better than I am, and people flaunt how amazing that person is. I want them to see me like this. Why? Do I not want society to advance and continue to grow? Do I think of myself in a grandiose way, and better than all of humankind?

No, my ego just wants everyone to know me as being the best and put me on a pedestal. When people say my name, they know how remarkable I was at whatever I did. People think of me as this legend, like a professional athlete. They think and say, “Oh, we have Johnny here.” Or, “Oh, I got to meet Johnny, and he was so cool!”

I want the world to see me as someone greater than others at something. The world to know me as a record holder that no one can possibly beat.

When I am not that, I feel like I am a loser, and not good enough. I feel depressed and purposeless. Like my life isn’t worth living unless I live up to these unrealistic expectations. I certainly have not wanted to live before because of these thoughts. I am grateful that is not the case currently.

Now, I don’t feel this 100% of the time, I’m just sharing an example of my ego talking to me at times. As it does plenty of times.

Rich Person Example

The two most recent examples of this were today. We had a person who makes a boatload more money than I do, come to the camp today to talk to the campers.

As he was talking, he was nice, and kind. He has great successful kids, who seems like awesome individuals. And he was giving back to everyone as one of the sponsors for the camp.

Why couldn’t I like him? He had nothing to hate about him.

He seems like he has a perfect life, and lives such a great life, and I envy that. I envy that I am just a school counselor who makes a teacher’s salary each year and is not making enough money as him.

I see myself as a man who needs to succeed and climb the ranks and be the CEO of a major company. Though I know deep down that isn’t me. That is simply my ego talking to me, telling me that I am not good enough.

I once again, feel like I am not good enough, and feel depressed over this, and that my life isn’t worth living once again.

Disclaimer* I don’t get as low as I used to back in high school and college, but I still do have the thought process that I am not good enough.

You know, the truth is I have so much greatness in my life. I am a remarkable person, but the reality is, my ego believes that I am not good enough, and am not deserving of all the greatness that I have and am blessed with. No, instead it tries to make me seem inferior and undeserving.

Kid Who Beat My Track Records at My School

The son of the speaker today was the kid who beat one of my track records at the school.

I was furious when I saw him and the coach. As he was smiling, and seemed like such a nice kid. While I’m over here, also a smiling and nice kid. “He’s better than I am”, I think to myself.

“People are going to start saying his name over mine at the school, and my name will mean nothing anymore.” I once again, think to myself. As well as many other self defeating, ego controlling thoughts.

My ego cares so much about what people think about me. It wants me to be the best out there, and have everyone praising me and thinking of me many times. If I am not the savior for everyone and the person who is the best at everything that I value. Then I am a failure, and not good enough.

Do you know that feeling, of just not being good enough?

Even as a coach now, I want the kids that I coach to know that they are in the presence of such a successful runner. That they should all come to me and want to ask for my autograph and want to know all about how I was such a great and successful runner. (I obviously don’t do this, as this wouldn’t be right, but this is how I feel)

My Feeling Are Certainly Valid

You know, we don’t talk about these kinds of things. We don’t talk about our jealousy towards others. We don’t talk about how we want to be the best. How we want the world to know our name and see us as the greatest of the greatest.

I personally do know that if I had that all, I wouldn’t be the joyful individual that I am right now, but my ego thinks otherwise.

My ego tells me that in order to be happy, I have to attach myself to specific skills and be the best at them and be the one that everyone knows and talks all about.

Part of me wants to be like Ernesto De La Cruz from Coco. That dude had a huge ego, and great charisma, but was super fake. He hid behind all his insecurities through lies and charisma.

Ernesto De La Cruz, symbolizes our ego. He is fake, and inauthentic, only trying to build false connections with others to make himself feel better about his own insecurities.

In Conclusion

I think it’s important for us as a society to be able to talk about our ego’s like this. Openly. As this is a way of tearing it down. It is a way of being able to be human, and happy with what you have. You see when you confront the ego, and point the stage light at it. It can do you no harm.

The ego is afraid of the truth. The ego is afraid of you sharing it with others because then you will realize all the lies it has told you.

I think as a society we are taught to hide our feelings that are seen as abnormal like these ones. Though the reality is, people who don’t get to talk about them are just hurting themselves more. People who can’t unpack them, are just harming themselves more an more. We deserve to talk about our feelings and emotions and process them.

I have always told my students that they aren’t crazy for what they share with me. If one of them says they want to hurt another person and harm them so badly, I don’t make them out to be a criminal. They clearly are hurting and suffering, and are seeking out an adult to hopefully have a safe space to unpack these intense emotions.

Good for them! I am so proud of them for being able to do this.

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Originally published at https://perfectlyimperfect23.blog on July 29, 2023.