Summary

The article discusses the underlying meanings behind preteens' frequent use of "I don't know" and suggests strategies for better communication.

Abstract

The article explores the common phenomenon of preteens responding with "I don't know" to various questions, ranging from inquiries about their day to preferences for dinner. Through conversations with a middle school student, the author identifies multiple interpretations of this phrase, including fatigue, the need for thinking time, a desire not to answer, and fear of giving a wrong answer. The article highlights the importance of precise language and suggests that externalizing issues through tools like a poster can help preteens articulate their feelings more accurately. The poster, which lists possible meanings of "I don't know," has been a catalyst for communication and self-expression among students, who are often more willing to engage with the issue in a playful, low-pressure context. The author also touches on narrative therapy principles, emphasizing the impact of language on our perception of truth and the benefits of separating problems from personal identity. The article concludes with a real-life example of how the poster helped a student communicate their state of being overwhelmed, demonstrating the practical application of this interpretation tool.

Opinions

The author believes that "I don't know" is a catch-all phrase that preteens use to mask a variety of emotions and thoughts.
There is an opinion that preteens are more likely to communicate effectively when the environment is playful and non-judgmental.
The article suggests that narrative therapy techniques, such as externalizing issues, can be particularly useful for preteens to express themselves without feeling personally at fault.
The author values the use of a visual aid, like the poster, as a reference to help preteens and their parents or guardians understand each other better.
The author encourages readers to consider the deeper meanings behind seemingly dismissive responses and to approach communication with preteens with empathy and patience.

I Don’t Know: What Preteens Really Mean and How To Become An Interpreter

You know how it goes:

How was your day? I don’t know.

What did you do? I don’t know.

Do you have any homework? I don’t know.

Do you want pizza for dinner? I don’t know.

What is your name? I don’t know.

Sometimes it actually feels like aliens abduct kids around age ten and clear their brains so they can no longer answer questions beyond I don’t know, or worse the dreaded Shrug. And yet- catch them in the right mind frame and preteens have mountains to say- strong opinions, fresh insights, creative solutions… so what’s the deal?

I work at a middle school and I’m well versed in shrugs and eye rolls. I asked one 12 year old I work with to help me understand: what does I don’t know mean to them?

You can guess what their first answer was. But then it started to pour out:

I’m tired.

I need time to think.

I don’t want to answer you.

And yes, sometimes it means “I don’t know.”

Eventually, we hit on a big one: I’m scared my answer will be wrong.

It’s a lot safer to hide behind a non-answer than risk embarrassment. We talked about each answer as it came, my student becoming more and more invested in the project. Sometimes they really just need a minute to think, sometimes they don’t understand the question, sometimes they didn’t hear the question and it’s easier than asking for clarity.

Imagine, I wondered out loud, how much better the response could be if we are precise with our language. What if you told your parent you were too tired to think of words right after school? Would that make more sense to them than the idea that you don’t know what you did at school?

This student came back two more times that day with more ideas to add on. So many meanings in one little phrase! We talked about how this could be useful in their life- what if they kept a pocket reference list for themselves? What if they shared a picture of the poster with their parents?

But here is what else happened: Other students saw the poster and wanted to add their own definitions. Usually preceded by “oh I say that all the time!” They would add on “none of your business,” “I don’t want to think about it,” and “I don’t have words for that.”

I couldn’t help but notice how excited they all were to be able to clarify themselves- to communicate!

Why was it so much easier to come up with more precise responses now but not when answering a question? First of all, this is playful. It’s colorful, it’s a hint of disorganized, and there is no way to “mess it up.” The nature of the activity is low pressure. Second, it externalizes the issue.

Externalizing the Issue

Narrative therapy posits that the language we use helps construct our truths. It is no surprise then, that preteens- in all their insecure part-child part-adult glory- would rather create a blurry façade (I don’t know) than a focused one (I am tired and confused). Narrative therapy theory also states that it is easier to attack a problem that is not seen as part of who you are. No one feels good when they feel like they see a part of themselves as problematic. An example of this is that it is easier to think of a hard feeling as a separate being- such as calling anxiety a monster named Joe. When you are thinking anxious thoughts you can say “Joe is being really loud today. I’m working on shutting him up” rather than saying I am thinking all these thoughts and I need to change something in myself.” Writing on a chart doesn’t take it that far, but it externalizes it enough that we aren’t pointing at them, we are pointing at the poster.

What now?

Well, now we have some insight. We can use this interpretation tool to encourage them to express themselves more accurately and to help us remember that things are not always what they seem on the surface.

Yesterday the same student came into my office looking upset.

What’s up? I asked

I don’t know, they said.

I pointed to the poster- which I don’t know are we talking about?

They actually took the time to look- and pointed to “I am overwhelmed.”

You’re overwhelmed, I said. Ok, thanks for telling me. Have a seat, and let’s take some deep breaths together.

I hope this article has been helpful! If so, consider becoming a Medium member for only $5/month. I earn a small commission if you sign-up using my referral code at https://medium.com/@beccadornmedeiros/membership