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Abstract

line for holding my ground. And I’m the one who is being patronizing and abrasive? (I suppose I really should have just deferred to his superior maleness and age, something he alluded to later on — despite having no clue how old I am — and as if that has any bearing on my ability to form a well-constructed argument. He didn’t actually say I should defer to his maleness — that part was simply implied.)</p><p id="f535">Did you ever once consider, sir, that your books might not have the latest information in them, which is why I couldn’t find anything on the internet to confirm what you insisted that they said? Did you ever once consider that our understanding of the world is always changing and that what you were taught way back whenever you were taught it might not be the current thinking on any given topic?</p><p id="3b68">Did you ever once consider that you might be able to learn something new? From a woman?</p><p id="6a58">No, of course not, because this sort of man, who all too often comes in a young variety as well, is a classic example of how a dominance hierarchy works. Patriarchy, at its heart, is a system of classes and social stratification that is maintained by intimidation, coercion, and violence. It’s the way that those traditionally in power have attempted to maintain that position near the top of the societal pyramid by keeping others “in their place.” It applies to gender, but also to race, sexuality, social class, education level, and other metrics of perceived superiority and inferiority.</p><p id="f861">In this social system called patriarchy, whoever has the most social power gets to treat those “below” him in any way that he wishes. Abuse is not only expected but expected to be born with grace. The only recourse is to take it out on someone else who has even less social power than you. The young woman (I’m actually 57) that this man assumed I was apparently ought to have known better than to respond to his unsupported attacks on what I had to say with anything but deference and respect.</p><p id="9098">And this happens to me all of the time, but also not just to me. I hear women complaining a lot about this phenomenon where some guy, who hasn’t actually got the goods to support his position expects that a woman who is either talking about her own experiences, or her area of expertise and has plenty to support hers is supposed to just defer to his outlook. Because he said so….</p><p id="d60d">Since a patriarchy is a dominance-based hierarchy, it’s a zero-sum construct. Somebody has to lose in order for somebody else to win. Those with more social power tend to assume that they get to “win” based on that fact alone. No need to actually be right. No need to make sense or credibly support your position.</p><p id="9a05">This sort of man seems to be saying, “I’m a guy, so my position is <i>de facto</i> superior to yours. I don’t need to consider learning anything from you because that would involve admitting that I don’t already know everything, and that’s waaay too vulnerable. I have to show that I’m in control, that I know what I’m doing and what I’m saying (even if I don’t, especially if I don’t).”</p><p id="6c71">Yes, I’m well aware that not every man acts like this, but too many of them do — enough to note the demographic as a part of the phenomenon. And I’m also well aware that this is how a lot of men have been raised — to be in this endless pissing contest with everyone around them, particularly with those they subconscious view as inferior who really <i>ought</i> to accept their position as lower down the pecking order without having to be reminded that it’s where they belong.</p><p id="e5f4">Ubiquitous cultural conditioning aside, many men do not interact with other people this way, and many do not subconsciously view themselves as superior. Nonetheless, this sort of dominance posturing is all too prevalent and as a woman, I think I can speak for a lot of other women when I say that I’m pretty damned sick of it.</p><p id="463d">We can have a discussion, even one where we don’t really agree all that much, and not have to resort to condescension and “my belief is all the proof I need” kinds of nonsense. I’m always happy to learn something

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new or have my views expanded by something I wasn’t previously aware of. I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong or have made a mistake. That’s because my sense of self and my sense of accomplishment doesn’t come from making someone else feel stupid or small. I don’t need to “win” at someone else’s expense. My view of the world is not predicated on “I can’t win unless you lose.”</p><p id="20d3">When I tell someone that they are being ridiculous, it’s not for having a different outlook than I have. It’s for not being able to support that different outlook with anything other than their personal opinion. It’s for not being able to refute any of my compelling data, and yet still insisting that I am the one who is wrong (sometimes by presenting information that supports their position — but thousands of years after the time period I’m speaking of). It’s for telling me that I’m presenting feminist ideology when all I’ve done is quote male experts out of mainstream science magazines and the story has nothing at all to do with feminism.</p><p id="89c5">But when I point that out; when I won’t just roll over and defer, that really pisses them off. One guy went so far as to tell me I was a dick! That one actually made me laugh out loud since that is not something I’d ever been called before, but this expectation of deference is truly tiresome.</p><p id="06fb">It doesn’t matter that you are a man and I’m a woman. If you can’t prove/defend your position, I win. Not because I’m inherently better than you, but because I am better prepared and/or informed. And in truth, I’m not trying to win. I’m trying to have interesting discussions about topics that interest me, and maybe even learn something new. Gentlemen of this ilk, you may want to try it sometime.</p><p id="eaf0">Actual self-worth does not come from proving that you belong higher up the dominance hierarchy than I do by “putting me in my place.” It comes from not needing to constantly compare yourself to others because your self-worth emanates from inside of you. If having your view of the world meaningfully challenged upsets you that much, you might want to ask yourself why.</p><p id="b1af">I know you’ve spent your life up until now being treated in this same way by other men who have more societal power than you do, but I’m here to tell you, that isn’t a free pass with me, and I’m sure most other women would agree. Patriarchy is a social system where the ostensible rankings are maintained through bullying. It’s a system that is bad for everyone — men too.</p><p id="1053">So cut it out! You look like a fool, and you’re propping up a tired and dysfunctional way of relating to other people. As I said once to a former beau who complained that I was scolding him. “Don’t act like such an asshole, and I won’t need to!”</p><p id="365e">© Copyright Elle Beau 2021 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.</p><div id="8080" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/are-we-still-living-in-a-patriarchy-60a9b4a474ef"> <div> <div> <h2>Are We Still Living In a Patriarchy</h2> <div><h3>An in depth look at how we know</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*wxcDFOUuevcCWoyx)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6934" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/women-uphold-the-patriarchy-too-c6c2e5de8619"> <div> <div> <h2>Women Uphold The Patriarchy Too</h2> <div><h3>If they didn’t, it wouldn’t still exist</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ydIbgEWPzAybKmVl)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

I Don’t Have to Just Accept Your Rudeness and Condescension

Expecting me to take your bad behavior graciously is a patriarchal construct, and I’m not going to buy in

Photo by Proriat Hospitality on Unsplash

In case you haven’t already guessed, this is going to be a bit of a rant. When you deal with a certain type of bullshit over and over again, sometimes you just have to let it out in order to be able to move on to more constructive things. So, here goes…

It just happened again and I know I shouldn’t be surprised because it’s something that takes place rather routinely, but nonetheless, it never ceases to amaze me. The gall of some of these guys who are condescending, dismissive, and downright rude, and then who get all up in arms when I don’t just roll over and accept that — not only because they are playing little patriarchal domination games, but because they are also invariable also flat out wrong as well.

To the man (the most recent one, because it happens rather a lot) who told me the other day that my well researched and thought out story was “a romantic notion” in spite of all the citations from anthropologists and science magazines, I had this to say:

At this juncture, I’m just kind of chuckling because you are such a cliche — the man who is just so sure that widespread violence has always existed, without actually being able to produce anything to support that which indicates that is the case, and flying in the face of all sorts of scientific evidence to the contrary. What exactly do you get out of this, I wonder? I find it really strange.

He replied:

If I were younger I would have taken offense at the patronising and abrasive tone of your final paragraph. It was never my intention to make you “chuckle”. In response to your last question “I wonder what you get out of this” I can only ask if you were deliberately being patronising or didn’t see the tone of assumed superiority of perspective in your words.

I accept that I have completely failed to provide and academic evidence to support my criticism of your views. I tried again this morning and failed. It is out there but, as we are in Covid Lockdown I cannot get to a decent library and, I can’t currently find the books on my own shelves which support my views.

So, you can’t support your views, or meaningfully refute mine, but you feel no compunction at all about telling me that I’m wrong and that I’m also kind of silly (despite all the solid research). In addition, I’m out of line for holding my ground. And I’m the one who is being patronizing and abrasive? (I suppose I really should have just deferred to his superior maleness and age, something he alluded to later on — despite having no clue how old I am — and as if that has any bearing on my ability to form a well-constructed argument. He didn’t actually say I should defer to his maleness — that part was simply implied.)

Did you ever once consider, sir, that your books might not have the latest information in them, which is why I couldn’t find anything on the internet to confirm what you insisted that they said? Did you ever once consider that our understanding of the world is always changing and that what you were taught way back whenever you were taught it might not be the current thinking on any given topic?

Did you ever once consider that you might be able to learn something new? From a woman?

No, of course not, because this sort of man, who all too often comes in a young variety as well, is a classic example of how a dominance hierarchy works. Patriarchy, at its heart, is a system of classes and social stratification that is maintained by intimidation, coercion, and violence. It’s the way that those traditionally in power have attempted to maintain that position near the top of the societal pyramid by keeping others “in their place.” It applies to gender, but also to race, sexuality, social class, education level, and other metrics of perceived superiority and inferiority.

In this social system called patriarchy, whoever has the most social power gets to treat those “below” him in any way that he wishes. Abuse is not only expected but expected to be born with grace. The only recourse is to take it out on someone else who has even less social power than you. The young woman (I’m actually 57) that this man assumed I was apparently ought to have known better than to respond to his unsupported attacks on what I had to say with anything but deference and respect.

And this happens to me all of the time, but also not just to me. I hear women complaining a lot about this phenomenon where some guy, who hasn’t actually got the goods to support his position expects that a woman who is either talking about her own experiences, or her area of expertise and has plenty to support hers is supposed to just defer to his outlook. Because he said so….

Since a patriarchy is a dominance-based hierarchy, it’s a zero-sum construct. Somebody has to lose in order for somebody else to win. Those with more social power tend to assume that they get to “win” based on that fact alone. No need to actually be right. No need to make sense or credibly support your position.

This sort of man seems to be saying, “I’m a guy, so my position is de facto superior to yours. I don’t need to consider learning anything from you because that would involve admitting that I don’t already know everything, and that’s waaay too vulnerable. I have to show that I’m in control, that I know what I’m doing and what I’m saying (even if I don’t, especially if I don’t).”

Yes, I’m well aware that not every man acts like this, but too many of them do — enough to note the demographic as a part of the phenomenon. And I’m also well aware that this is how a lot of men have been raised — to be in this endless pissing contest with everyone around them, particularly with those they subconscious view as inferior who really ought to accept their position as lower down the pecking order without having to be reminded that it’s where they belong.

Ubiquitous cultural conditioning aside, many men do not interact with other people this way, and many do not subconsciously view themselves as superior. Nonetheless, this sort of dominance posturing is all too prevalent and as a woman, I think I can speak for a lot of other women when I say that I’m pretty damned sick of it.

We can have a discussion, even one where we don’t really agree all that much, and not have to resort to condescension and “my belief is all the proof I need” kinds of nonsense. I’m always happy to learn something new or have my views expanded by something I wasn’t previously aware of. I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong or have made a mistake. That’s because my sense of self and my sense of accomplishment doesn’t come from making someone else feel stupid or small. I don’t need to “win” at someone else’s expense. My view of the world is not predicated on “I can’t win unless you lose.”

When I tell someone that they are being ridiculous, it’s not for having a different outlook than I have. It’s for not being able to support that different outlook with anything other than their personal opinion. It’s for not being able to refute any of my compelling data, and yet still insisting that I am the one who is wrong (sometimes by presenting information that supports their position — but thousands of years after the time period I’m speaking of). It’s for telling me that I’m presenting feminist ideology when all I’ve done is quote male experts out of mainstream science magazines and the story has nothing at all to do with feminism.

But when I point that out; when I won’t just roll over and defer, that really pisses them off. One guy went so far as to tell me I was a dick! That one actually made me laugh out loud since that is not something I’d ever been called before, but this expectation of deference is truly tiresome.

It doesn’t matter that you are a man and I’m a woman. If you can’t prove/defend your position, I win. Not because I’m inherently better than you, but because I am better prepared and/or informed. And in truth, I’m not trying to win. I’m trying to have interesting discussions about topics that interest me, and maybe even learn something new. Gentlemen of this ilk, you may want to try it sometime.

Actual self-worth does not come from proving that you belong higher up the dominance hierarchy than I do by “putting me in my place.” It comes from not needing to constantly compare yourself to others because your self-worth emanates from inside of you. If having your view of the world meaningfully challenged upsets you that much, you might want to ask yourself why.

I know you’ve spent your life up until now being treated in this same way by other men who have more societal power than you do, but I’m here to tell you, that isn’t a free pass with me, and I’m sure most other women would agree. Patriarchy is a social system where the ostensible rankings are maintained through bullying. It’s a system that is bad for everyone — men too.

So cut it out! You look like a fool, and you’re propping up a tired and dysfunctional way of relating to other people. As I said once to a former beau who complained that I was scolding him. “Don’t act like such an asshole, and I won’t need to!”

© Copyright Elle Beau 2021 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.