Summary

The author reflects on not having a lifelong best friend and questions her ability to maintain friendships, despite desiring deep connections and being a loyal friend.

Abstract

Jenny Bravo, the author, expresses her longing for a lifelong best friend, akin to her sister's experience, but acknowledges her own divergent path. She attributes the absence of such a friendship to various factors, including attending different schools, pursuing different colleges, and evolving life directions. Despite her commitment to deep, meaningful relationships, she recognizes that not all friends reciprocate this level of investment, leading to a pattern of friendships that come and go. She concludes that perhaps not everyone needs a lifelong friend and that the transient nature of friendships can contribute to personal growth.

Opinions

The author believes that geographical separation, such as attending different schools, can significantly impact the longevity of friendships.
She feels that she may have been too invested in friendships where the other party did not reciprocate the same level of loyalty or depth.
The author values friendships that are more than superficial, seeking connections that foster mutual growth and trust.
She is introspective about whether her expectations of friendship might be too intense for some people, who may prefer more casual relationships.
Despite past hurts, she is grateful for all her friendships, acknowledging that each one, regardless of its outcome, has contributed to her personal development.
The author has come to terms with the idea that friendships can be transient and that this is a natural part of life, rather than a reflection of her ability to sustain relationships.

I Don’t Have a Lifelong Best Friend and It Makes Me Wonder If I am Good at Friendship

My sister has a best friend from kindergarten. They are celebrating their birthdays this month, turning 26, and they can look back on their five-year-old pictures and reminisce.

I always wanted a true BFF, and to have the “forever” part of it. My story is very different. I don’t have a best friend from kindergarten. I didn’t keep friends well.

I am a girl’s girl. I am not the backstabbing person who will steal your boyfriend. I don’t start wars with friends. I don’t compete with friends or secretly bully them.

So… what went wrong?

We went in different directions.

My best friend from childhood went to a different school than I did. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it resulted in us finding different friend groups and drifting apart. Culprit #1: Different elementary schools.

Within my friend groups in middle school and high school, I drifted closer to different people at different times. Then, I found my closest best friend. It was the come-over-after-school-every-day type of friendship. We were loud and obnoxious and silly and fun. I was a year older than her, and we went to different colleges. It fell apart from there. Culprit #2: Different colleges.

This pattern continued. My best friends in college all went their separate ways. We didn’t keep in touch, even though I did try. Culprit #3: Different lives.

I watch my sister with her best friends who live states away. They talk on the phone daily. They make plans. And I think… what did I do wrong?

I did not always choose friends who were as loyal to me as I was to them.

When it comes to friends, I usually let them find me. I get nervous when I have to put myself out there, so the friends I have been closest to are the ones that are the louder, in-your-face variety.

I’m the friend that will give you the world if we are friends. As Elizabeth Gilbert says, “If I love you… I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check.”

I framed these friendships in lights. I thought that when you connect with someone on a bear-your-soul level, it meant that you signed a lifetime contract with each other. And then… they left. And I was the only one who was seemingly hurt by it.

Culprit #4: Caring too much for people who did not care enough.

My idea of friendship may be too much for some people.

I’m a deep person. I connect the most with people when someone shares a deep secret or cries with me or if I feel trusting enough to trust them. I don’t do well in surface-level friendships.

For some people, this may be a lot. They may just want a girlfriend who will show up to brunch. They may just want a spin class partner. But for me, I don’t want friends who are ornaments. I want friends who help me grow and vice versa.

I’m willing to accept that I will lose friends if we outgrow each other. It sucks and I hate it, but I can accept it.

Culprit #5: We wanted different things.

I expected to keep the same friends since kindergarten, but I had no clue how much I would change.

My sister and her kindergarten best friend have changed over the years. The difference is that they never changed when they were together. Their relationship now looks almost exactly the way it did then.

The friends I had when I was five were not necessarily choices I made. At least, not choices I remember. I have changed so much in my life, and there are few relationships that have survived those ebbs and flows.

If I’m going to claim a lifelong friend, I’m going to claim my sister. My mother. My father, too. They know my stories. They laughed and cried with me. They watched me grow.

Am I bad at friendship? I hope not. I think not. Maybe, not everyone needs a lifelong friend. Maybe, friends are meant to come in and out of our lives, leaving us all just a little bit changed.

I’m thankful for each friendship in my life. The good ones and the bad ones. The ones that hurt me and the ones that made me laugh. I’m better for them all.

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Jenny Bravo writes books and helps other writers through trial-and-error. She lives in New Orleans with her best friend / fur baby, Forrest. She’s on Instagram (@jennybravobooks) and Twitter (@jennybravobooks). You can follow Forrest on Instagram, too (@forrestthedood). Hang out at her website, www.jennybravobooks.com.