I Don’t Hate Vegetables — Just Vegetarians!

There is a saying — “Don’t shoot the Messenger”, and mostly I adhere to that maxim.

Except where vegetarians are involved … that messenger needs a bullet to the mouth very early in the verbal exchange.

And let’s be clear — all bullets are vegetarian. Bullets don’t kill — verbal vegetarians do. Only it’s called euthanasia. I have never opened a conversation in a restaurant with the words:-

I eat cow !

I eat chicken !

But if you’ve met a vegetarian … you’ll know in the first 3-minutes of conversation that they’re vegetarian. They add it to their resume and put it on their LinkedIn bios. Hell, I even think they list it on vegetarian passports.

Passport ink is made from animal blood and rendered fat by the way. Arguably!

And that’s not the worst part, they then tell you WHY! This is the religious equivalent of a Jehovah’s Witness putting their foot in your doorframe so you cannot shut the bloody door!

Hmmm … I wonder what on this menu is VEGETARIAN …

I do eat eggs. But not certain cheeses … it contains RENNET.

And so it continues.

Waiter is this Frittata definitely vegetarian… I’m a strict vegetarian. So strict … it all started in Thailand when I ate an egg with a baby chic ….

FFS — I do not give a rat’s arse! I. don’t. care. The menu item has a 🌱 sign. So it either is vegetarian or eat at home. Those are your choices.

If it’s not actually vegetarian 🌱 and the menu says it is, do you honestly think testosterone-fuelled Randy, the frikkin WAITER will know, or is not going to support the lie?

Yeah, I know it says vegetarian, but it isn’t and we thought we would lie and play Russian Roulette with the Restaurant Police and rack up as many fines as we can. Our goal is to get shut down asap ma’am.

Asking that question is the equivalent of asking the “Yobo” at the airport duty-free cash register if flight 1087 to Taipei is going to land on time.

And nobody drives anymore. We are walking or “whisked” around by volts and wattage. What was once proudly stated as — an 8-cylinder roar, is now taboo. Now it’s a whisk-around powered by an egg beater with Duracell batteries.

Vegetarian eaters and EV drivers — we do not need to know. Save the planet … but do it quietly.

Apparently, top vegetarian news, is what you eat. Are we regressing back to ‘toddlerdom’ —

Ooooh! Our baby, Cilantro Thunberg is off breast num-nums and on solids now.

And for most of us … even that was TMI.

If you are a vegetarian for health or moral reasons … great. But I do not care. I eat meat because it reminds me of … meat. I mean, can a vegetarian even give a blowjob … isn’t that the equivalent of eating rennet, or something?

Honestly, if I wanted to know about your meal choice, I would ask. If you are a vegetarian and I want to know why … I promise I will ask. But just as most people do not concern themselves if you order the Bison burger or the pork ribs, we do not care if you order the leaves or the roots.

We just QUIETLY think … Are you nuts. But we only think it. Cause it is none of our business. Capeesh.

And do not get me started on VEGANS. They’re the nuclear version of vegetarians. I have two words for you — regenerative grazing!

To all those people with food allergies, I have two words for you too — natural selection.

My daughter is a Type 1 diabetic. That is on us. It isn’t, and should not be your problem.

Finally to all those vegetarians who go about their business and eat vegetables quietly, thank you. You can stay. We love you.

To all Vegans … buy an island and piss off and live on it. But no dick ya hear. Cause dick is flesh … meat. Sausage. You are NOT allowed to put that in your body. That’s how we will achieve Vegan extinction I believe.

To all those who are reaching for a keyboard and a couple of Benzodiazepines…

Its comedy …

Always think SLAP and OSCAR NIGHT before responding. And remember Willy Smith is a vegetarian. Definite food-induced anger issues there.