CBD oil

I Don’t Feel Right Today

This is the norm for so many people.

I’ve been taking CBD oil for a couple of months now and by mistake I didn’t get it ordered on time. This is the third day without it as I wait for my little bottle of Happiness to make its way across the country and into my mailbox.

What a grave error I have made.

Squirrel brain

I have forgotten how difficult it is to navigate my days without some kind of treatment. I do not have any major diagnosed disorders other than PTSD which is related to prior trauma in my life. But there’s something more than that going on.

I have always been a highly anxious and fast thinking person. It’s like my thoughts are racing around in all directions creating so much confusion that I can’t function. I can’t sit and simply read a book right now because my mind is a veritable minefield of synapses.

I can’t complete a sentence very well because I race from one sentence to the next before finishing my thoughts. It is difficult, in general, to carry on a conversation without feeling like I am rambling and dominating the conversation. It feels almost impossible to just simply listen to what someone else is saying.

I sit down. I get up. I sit down. I get up. There’s something inside of me that feels like it is doing the wrong thing at the moment and that there’s something else I must be doing but I can’t possibly think of what that thing must be. So this constant feeling of discomfort and agitation is going on inside of me. My emotions are always a bit exaggerated and fluctuate making it hard for me to handle normal situations. I can’t be still inside or out.

I have always thought of this condition as being anxiety. I do have anxiety and most of it is tied to particular events or activities such as driving on the interstate. I also have anxiety about going to bed at night. I know that sounds bizarre but at the approach of bedtime, I feel very anxious about laying down in the bed and attempting to go to sleep.

My inability to sleep is a beast all its own.

CBD oil to the rescue

I started taking CBD oil a few months ago to treat a chronic pain situation. To be honest, I’m not sure that it is helping all that much with the chronic pain but some other things in my life have fallen into place with such ease that I have felt more normal in the past few months than I have in the past two decades.

First of all, I started sleeping. I mean really sleeping. Laying down in the bed and falling asleep within the hour. That is miraculous for me. I sleep more deeply and comfortably, as long as I’m not experiencing some sort of pain event.

Second of all, I noticed that I can think straight. I could make a list. I could work on one or two things at a time and complete them successfully. I could read and enjoy and interpret the material without having to tell my brain over and over and over to read, read, read. It’s not such a terrible effort to just read the words now.

Also, I can sit down without feeling like there’s something wrong inside of me making me get right back up.

I can rest.

I can have a conversation with another person and it’s almost bizarre to witness myself carrying on a mutual conversation in a calm fashion. I can listen to other people. I can share my thoughts without them flying so quickly out of my mouth that I am bombarding the world with my presence.

I can have empathy without feeling overwhelmed.

I feel normal. And it feels wonderful.

Another wonderful thing that has happened is that a chronic disorder that I have has nearly suddenly stopped. I have Dermatillomania which is also called Excoriation Disorder, which is a chronic compulsory condition of picking at my own skin. And I mean picking at it so excessively that I scar myself and am unable to stop doing it. It is a compulsion, a coping mechanism, and something I do without even thinking about it. Sometimes picking is so obsessive in my mind that I will spend large blocks of time dedicated to the activity.

When I started the CBD oil the picking stopped. I no longer cared to do it. My skin is clearing up for the first time in decades; perhaps 4 decades, as I have been picking my skin since I was a very small child.

I cannot shout loud enough to the Excoriation Disorder groups that I am in to please, please try CBD oil and see if it will help you. They all think I’m just trying to sell it. (I signed up as a distributor so that if anyone bought from me it would help me to buy my own CBD oil each month. To date, I have not sold any and wish I hadn’t signed up as a distributor — maybe people would honestly believe I am trying to help them and not sell to them.) I don’t care if they buy it from me or buy it from anyone else as long as they try something that works for them. It hurts me to see people hurting and suffering and struggling.

I had truly forgotten how uncomfortable I am without the CBD oil in my system. Yes, there are other alternatives such as SSRIs or anxiety medications and I had tried those things for many years off and on with a lot of side effects and complications. This is the first time that I have used something that is helping me without complications.

So today, without the CBD oil in my system, as I literally paced the floor while I’m verbally dictating this article, I am thinking of how grateful I am to experience those moments of normalcy.

As I pace the floor today, I may write 12 articles ( I’ve already written three and it’s not yet 3 in the afternoon). I doubt I’ll be able to edit them all right now, but I will keep trying. I will always keep trying. But when the mailman brings my little box with my CBD oil in it, it will be a lot easier for me to keep trying.

I like myself so much better with CBD oil working its magic inside of me. I am still me, only better.

If anyone has questions about the dosage or brand or anything else about the CBD oil that I’m taking, I am happy to answer any questions in the comments. I’m not a medical doctor — I’m just a person. I can only attest to my own experience. A medical doctor did, however, recommend that I start taking CBD and that was the final confirmation I needed to try it after months of research and contemplation. To that orthopedic doctor — I thank you.

Christina Ward 💗 is a poet (follow Fiddleheads & Floss Poetry), nature writer, and essayist who writes on topics such as relationships, mental health, parenting, politics (follow Politically Speaking), humor, writing, and creativity. Her first collection of poetry will be out soon!