Summary

A transgender female reflects on her 60-year experience of living as a man due to societal norms of the 1950s and the personal journey of embracing her true identity.

Abstract

The author, a transgender female, shares her personal story of disguising her gender identity for six decades, adhering to the strict gender roles of the 1950s. She describes the internal conflict between her assigned male role and her feminine desires, which were suppressed to conform to societal expectations. The narrative reveals her transition, the emotional liberation it brought, and her realization that true strength lies in vulnerability and authenticity. She emphasizes the joy and relief of living as her true self and the importance of understanding and acceptance for transgender individuals.

Opinions

The author criticizes the rigid gender roles enforced during her childhood in the 1950s, which dictated that "boys were boys and girls were girls."
She expresses that the societal pressure to perform masculinity led to a life of isolation from her true feminine identity and desires.
The author believes that the traditional "stoic" male archetype is a facade, referring to it as a "crock" and suggesting that true courage involves embracing both strength and weakness.
She conveys that transitioning allowed her to feel weakness without judgment, love without shame, and joy without guilt.
The author emphasizes the importance of human touch and connection, as exemplified by her appreciation of a simple hug after a lifetime of gender denial.
She views her transition as a key part of her humanity, granting her the right to express a full range of emotions openly.
The author's writings aim to provide therapy for herself, solidarity for other transgender individuals, and education for cisgender people to foster understanding and acceptance.

I Disguised as a Man for 60 Years: What I Learned in the Process

Stoic is for sissies!

How do you hide from yourself to 60 years?

I did.

I was born a transgender female and for sixty years I hid it from myself.

“How,” you may ask? Simple, I was born in the 1950’s when boys were boys and girls were girls. I and Society, in our collective ignorance, held it as an absolute truth. Back then men went to work and women stayed home. Roles were simple and rigidly enforced.

Conform or hide. Most, who now qualify as LGBTQ, stayed hidden, underground and out of sight.

I did a little of both.

I followed the male role I was assigned because I had a penis but I was isolated from anything female. I was given GI Joes, trucks, cars, baseball gloves, footballs. All I wanted was to go to dance class proudly wearing my tutu. That was always a day dream that I never, ever shared. Most of my day dreams were feminine. It was a world where I could be happy without restraint.

You can always make your dreams perfect. https://www.pexels.com/@cottonbro/

My reality was different. I needed to be a man. I learned how to act to the point it was instinctive:

I held the doors for women.
I protected them if there was a danger.
I paid for dinner and anything else on dates.
I was aggressive with other men. I rarely backed down.
I was there to comfort but never to be comforted.
Guy jokes about women had to be tolerated in silence so I could be manly.
Sex was not love.
Never cry. Never show weakness.
Always be a man.

I learned we never cried and felt pain, unless in a bar at 2 o’clock in the morning sharing “bro” hugs. We followed the “guy” creed:

“Just suck it up and never let it show”.

What a crock!

Ever since I confronted being a transgender female and started transitioning, I realized that I discovered a key part of being a human. I discovered I could feel weakness without judgement, I could to love without shame and that I had a right to joy without a sense of guilt.

Stoic is for sissies. Courage is for human beings. I love being a woman. I get to be strong and accept my weakness. I get to honestly cry, hug and share joy.

Most of all, I get to be me!

Emma Holiday

Thank you for reading my work.

Please also read:

A Simple Hug After a Lifetime of Gender Denial

The profound impact of human touch

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How Much Do Size D Breasts Weigh?

Maybe my COVID weight gain was the really good fat?

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Why is a Transgender Woman So Threatening?

I would be much more afraid of the lions and predatory men

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Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person.

We are.