I Didn’t Recognize American Racism Until I Repatriated With My Foreign Born Wife
Your body sometimes perceives things that your mind refuses to recognize
Flying into Florida from Lima, Peru, my wife noticed I kept clenching and unclenching my hands.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “We should be fine. All the documents are in order. I can’t think of any reason why anyone would have an objection.” I tried to smile, but the muscles in my face were too tight for the expression to seem natural.
My wife gave me a concerned look.
“Why are you so agitated?”
“I’m not agitated,” I said. “I have no reason to be agitated.”
But I was agitated.
What the mind won’t recognize, the body knows. I was taking my beautiful wife to a place where immigrants are treated with scorn. I ground my teeth. I clutched the armrests like they were a lifeline. Fractures began to appear in the systemic brainwashing that had rendered me incapable of confronting our country’s shameful reality.
The United States is racist.
It was no longer about me. For the first time, I recognized I could no longer deny the truth.
American denial
I had been in denial. Americans learn to deny reality as part of their basic conditioning. It’s always, always, always easier to deny a harsh truth than to behave like a mature and responsible human being.
We deny.
All my life I had been trained to ignore basic American racism. I saw it everywhere. It was there when the teachers and administrators of my grade school organized violent protests against traditional Ojibwe spearfishing. It was there in the news when conservative pundits bashed immigrants. It was in the films that featured a black character only so they’d have somebody to kill in the first few minutes.
There is a steady, undeniable current of racism.
But what did I care? I was white. I allowed myself to ignore it. I’d been trained to deny, deny, deny. Denial was a fundamental part of my personality. Why ruin Thanksgiving dinner with discussions of “fairness?” Why make people upset by pointing out the flaws that permeated our society.
“It’s not so bad.”
“You’re overstating things.”
“This is the greatest country in the world.”
It’s always easier to believe lies.
Immigration and the abuse of power
I took my wife through immigration in a daze. A man in a uniform stared at her Peruvian passport with the red, white, and blue visa sticker.
“Come with me.”
I went to join but he put his hand on my chest.
“No, you stay here.”
It was no longer about me. For the first time, I recognized I could no longer deny the truth.
They took my wife somewhere. Why was that necessary? What were they doing to her? An hour passed. Then another. After three hours she emerged.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded.
My wife was used to dealing with bureaucracy and long lines. But why didn’t they want me in there with her? What didn’t they want me to see? Why had it taken so long? Had this been just a show of power, or was it something more sinister?
I decided I didn’t have time to think about it. I wanted out of there. I felt a sudden urgency to get as far away as possible.
We scooped up our luggage, got into a rental car, and drove halfway across the state. I collapsed in a hotel room. My body took over again and shut my mind off. I slept.
Real and implied threats to your children
It’s painful to have to slaughter your delusions. People grow to depend on them and love them. Their delusions form the foundation of their day to day actions. Their delusions are how they justify themselves.
But no matter how attached you are to your delusions, it pales in comparison to the love a parent feels for his or her child.
Love of self versus love of other.
For some, love of other wins.
In defense of delusions, people will attack your children. If your children are non-white in America, they’re born with a target on their back.
“When you say America is racist, I feel bad about myself. Don’t you understand that?”
“When you deny America is racist, you call for white supremacists to commit acts of violence against my children.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“I don’t care what you think.”
Once again, the body knows what the mind won’t recognize.
Casual Harassment
Even now, 12 years later, my wife gets pulled over for no reason. She flashes a blue passport at immigration and regularly receives a raised eyebrow for her trouble.
Grown men tell my children not to speak Spanish in public, but not when I’m around.
I confess these things were easy to ignore when they weren’t happening to people I love. I’d walk through immigration focused on my own exhaustion, ignoring the fact that other people were being hassled. It’s convenient to assume they must have done something wrong. I’d flash my passport and get waved through with a smile. Nobody’s ever told me not to speak my native language.
Racism was a background static with the volume turned way down. Actually, it wasn’t static, it was made to appear beautiful.
You never want to believe others are opening doors for you because you’re evil. You want to think you’re great. Who doesn’t want to be told they’re great? But if you allow such things to continue, those same people will turn around and slam that door right into your child’s face.
Will you recognize your mistake when your child crumples to his knees, hands over his face as he attempts to stem the gushing blood?
What have you done?
Reentry
Culture shock is real. You spend a few weeks abroad and when you come home the difference is as pronounced and dramatic as when a black and white film suddenly bursts into color.
Everything is different, and it’s different forever.
Culture shock is disorienting. It’s probably why so many Americans are too cowardly to travel. In fact, they tell you not to travel. They want to keep you like them.
“Why are you going there?”
“You have everything you need here!”
“Traveling is disrespectful to America!”
But when you’ve spent a long enough time away, the culture shock begins to disappear. Soon you will be able to cross borders without experiencing any discomfort at all. That’s when the veil has been lifted. You’re free. You’re not under any control of perception.
The carefully coordinated delusion of American exceptionalism is extremely powerful, but its greatest asset is that the majority of people never have any reason to question it.
My body rejected racism, not my mind. When the realization came, my intellect had nothing to do with it. I don’t know how to lead others through this process. Real threats to the ones I love was enough for me. I know from experience that it hasn’t been enough for people who I presumed to be loyal and decent.
Many Americans are afraid to question their delusions and they’ll fight to protect them as if their life depends on it. There is a pain to reentry, but it’s not as terrible as the pain of living a lie. The question now is: how do we make them see?
