Summary

Ruby reflects on her complex relationship with her mother Ariel, marked by conditional love and the struggle to understand the sacrifices made for her upbringing.

Abstract

Ruby, a 56-year-old woman, grapples with the dynamics of her relationship with her mother, Ariel, which has been characterized by a "push and pull" of conditional love. Ariel, who is 86 and of Native American descent, has always reminded Ruby of the sacrifices she made for her daughter's better life, which Ruby initially felt were not made for her but rather for the house they lived in. Ruby's childhood involved living in different homes, which has left her with a lingering sense of rejection and abandonment. Despite the beautiful moments they share, their relationship is often overshadowed by darkness and pain. Ruby, now a mother herself, strives to provide unconditional love, consciously avoiding the patterns of her own upbringing, and acknowledges the complexities of love that cannot always be understood or demanded.

Opinions

Ruby feels that Ariel's sacrifices were not directly for her benefit but rather for the house they lived in.
Ariel, despite her age and physical limitations, is determined to maintain her independence and manage her business.
Ruby has mixed feelings about her childhood home, admiring its sparkling bricks while also resenting the attention it received from tour buses.
Ruby's upbringing involved living in three different phases of homes, which contributes to her dread of Sunday nights and the anticipation of returning to her mother's house.
Ruby struggles with understanding her mother's actions, including speculation about potential abuse and her mother's response to it.
Ruby recognizes the importance of accepting people as they are and works to prevent her childhood experiences from negatively impacting her own relationships.
Ariel acknowledges Ruby's success as a mother, implicitly comparing their parenting styles and recognizing Ruby's ability to keep her children with her.

I Didn’t Ask To Come Here

The Push and Pull of Conditional Love

Ruby is 56 years old and has spent the last 1/2 century of her life trying to understand the push and pull from her mother Ariel. She looks in the mirror and sees Ariel’s face become more prominent than her own. Not realizing it was there all the time lying dormant and becoming stronger with the passing years.

Ariel’s skin hue reflects the Native American genealogy of her Father with her mother having a similar hue. Ruby’s skin is dark and rich like a Hershey’s Kiss like her Father’s.

Ariel and Ruby’s skin is devoid of major wrinkles or lines. Their cheeks are round with proportionate lips that encase the tongue. Tongues that can create, comfort, and cut.

May I remind you?

No matter how hard they try Ruby and Ariel’s relationship is a push and pull. Ariel reminds Ruby that she “sacrificed” for Ruby to have a better life while Ruby FEELS sacrificed. Ariel says, “I sacrificed for you to have this house.” Ruby responds, “I didn’t grow up in the house, you didn’t sacrifice for me.” With time and adulthood, Ruby changes her thinking and understanding.

Ariel is an Octogenarian — blessed to be 86. She is strong like the titanium that has replaced both of her thigh bones due to numerous falls. She is determined to remain independent as she demonstrated with each fall. Determined to live she managed to call out while lying in her yard in the summer heat or drag herself to a door and beat up against the door — whatever she could do to be heard and saved.

Ariel’s mind is still sharp. She manages her business and despite her physical limitations, Ariel is determined to stay in the 3-level home she and Ruby’s Father built over a 1/2 century ago.

Bricks that sparkle.

The brick is bright pink and when the sun hits it exactly right — the bricks sparkle and seem to come to life and hide the sadness inside. It is in a middle-class neighborhood. When Ruby would ride her bike on Saturdays, she would always get annoyed at the tour buses bringing people in to see the homes of some of the famous residents. Ruby just wanted to ride her bike.

Ruby spent the weekdays in other homes and came home on the weekends. As a result, Ruby speaks of her life in phases, 3 phases — 3 different homes.

1. As early as she can remember until skipping Kindergarten and going directly to 1st grade.

2. 1st grade to 6th grade

3. 6th grade to college.

Ruby still dreads Sunday nights and “neatly” packed suitcases. She has given up on getting a full understanding as to why this was her fate. Fridays remain special as that would be the day that Ruby would go home for the weekend.

Understanding

When they are in a good Mother/Daughter vibe it is beautiful but when it goes dark it is thick and painful.

Ruby says out loud, “I have to accept people where they are — was Ariel raped is that why? — did Ariel know Ruby’s Father was touching Ruby and this was Ariel’s way to protect -if she knew — why not put him out -was she afraid she couldn’t take care of Ruby on her own”?

Ruby’s mind can become like a pin ball machine with thoughts of why’s and what ifs. The little girl that resides in Ruby wrestles with a sense of rejection and abandonment. Ruby must remain aware of triggers and manage through so that she does not destroy or sabotage her own relationships.

When Ruby became a wife and a mother, she went overboard to show her love -her unconditional love. Yet conditions are a part of life and it is simply how we manage and respond to them. Love cannot smother when the carrier is lonely, love cannot abandon when the carrier feels slighted, love cannot demand understanding. Love asks, love listens, and most importantly love acts sometimes in ways that cannot be understood.

After the birth of Ruby’s second child in a moment of raw and painful truth Ariel said to Ruby, “you are a better mother than me — you kept yours with you”. Ruby almost dropped the phone but found the grace to respond — “we all do the best we can”.