I Did Away with the “J”

It wasn’t an easy decision.

Do you notice anything different? By nature, I am a fairly reserved person. It takes me a long time to be open and vulnerable. I knew that when I started blogging online, I wanted to be anonymous.

I wanted to feel free to write about anything and everything without having to worry about someone finding it. I am working towards being okay regardless if people I know see it or not. I am me and there is nothing that I should be ashamed of.

I started writing under the name “Blogs by J.” Some of you might remember that name! I felt safe and able to be free with my writing, but then it started feeling too impersonal. I then changed to my pen name “Jessica Levine.” My first name is Jessica, so I felt that it was a step in the right direction in terms of being more open and truer to myself, while still maintaining some anonymity.

Feelings

I was content for quite a while and very happy with the switch to change my name! It felt more real. I then became fixated on the cursive “J.” As much as I love the color purple, it is my absolute favorite color, I felt like the profile picture was putting a barrier between myself and you all. I started feeling like I was slipping down a familiar path of hiding my true self and giving in to fear.

On the flip side when I see other people’s names and profiles, it doesn’t really matter to me what icon I see or what their name is, it’s the writing that draws me in. To me, I have a connection to all of you no matter what your profile picture looks like. I get a sense of who you are, and your stories captivate me by your words and not what your name or icon is.

I have received so many nice comments about how the profile picture doesn’t mean much and that it is the writing that others relate to, even though I was so happy to hear this, part of me kept feeling like the icon was a barrier and even though I once loved and still do love the barrier, for personal reasons I feel the need to take it down for personal growth.

As much as I strongly desire to maintain anonymity, there is also a feeling deep inside of me to be more transparent. It has been an ongoing battle inside of me for a long time. What holds me back is feeling like I can’t write what I want to because someone may find out and read it, but this is a huge problem to think this way. One of my goals is authenticity and if I am afraid to be myself, then I will not be able to conquer this goal.

My family knows that I write online. My friends, however, do not. They know that I enjoy writing, but not that I actually write on a platform. I don’t speak much about it in general because for me it is something special and sacred that is just mine. It is my retreat, my hiding place, a safe space for me to turn to after chaotic days.

My Goal

Authenticity was my choice word for 2023. I feel that I have succeeded in most areas in regard to this, but there is still work to be done. Changing my profile picture would help me reach this goal of not being so afraid to just be myself and put myself out there. One can absolutely be authentic and anonymous, it’s more of me wanting to reach my goal, even if it is in a small way such as revealing my face. I have spent so much of my life “hiding” from the world that it no longer brings me comfort to do so.

I don’t want to feel that I need to hide myself to prevent uncomfortable situations, I want to feel okay with just being. I want to be able to freely express myself without feeling the need to hide. This is a life-long issue that I’ve had. I’ve gotten better, but I still hide my feelings sometimes and I fear rejection and abandonment more than I want to.

To many, sharing their name or face is not a big deal, to some, they cannot share their identity for privacy or legal reasons. It’s funny how what is a huge task for some is a small thing for others. This decision has weighed on me for a very long time. I finally took the plunge. I hope that I feel good about the decision like I did my name change several months ago. I see this journey as a series of baby steps in the right direction. Slowly but surely I am wanting to break away from my old habits.

In case you read my story yesterday, the answer to the two changes are my profile picture and that I am now a Friend of Medium! You had some great guesses, I am impressed!

Sometimes making small changes feels really good. It breaks old habits, refreshes the mind and soul, and it is exciting to do something new. Thank you all for your continued support along the way, you are a wonderful community of people that I appreciate beyond words!