Relationships

I Dated A Girl With A Traumatic Past. Here’s Why It Didn’t Work Out

My attempt to outpour love couldn’t stand against her psychological defenses

Thinking of you is a poison I drink often.

— Atticus

I have come to a point where romantic relationships don’t intrigue me anymore. One of my past girlfriends turned out to be toxic beyond imagination. She had confided in me her past traumas and I, as an ideal partner, decided to help her out. The only thing is that, both of us ended up helpless.

Like a mist in the morning sun, her facade of smiles vaporized away as our bonding grew more and more intimate than ever. She revealed to me the demons of her past that had her troubled psychologically. Her life was a maelstrom of conflicts hidden beneath a wide and beautiful twinkle. I, on the other hand, was in a thick soup myself. My mysterious illness was ravaging everything dear to me, and I was struggling to find a way out. I too opened up to her, and, together we decided to find a way out. The idea of living together happily ever after, tending each other’s wounds, and walking the trajectory of life hand-in-hand, had both of us entrenched in a deep trance. The honeymoon phase was beautiful, but things started to change. For the worse.

Her psychological defense mechanism was repression. She would actively bury her disturbing thoughts while awake, and the resulting cognitive dissonance would be balanced by a falsely elevated image of self. Her injured self-esteem would manifest as narcissism, to fool the subconscious mind. And her narcissism would take the form of tenacious, unwavering complacency to the point of irritation. This is where it would get difficult. The poking, on-your-face complacency. She would refuse to accept her mistakes, and blame others. Her heightened view of self as a compensatory response to the deeply embedded feelings of shame, would bruise me very often. I hate to say this, but it got intolerable after a level.

Her ‘parent’ ego state would admonish and scold me while I normally went about my business. The ‘child’ ego state would ignore her own faults as she blundered often. My all attempts to get her a therapy session were turned down by her. It was a stalemate.

Life with her had become akin to traversing a swamp while the crows pecked on your head. Consequently, I broke up on a text message. The mode of breaking up the news was quite insensitive on my part, I know, but it also shows how desperate I was to untangle the clutches of a poisonous bond.

A toxic relationship always signifies underlying psychological issues which need to be dealt with. If not amenable to your intervention, it is best to leave. You don’t owe your own health to anybody. Unless a relationship helps you grow mentally and spiritually, there’s no point in staying. Some things are better to let go, like a lump of burning coal. The harder you hold, the more you are burnt.

The Unknown Doctor