RELATIONSHIPS / INSECURITIES

Did I Damage Our Relationship By Taking Too Much Responsibility?

Where to draw the line when handling our insecurities

I recently led a group discussion about the best ways to cope with feeling insecure when your partner is on dates with other people.

Because, remember, polyamory doesn’t make us immune to insecurity. Monogamy has been hammered into us all our lives. Rationally, we’re okay with what’s happening. But our brains are illogical bags of water, and it’s hard to stop them dredging up all the worries we’ve been told we should have.

And I asked the group a question: Whose responsibility is it to deal with that insecurity?

Is it the partner on the date? They’re the one having all the fun. And so, should they take on the responsibility to ensure their partner is okay?

Or is it your own responsibility? Surely it’s unfair to mar their good time by placing your personal insecurities on their shoulders?

As I expected, the answer from the group was “Both”. Because, as good, ethical, non-monogamous humans, we all know that to be in a relationship is to be part of a team.

But one person dissented. They spoke up against the consensus with a question of their own: Is it always fair to have to take on your partner’s problems?

Many people argue that polyamory is a front for those looking to avoid commitment. An excuse to no longer have to care about dealing with the more challenging parts of committed relationships.

They are wrong, of course. But I have to admit their prejudice has at least a kernel of truth to it.

In her forward to the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, author Eve Rickart mentioned the problematic nature of her famous collaboration with Franklin Veaux, More Than Two:

It placed the onus of building security almost entirely on the individual who felt insecure. Despite the many people who were helped by the book, this inappropriate focus caused harm.

Veaux’s work was once considered seminal. Now, thankfully, we’ve recognised how he presented a biased version of what polyamory is: a way for him to avoid dealing with any of his partners feeling insecure about his actions. He did what he wanted, and if a partner expressed discomfort, they were the one in the wrong for stifling him.

Putting our problems onto someone else — or letting them take them from you — is not only unfair but can also be damaging to your relationship.

Because in a healthy polyamorous relationship, it’s not your responsibility to get over your insecurities alone. You state your boundaries, form agreements, and together you and your partners adhere to them. Even if that means they have to temporarily hold back on some things.

However…

… it’s also important to maintain personal responsibility for your actions and problems. As Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. puts it:

If you don’t accept responsibility for your relationships, and you are unhappy in one or more, look to yourself first. It’s very easy to blame someone else for your uncomfortable feelings, so be sure to look at how you may have contributed to whatever is upsetting you at the moment.

Putting our problems onto someone else — or letting them take them from you — is not only unfair but can also be damaging to your relationship.

In my youth, I had self-esteem issues. Long story short, these led to me convincing myself the only way anyone would ever love me was if I made myself indispensable. So, whenever my partner encountered an issue, I made it my job to fix it for them.

I took on the responsibility for her problems in insecurities. And, to be fair, she allowed me to do so.

And so, we developed codependency.

It all comes down to those two constant companions of any healthy relationship: Knowing your boundaries, and open communication.

Our relationships need to be a team effort, where we share our issues and work together to help each other. While, at the same time, we keep ourselves from putting our personal problems on our partner’s shoulders.

So, where’s the line?

I think the only answer can be “Where the two — or more — of you decide it is. It all comes down to those two constant companions of any healthy relationship: Knowing your boundaries, and open communication.

These allow you to (a) identify the problems you are facing and (b) decide how much responsibility each of you has for them.

Some problems you may decide you need to be handled alone. Maybe you need to learn how to cope with being on your own while they’re with someone else.

But maybe you do need their help. Perhaps part of your learning experience is getting them to adjust their communication. Perhaps you need to know more about what they get up to on their dates. Or maybe less. You’re not making it their responsibility to deal with your issues, but they are taking on what they can to make it easier for you.

Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that your relationships rely on everyone being honest and open with each other.

When I put the original question to my group, the immediate answer was “Both”. And while we weren’t wrong, we were massively oversimplifying things.

We all have our issues. I know for a fact I do. I doubt there’s anyone in the world who isn’t bringing some kind of insecurity into their relationships. And the only person who can take responsibility for working on your issues is you.

But to be in a relationship is to be in a team. And the two of you should work together to form a framework for them to help you work through your issues while not taking responsibility for them.

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