I Couldn’t Free Myself From a Man

Divorce law won’t recognize the dangers of extreme control

I don’t have a lot of secrets as a writer. But there’s one thing I don’t share. Because it frightens me. Even now. Several years after freeing myself from a man who wouldn’t let me go.

“I’m having a hard time watching Dateline,” says my sister.

“I know,” I say.

“I worry he will do something to you,” she says.

“At times, so do I,” I say.

There’s nothing remotely normal about this conversation.

A woman shouldn’t fear the individual she divorces.

Her family and friends shouldn’t fear for her safety. Worse, her own children shouldn’t be scared that their father could do something to their mother. Because his behavior and abuse have escalated to a frightening level.

For no other reason, except a wife broke up with her husband.

And he can no longer control her.

This wasn’t an isolated conversation. I had other family members and friends express their concerns.

“You don’t think he’s capable of harming you?” they would ask.

“I’m not sure anymore,” I would say.

And I wasn’t.

And neither were they, it’s why they were inquiring.

My husband had been diagnosed with a lack of empathy and a narcissistic personality disorder on the severe end of the spectrum. An individual who lacks empathy can be dangerous. There’s no other way to put it. It’s a reality.

A narcissist doesn’t have the ability to feel the pain of others.

A narcissist only feels their own pain.

No one would have ever guessed how ruthless and cold my husband could be. His covert narcissism fooled many. Unlike the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist can hide even deeper within society. They are both charmers but the covert narcissist appears easygoing.

They manipulate and maintain their control passive-aggressively not openly. No one recognized the narcissist until I attempted to divorce him sans the mental health professional who diagnosed him.

In divorce, he proudly and unapologetically waved his narcissistic flag.

Even our children worried about my safety.

My husband proved he was willing to hurt them to hurt me. Kids understand that’s not natural. A father should protect them, not attack them in an effort to bring down their mother.

This level of abuse proved the counselor’s diagnosis.

A lack of empathy is a critical deficit.

Without it, we aren’t fully human. It’s what makes a narcissist a predator. It’s what makes a narcissist dangerous. A human hunter. A ruthless controller of his own non-reality-based world.

A narcissist will stop at nothing to achieve what they want.

Worse, they will punish anyone they believe ‘wronged’ them.

I just wanted to be free. I wanted a chance to start over. I wanted calm in my life. I wanted peace in my children’s home. I just wanted an adult breakup called a divorce.

I was more controlled in divorce than in marriage.

While married, my husband (a narcissist) felt in control.

The divorce system still doesn’t recognize the danger of extreme control. If they did, there would be appropriate measures in place. It wouldn’t be professionals rewarded for elongated divorces. Children wouldn’t be subjected to long-term emotional, financial, and in some cases physically abusive divorces.

The warning signs are screaming.

Narcissist or not, extreme control shouts Danger, Will Robinson.

There’s nothing normal about…

Spouses who have to fight to free themselves from a controller.

Spouses who refuse to move out of houses or cooperate in divorce.

Spouses who say ‘all’ of the money and possessions belong to them.

Spouses who make threats about destroying someone who leaves them.

Spouses who hurt their own children to hurt the other spouse.

Spouses who are financially abusive and withhold food, insurance, etc.

Spouses who break the law just to win their desired outcome in divorce.

Spouses who lie, cheat, and steal to gain what they wish in divorce.

There’s nothing normal about extreme control.

This doesn’t happen when divorcing a healthy man.

It happens when you are divorcing an extreme personality.

The divorce system isn’t adequately equipped or contemporized to deal with out-of-control spouses who are seeking extreme control. The cogs in the family law wheel just keep moving. But it’s archaic. It’s not forward movement.

It’s not dealing with the problems and true danger divorce poses to some.

I’m not stupid.

I know why my fears were temporarily quieted.

A narcissist got the outcome he desired. He got it all. He remained in control because the abusive and tired emotional and financial tactics (lying, cheating, and stealing) worked for him. Why do you think some of these severe personalities implement these crooked agendas?

It works for them.

The divorce system permits it.

Do I believe my ex-husband (a narcissist) would have come after me if I had gotten some of what he calls ‘his money?’ The savings and retirement that was mine and that I was entitled to.

Absolutely.

History has shown an out-of-control ‘controller’ escalates when they don’t get their way or what they want. It’s their world and we are living in it. How dare we not do and provide the result they want?

A divorce has to be abusively off the charts for loved ones to worry about safety.

Individuals who are frightened enough to articulate it to you. And for you, yourself to question your own security. Because people have witnessed the bizarre, detached, and abnormal actions your spouse is inflicting throughout a divorce.

They understand what this person is capable of.

An individual they once found charming is proficiently evil.

I couldn’t free myself from a man.

There’s nothing remotely normal about this conversation.

A woman shouldn’t fear the spouse she divorces.