I Couldn’t Attract The Right Woman Until I Became The Right Man

True love stories start from within.

Our unique and dynamic personal journeys through our lives are tightly intertwined with our view of ourselves. Our perceived — and created — identities that drive the decisions we make on a daily basis.

In other words, the way you see yourself directly influences the ways that you interact with the world around you.

Conflict happens when the result we’re expecting, or the actions we’re taking, are out of alignment with the vision we have of (and for) ourselves.

Take, for example, someone who calls themselves an athlete but never trains. Their actions are out of alignment with their identity, and they’ll feel internal conflict as a result.

This reality serves up a dose of truth for those who try to “fake it ’til you make it,” because you might be able to fool others — but you can’t fool yourself.

You’ll always know that your actions are just, well…an act, and aren’t reflective of the person you really are.

When it comes to attracting a potential life partner, calamity occurs under these circumstances.

People are drawn to a made up or false version of you, and eventually get disappointed when the truth gets revealed (which it always does).

In the story of my own personal journey, I’ve been many different versions of myself over the years as I worked to figure out who I truly wanted to become, and the life that I knew would make me happy and fulfilled in the long run.

I believe that this is the part where most people get stuck.

Figuring out — not just what they want — but who they want to be.

I can tell you this with certainty because I’ve been coaching people for more than a decade, serving as a guide along their journey of self-creation while they build deeper fulfillment and love in their lives.

Most of us are taking shots in the dark hoping that we eventually hit something.

The problem there is that the “something” may not actually be right for us…

But, hey, at least it is something…right?

Maybe it’s a career path, or a new opportunity, or a life partner, or just a one-night stand. It’s something, sure, but it might not be your thing.

Hard to tell if you don’t know who you really are though, isn’t it?

On my personal journey, I have been many people, and publicly open about the learning experiences that came along with each individual phase.

For many — many years, I had no desire at all to be monogamous. I was a “late bloomer” when it came to understanding relationships, dating, and attraction (despite growing up in a healthy, loving, and emotionally stable household), so I spent most of my 20s…and some of my 30s…let’s say, exploring.

My wife knows this, as we were Facebook friends for more than a decade before we met in person.

That guy — the guy who only cared about which events he could attend, who he could meet, how he would be perceived by the world around him — was simply incapable of maintaining a monogamous relationship.

He had neither the interest nor the skills.

That person’s actions were reflective of that identity.

The nightclubs, the impulsive travel, the non-conformity, the relentless independence and resistance to anything that looked like a mundane daily routine (alright, that part is still true).

The point is this: That guy was never going to attract a mature, well-adjusted, and established partner who was seeking a stable adult relationship.

No problem there, since he wasn’t ready for it anyway.

In order to become ready for it, though, more than just actions had to change.

Perception of self had to change.

Priorities had to change.

Levels of confidence and internal security had to change.

Where time, attention, money, and energy was going had to change.

If you’ve followed my personal journey, you know that Rachel had two children before we met.

Now that we are married, the kids call me dad, have my last name, and I support the family through my writing, speaking, and coaching while Rachel is a stay at home mom.

Consider, for a moment, the reactions of people who knew the “former me” when they’d see me living this type of lifestyle.

Who in the hell had I become?!

More than just “I’m going to do things differently” is required to make such a drastic shift in lifestyle.

It’s more like “I’m going to become someone different.”

Not, though, for the sake of attracting a partner, that must be clear.

Changes in one’s life must occur because they, themselves, have made the decision to evolve. Driven by a greater purpose, they must want to create a new reality for themselves, and therefore become the person who is capable of creating it.

This is the only way that meaningful and lasting growth can occur.

Rachel, from her perspective (a single mother of two) held a standard for the type of man she would accept into her life.

A man who was willing to step up to the plate for her and the kids, to treat them as his own, to take responsibility, to be a teammate, a partner, a father figure, a healthy and loving husband.

The criteria (whether it be hers, yours, your partner’s, your friend’s — anyone’s) mustn’t just be met by actions, but by someone’s internal identity.

If I’d been faking it, or only “half-in” to the relationship, I never would’ve made the sacrifices, adjustments, compromises, concessions, and changes necessary to support and maintain this type of lifestyle.

I’d already been growing, evolving, changing my priorities, and becoming more clear on the man that I wanted to become.

As a result, the woman I wanted to be with had also evolved.

I was ready for a long-term relationship that could lead to marriage. Someone who valued family, connection, communication, and shared similar priorities.

Someone whose vision of the future aligned with mine.

I wasn’t looking for a certain set of actions, I was looking for a certain type of person.

There is a difference.

For any of us — then, it is not simply enough to go through the motions.

That only gets us so far, whether in our career, building a business, maintaining a friendship, or especially an intimate relationship.

Actions can be dishonest, manipulative, and contrived.

A true identity must be honed, crafted, built, and maintained over time.

It is built through a shift in mindset, healthy habits and hobbies, a strong and resilient sense of self unaffected by outside opinions and influences.

The person we become is what creates the life we want to live.

We attract the right people based on who we are.

We attract the right opportunities based on who we are.

We approach the world around us in accordance to who we are.

If your life isn’t on the path you want it to be, if you’re struggling to find the right people, opportunities, or the confidence that you know you should be drawing towards you…

Stop asking “what should I be doing?” and start asking “who should I be working to become?”

Then, live every single day in alignment with that identity.

Embody the values, beliefs, mindsets, and habits of that version of you.

Over time, you’ll have no choice but to become them, thus gaining the ability to create the life that they are capable of living.

This is your life, after all — it’s time to start being more intentional about how you’re going to live it.

Subscribe to my newsletter “The Next Level” for honest and uncensored advice normally reserved for private clients.

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.