I Confronted My Racist Grandma at a Family Party

And I don’t regret it.

• Note — some language used in this story may be triggering. Please understand the language does not reflect the view of the author and is used for the sole purpose of accurately portraying events.

It was a socially-distanced backyard BBQ for Mother’s Day. Skies were clear, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and wine was flowing.

We sat down to eat, and I braced myself for whatever poison I knew was about to come out of my sharp-tongued step-grandmother’s mouth. My Oma is a retired nurse and World War II survivor from Germany. She’s got an old-world mindset and a penchant for using any opportunity to impart her opinions onto others. Even when those opinions are unwarranted, disturbing, and racist.

I usually absorb her poisonous words in silence as she doles them out in small doses throughout family functions. It’s what I’d been taught to do. Confronting her would be considered disrespectful and a waste of time in the eyes of my parents, and I’ve always put their approval on a pedestal.

First dose.

She referred to the child being raised by a couple in her retirement community as ‘retarded’. As someone who works with people with special needs, this really hit home. My Oma knows this.

Me: “Oma, these days there’s different words we can say, like people with special needs, or people with disabilities.”

Oma: “Oh, we can’t call them Mongoloids? They’re all from Mongolia anyways.”

I did my best to play the game. I threw my head back, mustered up a fake laugh, and said, “Nope, can’t say that either.”

Second dose.

I recently took my indoor cat with a harness and leash into the backyard for some outdoor fun. He got spooked, twisted himself out of the harness, and frantically ran the length of the yard, hitting his head on the fence and the sliding glass door in the process. He’s currently safe, well, and indoors.

After hearing this, my Oma looked at me and said, “What kind of a cat does that? Maybe your cat is retarded?”

The fuse was lit.

Me: “maybe he does have special needs. Some cats have special needs, some people are bitches, who knows?”

Not exactly grade-A comeback material, I know. What can I say, I was relatively flustered.

I decided it was best to get re-centered and simply enjoy my meal. I’m doing the thing where you slowly chew your food and try to taste every bite, when I hear the conversation dip into the murkiest waters yet.

Third dose.

As my parents and my Oma began discussing my nephew and the way my brother and his wife of Chinese descent are raising him, I continued my futile attempts to re-direct my focus. Not even the tender spiced steak, citrus avocado salad, or jumbo garlic shrimp were doing the trick.

Oma: “I’m telling you, it’s ridiculous that that baby is one year old and not using a spoon. They’re raising him the Chinese way, and it’s uncivilized!”

I felt my blood pressure rising.

Oma: “It’s not right, she’s making the decisions right now and it’s all the Chinese way. He should be eating with a spoon and walking already!”

Suddenly my Mom turned to me and asked, “what do you think?”

She didn’t know the fuse was lit…

Me: “Well, I think he’s developing fine motor skills by grasping the food on his plate, and by the time they give him a spoon, he’s going to pick it up quickly because he’s already got a lot of control. Also, it doesn’t matter what any of us think, because it’s their child. They chose to have him, so they can raise him however they want.”

Oma: “Uh-uh, he should be using a spoon. I’m telling you it’s the Chinese way! We need to do something about this.”

Me: “American, Chinese, Lebanese, it doesn’t matter. It’s their child and they can raise him however they want.”

By this time, my parents are becoming increasingly uncomfortable. My mom is asking me to stop, and my dad is asking me to calm down. I’m not by any means raising my voice, but I do get a little sarcastic and tell her she’s got mad Chinese ESP skills because I never would have made the same correlations.

Oma: “You’re such a smartass. You want everyone to treat each other kindly, but you don’t even show respect to your elders.”

Me: “I respect people who show me and the people I care about respect.”

Then, the mic dropped.

Kidding. My mom said: “Lucy, that’s not ok! Oma, let’s go smoke. Happy fucking Mother’s Day to me!”

My dad looked at me with the disappointed expression every child knows all-too-well and sat shaking his head.

I took a breath, got up, and left for a walk long enough I knew my Oma would be gone by the time I returned.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve listened to my Oma say things I knew inside were wrong — things about others’ race, bodies, lives, etc.

I always wondered why my parents, a couple of mixed race, neglected to address her comments. When I showed my emotions on the subject I was told, “It’s just Oma. That’s how she is, don’t pay any attention to it.”

Something must have been in the air that day, because I’ve decided I’m done keeping my mouth shut when I have something to say. Granted, I know I can work on delivering my message with more neutral language and tone, but I’m done doing what’s ‘respectful’ towards one and hurtful towards many.

Why I Did It

I’d rather be a part of the solution than the problem.

There are people in this world who are ignorant and racist. It’s a sad, yet undeniable truth. But it’s a privilege to sit and back and not say anything. If we let people — even those we love — continue saying ignorant and racist things, we’re not effectively doing our part as humans in an evolving society.

It’s easy to exchange glances with your sibling at the dinner party while wacky Aunt Martha drones on about those Mexicans taking our jobs or Uncle Bob jokingly calls you ‘special’ because you haven’t yet watched Tiger King. It’s much harder to call them out and set the boundary of what’s acceptable and what’s not.

How you would feel if the people being remarked about knew the things being said about them?

If you’re like me, you’d feel like shit. Even if that person isn’t bothered by what was said, why live in that negative vibe?

We keep our mouths shut because we don’t want to start something, but our silence perpetuates the continuation of racism and ignorance and teaches younger generations to do the same.

It’s 2020. Aloofness, apathy, and nonchalance are not sexy. Speaking up is.

What’s left unsaid can often be more harmful than what’s said.

As stated by Kevin Daum in his Inc. article on speaking up even when you feel you shouldn’t,

“Silence is deemed approval.”

Not speaking up allows current problems to persist and creates new ones where they may have never existed.

Almost every major holiday dinner, my Oma would size up my plate at the dinner table and make a comment. “Are you sure you should be eating that much, you’re almost the same weight as your brother by now!” Or, “You’ve gained so much weight since I’ve last seen you, have you been eating the whole fridge?!”

From a young age, my parents’ silence reinforced my Oma’s comments to be true. I learned my body was not good enough the way it was. I learned I was not good enough if my body looked a certain way.

I can tell you firsthand — these comments affect people. Like many women, I’ve struggled with body image issues for decades. Issues that may have been curbed or prevented had my parents directly addressed the comments to my Oma or me.

Your child, your choice.

One of the best parts about creating a family with your chosen partner is that you get to choose how you want to do it. Everything from the nuances of milk vs. formula, to the bigger picture philosophies on child-rearing — is up to you and your partner.

My brother and his wife deserve to raise their happy, healthy baby however they like, regardless of what other family members think or what cultural traditions they may or may not be passing on to their child. And I know as auntie I’m bias, but he is one of the happiest and healthiest babies I’ve ever met.

Respecting the elderly doesn’t mean sacrificing your authentic voice.

You don’t need to be nonreactive or take what elderly folks say lying down to show respect. You can respect the life lessons of your elders and your family members while speaking your authentic truth. If they can’t handle you doing so, it may be time to re-evaluate how they fit into your life.

Even the grandma in Wedding Crashers was addressed by family members for her offensive, outdated remarks in a respectful way. The important thing to remember is to rise above stirred emotions and “be the highest version of yourself when you communicate”. This way, your message comes across as non-defensive and non-confrontational.

I’ve spent a lot of time censoring myself for fear of offending others.

In the past few years, I’ve been learning to speak my truth more, even when it’s terrifying or uncomfortable.

In my experience, the pain of not speaking up is much more detrimental to myself and others around me. That’s because as cheesy as it sounds, when you speak your truth you speak from the heart.

You get to choose. Would you rather speak your heart-centered truth, or be stuck with a handful of “what if I’s” and “maybe I should have’s” while remaining silent?