Summary

The website content is a satirical take on the anticipation and speculation surrounding the events of the year 2022, humorously portrayed as the final installment of a trilogy that began with the year 2020.

Abstract

In a satirical article titled "I Can’t Wait For the Final Chapter of This Real Life Trilogy," the author playfully likens the transition into the year 2022 to the excitement of awaiting the concluding part of an epic movie series. The piece humorously reflects on the hardships endured while camping out to 'experience' the new year, including personal sacrifices and the spread of the Omicron Variant. It touches on the societal and political challenges carried over from 2020 and 2021, such as the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic and the January 6th US House Select Committee's investigation. The article also teases fictional and hyperbolic disasters expected in 2022, such as flying monster monkeys, killer squirrels, and rivers of blood, while maintaining a tone of dark humor and skepticism about the resolution of real-world issues.

Opinions

The author expresses a mix of excitement and trepidation for the year 2022, viewing it with a blend of humor and cynicism.
There is a sense of resigned acceptance of the COVID-19 pandemic's prolonged impact, as evidenced by the mention of the Omicron Variant and the adjustments to quarantine protocols.
The article suggests a satirical critique of the handling of the pandemic by health organizations, poking fun at the perceived absurdity of changing guidelines.
The mention of the January 6th US House Select Committee hints at a desire for accountability and closure regarding political events.
The exaggerated predictions for 2022, such as monster monkeys and rivers of blood, serve as a metaphor for the unpredictable and chaotic nature of recent years.
The author seems to long for a return to normalcy, as indicated by the promise of the next story from the Executive Producer, God D. Messiah, focusing on peace and global health.

APOCALYPTIC NEW YEAR SATIRE

I Can’t Wait For the Final Chapter of This Real Life Trilogy

I’ve heard phenomenal things about ‘2020 Part Three: The 2020iest,’ A New Dawn Breaks

When the previewed reviews of 2022 began to leak, my friends and I knew we had to dive into the year as soon as possible.

Since Boxing Day, four of us have camped out to ensure our 2022 seats. We look forward to watching the year in Dolby surround sound. Thankfully, we landed the second spot in line. From the movie theater entrance, the snakelike masses slither for a mile back!

Sure, sub zero weather and pavement sleeping have tried to deter our passion, but I’m not leaving until I get in to see 2022.

After our first night camping in line, Betsy lost a toe to hypothermia. On night two, Leah got the Omicron Variant. Leah felt pumped and did the happy dance. She assumed the OV was either a 1980s novel by Michael Crichton, a 1990s film starring Steven Seagal, or a new Transformers villain. When she discovered the OV was the newest mutated strain of COVID, Leah cried and went to the hospital.

On Day Three, Maureen received tragic word of her second cousin, Riley. Riley’s familial black sheep status was solidified. Maureen had rooted for Riley. The ne’er do well landed a plum role in 2021: 2020, The Sequel — Even 2020ier, but quickly squandered his fame and fortune. The 2022 producers recast Riley after the first two weeks of 2021.

Riley currently awaits trial for peeing on Nancy Pelosi’s desk. Maureen’s burning shame caused her to flee the line.

Thus, I now camp alone. I’ve had a chance to meet some of my fellow avid 2022 hopefuls, though. The husband and wife behind me work as voting rights advocates — their jobs have sucked this year. They believe the last trilogy chapter will wrap up the world’s current, bleeding woes. I’m inclined to agree.

2022 promises Easter eggs from 2020 and 2021

All great final chapters wink at their trilogy status. I’m brimming with confidence at 2022’s ability to embrace the past two years! However, this time, everything will feel bigger, brighter, and better.

In the trailers, 2022 shows COVID-19 cases exploding exponentially. Experts predict up to 40,000 more US deaths in the first weeks of January — 2022 will open with a bang! What’s 40,000 more unnecessary deaths when you’ve already had 854,000 though?

Plot twist — the WHO and the CDC call the Omicron Variant more virulent and less deadly! No one could’ve predicted this plot twist.

The CDC doctors — played by up and comers on Netflix and Apple+ shows, also decide to cut COVID-19 quarantine time down even further. A press release in the opening minutes of 2022 states:

If one has low blood oxygen levels on a Monday, but doesn’t need intubation, they can jump back to work in time for casual — and pizza — Friday!

The CDC doctors realize tests can take up to three days, so many will stop testing. Hence, fewer COVID-19 cases! Brilliant.

And, leaked spoilers still have antsy audiences wondering. In the last seconds of the 2022 trailer, the January 6th US House Select Committee finally indicts sitting members of Congress — or do they? We’ll have to watch to find out.

I think the promise of tying up loose ends from Chapters One and Two compels me to pay greatly to watch as 2022 unfolds.

Flying monster monkeys, killer squirrels, and rivers of blood

Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash

Any lover of trilogies knows the final chapter should resolve plot lines, but also introduce higher stakes. Thus, 2022 producers decided to introduce new villains. Get pumped for flying monster monkeys, killer squirrels, and rivers of blood, people!

From what I can glean, the flying monkeys will show up somewhere around April. A Reddit sub-thread begun by a 2022 “screenwriter” shows on set photos of horrific creatures. Think The Wizard of Oz monkeys but 10xs larger, sans clothes, and with pterodactyl wings. Oh, and fangs.

For centuries, the killer squirrels have been prepping for their global attack. Who hasn’t been chased by an aggressive squirrel at least once? But never before have they orchestrated a choreographed war on humans. Prepare for a killer squirrel army — aka. above ground rats with bushy tails — to launch an attack in March.

The flowing rivers of blood are another fantastic addition sorely lacking in previous 2020 chapters. Screenwriters wanted to tie in Biblical apocalypses to complete the trilogy. Plagues of frogs and fire felt overdone. Anyone living on the east coast of the U.S. deals with the locust plague at least every seven years. Hence, the rivers of blood.

The first sighting will occur in Ohio when the Ohio River turns crimson overnight. Look for rivers everywhere to follow suit. Whether the sight will wind up a cheap horror trick, or adversely affect the globe’s water supplies remains up in the air.

Producers commit to final chapter

In some ways, the leaked 2022 highlights feel more terrifying and chaotic than the previous chapters. However, 2022’s Executive Producer, God D. Messiah, promises 2023 will not tie into 2020’s story. God states his next story will focus on a period of peace and global health. I’m washed in a wave of relief, but a dark corner of my soul feels bummed too.

Oh! The theater staff just unhooked the red velvet rope. Looks like I can finally go take a seat. I promise to check in before 2023 and let everyone know how the story ends.

*Click here for more humor attempts from Sarah Paris.

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