avatarHenry Jo

Summary

The author reflects on the unrequited and consuming infatuation with their first love, Brooke, and the emotional lessons learned from the experience.

Abstract

The narrative recounts the author's intense and unreciprocated feelings for Brooke, which began in early childhood and persisted despite clear signs of disinterest. The author describes multiple instances of rejection, including a public embarrassment in front of their entire grade, which served as emotional "slaps" to awaken them from their romantic pursuit. Despite the pain and realization that the relationship was one-sided, the author acknowledges the growth and self-awareness gained from the experience. The story concludes with the author coming to terms with the past, recognizing the impact of their first love on their personal development, and expressing a desire to move forward while cherishing the positive memories.

Opinions

  • The author views their relentless pursuit of Brooke as misguided and regrets the time spent chasing an unattainable relationship.
  • There is a sense of embarrassment and naivety associated with the author's past actions, particularly in hindsight.
  • The author believes that emotional "slaps" were necessary, albeit painful, wake-up calls to prevent further unhealthy preoccupation with Brooke.
  • Despite the hurt, the author harbors no ill will towards Brooke, recognizing that the rejection was not malicious but a natural part of young love.
  • The author admits to residual emotional effects from the experience, indicating that the memory of Brooke still influences them, even if the romantic feelings have subsided.
  • The author values the personal growth that resulted from the experience, suggesting that even difficult and unrequited love can contribute positively to one's character.

I Can’t Stop Thinking About Her

Never forget your first love

Source of Image: iStock Photos from Getty Images, created by Mixmike, https://www.istockphoto.com/photos/guys-staring-at-girl

We’ve all let our attempts at relationships derail our life before.

Even if we won’t ever admit it, there’s been at least one person we’ve let take over our life, regardless of how unrequited or one-sided that attempt was. Our desire to be with that person, the flame of passion we had for them, burned so badly that we were willing to do anything to make it work. Not only that, but we also let it consume us, distract us from our everyday life.

When in life or falling hard for someone, the rest of your everyday life becomes a blur until you’re able to see them again, and until then you can only wait out the clock. It’s perfectly fine to chase after someone you think you’re destined to be with, but when it starts to take over your life that may be a sign it’s slowly becoming unhealthy. It’s a given that not every relationship is meant to be, and your current crush just might not be the one for you.

Most are able to realize this, but sometimes it takes a little slap upside the head to wake you up. No, not a literal slap, but rather an emotional slap that helps you realize it isn’t meant to be. These can come in any form or magnitude, but you’ll know when it does. Everyone who’s had this wake-up call before can tell you that it’s not fun, but sometimes to snap you out of your funk it’s necessary.

I needed an emotional slap, and I sure got one.

As with most of my stories, we won’t reveal the name here, and we’ll instead go with Brooke. Brooke was the first girl that I really developed feelings for, but now that I am where I am, it was the worst attempt at a relationship I’ve ever experienced. The major problem besides the fact that she wanted nothing to do with me, was that I kept on trying like an idiot. As a result, I got slapped in the face multiple times.

I didn’t want to get slapped more than once, but it played out that way. The first slap that I can remember was when we were both at a violin lesson, and I was right in the thick of this first love saga, around second grade or sometime near then. Our violin teacher wasn’t a grouch or anything, but she wasn’t too happy when I told her I forgot the rest of the piece halfway through to leave faster so I could catch up with her to show her I cared on Valentine’s Day.

Boy, what a hopeless, romantically blinded idiot I was.

Not only did my violin teacher force me to restart the entire song so there was no chance I could do it in private, which I then resented her for until she retired a couple of years later, but I still tried to give her the candy I had got because I was determined. I don’t know what note it was, but it wasn’t pretty and ended up being thrown away. I also did in front of everybody eating because I thought I was slick, but I could tell from her giggles with her friends it wasn’t so secret after all.

A part of me just died inside telling you that.

That still didn’t deter me from trying to woo her, when in fifth grade towards the end of my saga with Brooke, I literally got rejected in front of the entire grade. No, it wasn’t about me asking her out because I never would have recovered from that, but because I simply tried to go see her during lunch and it just never happened. By then, it was well known I had feelings for her, and the boys had my back.

Kind of, anyway. The girls had made some protective wall around her, and my friends tried pushing through that wall to no avail. They gave up eventually because they realized it would never work. The entire grade was there witnessing it, so it was pretty awful. That sounds like it’s 100 percent fake and out of a story about some poor chap, but that story is real and I’m the poor chap.

Brooke emotionally slapped me plenty of times, both in between that time period and after until I finally woke up and stopped myself from making a mistake like that again, but those two specifically stood out to me, probably because they hurt the most. The part that made this situation so unbearable was that she was one of the nicest girls in the entire school. Only when it came to me she became a different person.

That was probably for a reason, as I likely came off to her like a creep who wouldn’t go away, even though that was the exact opposite of what I was trying to be. I still see her every day, and she’s perfectly happy with her boyfriend. I won’t go into vivid detail here because I’ve got no problems with the guy and we get along just fine, but when I found out it hurt.

If it was any other girl, there’s a chance it wouldn’t have hurt as bad, but because she was the first, it made it worse. When she showed up with her boyfriend to play basketball against me and my friend, I felt like I was drowning. Not because I still wanted to be with her, but because it was just disorienting. It felt like all the time I had spent chasing after her was wasted, never to be taken back again.

I wasted my time. I spent years of my childhood trying to chase after Brooke when I should have known it would never happen. Sitting here and writing this doesn’t make me feel the greatest, but it is like therapy. Getting it off of my chest and just talking about it, it helps. I haven’t fully recovered, but I’m getting there.

During that game against her, I missed every shot. I couldn’t shoot from a distance, I couldn’t make the shots I normally make, and I couldn’t even score against her right next to the basket. My teammate was there making his shots, thank god for him, but I could only sit in the corner and watch as I bricked every shot, regardless of whether Brooke or her boyfriend was guarding me.

Some part of me recognized it was her, and for a second the old me came out and thought she was on the wrong team. That game, I wasn’t playing against her or her boyfriend. I was playing against myself, and the old demons inside me came out to play against me. I tried to keep up with them, but the demons ate away at me, and I struggled.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I couldn’t focus on the game even though it’s been years since that little saga. I don’t still have feelings for her, I shouldn’t, I won’t, but she was my first, so I can’t not think about her. It’s not her fault, and she doesn’t deserve the blame, but those demons inside are there from her.

I won’t ever blame her for what happened, or how she did it because we were so young. Those scars she gave me have recently opened up, and I can’t close them all at once. Those scars made me who I am today.

Your first love is always one you’ll never forget, and mine was no exception. Even through all the downs, there were ups with her and I enjoyed them even though I won’t admit it now. First loves are meant to be cherished, but I would rather not talk about mine, and let it rest in peace.

Relationships
Love
Dating
Self Improvement
Self Love
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