How I learned to be kind to myself

“I’ve missed you. Do you miss me?”

“Not that much”

“What do you mean?

“I mean exactly what I said”

After calling my boyfriend of 2 weeks out for not being as affectionate as he used to be, he finally told me that his feelings have changed, in that they just simply disappeared. Gone. After just 1 week, I broke down and called him after seeing his profile on Bumble. And that was the conversation we had. I guess (I know) every single relationship and dating advice book or coach in the entire world is going to tell me that I should just drop it, and that it could not have been more clear that he no longer has feelings for me. It’s as simple as 1+1=2 for an outsider. This feeling is not new to me. I can’t begin to count the number of times this has happened to me. And the way I react to this situation has always been the same. It’s the most consistent thing I’ve ever managed to do in my life. That is, beg for another chance, ask him to give it another try and chase him, even with the knowledge that I don’t mean anything to him anymore, even with a harsh rejection.

“What is wrong with her?” — Before you can ask that, trust me, I have asked myself that more than enough times. As if berating myself is not enough, I usually tell my mom what happened and every time, she and my dad would jump on me calling me disgraceful, undignified and just plain stupid. They would say that it’s their greatest misfortune to have a daughter like me. All of a sudden, it’s a contest to see who and what can make me feel worse.

“Don’t chase”

“Cut all contacts”

“You don’t need closure”

“Just don’t talk about it and think about it. Distract yourself with something else”

or my personal favorite

“Have some dignity”

But please also believe me when I tell you this: I CAN’T DO IT. And it’s not like I don’t try. I try. I try hard. I just don’t have the discipline and the mental strength to pull it off. I would call and text until they answer the call and agree to meet up with me “for the last time.” I have to try to make it work until exhaustion, until I can’t try no more. By now, you probably are thinking that I’m such a pathetic loser. And to add to the loserness of the whole thing, I am 29 years old, about to be 30 in 4 short months and I’m still living with my parents and I have never been able to sustain a relationship or make someone like me for longer than 2 weeks. It’s not that I don’t have enough money to move out. It’s just I feel stuck and given my traditional Asian background, my parents are quite against the idea of me moving out or me having any autonomy over my life at all. Plus, my mom owes a lot of money to the bank and I have to help her pay it off. Oh, and not to mention that this guy is not even worth it. He is a Russian who teaches English in Vietnam and he couldn’t keep this job during Covid and now he has just VND 13,000 in his pocket (which is less than a dollar). He’s not even that handsome and has bow legs. (Of course I have reasons to like him, such as that he’s a talented artist and his face is not entirely bad and he’s Russian, which I have a soft spot for.) However, I know that I could do so so much better if I had a different mindset.

Today, when telling my mom about me being dumped and how I clung on, a shower of criticism rained over me. They even said I’m an embarrassment to all the women in my country, that I humiliated not only myself but everyone who I represent. I did not know when I was dating, I’d be representing the entire Vietnamese women population. It honestly made me want to kill myself. I want to be better. Why can’t I be better? Why am I like this? What to do when you’re just born a person without dignity? How do you even gain dignity? What is the point of life if it’s just sufferings after sufferings? I feel like I don’t deserve life. I further put myself down. It has happened many many times over the past but this time, I thought, nobody shows any sympathy or kindness towards me. If I also continue to chastise myself, then who’s going to love me? If I don’t love me then no one will. I really only have myself. What’s wrong with yearning a boyfriend/life partner to share my life with? What’s wrong with fearing ending up all by myself in the end. I have feelings and I can’t regulate or control my feelings like how others can. I seem to lack that ability. But that’s me. I like the guy. So I hurt. I pain and I chase. I try because I care. Because my emotions are real. So they are embarrassing? What can I do because those are my feelings. I didn’t kill anyone, commit a crime or a felony or do anything bad or try to hurt anyone. I simply just have feelings. Why am I being punished for having the feelings I have? or being the person that I am? More importantly, why am I hating on myself because I am the person that I am?

I have felt inadequate for as long as I can remember. I have been dumped time and again. I have felt unwanted/undeserving even when I have achieved so much. I realized this moment that I’m writing this that I will always feel this way unless I start being kind to myself, being a bit more selfish, being a bit more protective of myself. Because no one will. My parents won’t. My family won’t. No one would extend this kindness to me so I have to. I have to hug myself. I have to believe in my decisions and actions and forgive myself for acting rashly on my emotions, for not being able to follow the relationship/dating advices, or simply just learning from mistakes. I have to pick myself off the floor and not kick myself. I have received enough kicks (figuratively of course. My parents don’t physically hit me anymore). I have enough bruises. I nurture and heal myself. I have to love myself.