I Can’t Get My Head to Focus

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Abstract

First World problem.Except…it is. I struggle with concentration and honestly, just giving a shit.I don’t care about work. I don’t care about the company. I don’t care about goals. I don’t care about Q1 earnings. I just don’t care.I care just enough to make sure I get a paycheck. That’s it.My first job was at 13. I’ve been working ever since. I’m turning 46 this year. I. Just. Don’t. Care.But here we are where I have major deliverables and I know my new boss (thankfully, someone I’ve known for a decade) is getting frustrated. I can’t focus. I used to be able to focus on a single task, no problem. Even with depression and anxiety, I got shit done.Now my General Anxiety is manifesting into screen format. I have thousands of tabs open, dozens of things I bounce between, and I’m surrounded with physical post-its and online checklists remindin

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g me how far behind I am.Maybe the problem is that I’ve stopped writing. I feel like writing on Medium takes a level of effort that I can’t contribute to right now but if I keep using it as a diary, I can dump these thoughts out and move on.I don’t need Medium money. I need my brain to be empty of words.In a previous life, I had a diet soda addiction. It calmed my brain. It sadly also left me exhausted.I take my Omega-whatever supplements. I tried taking Magnesium L-Theonate but there’s no form that I like taking. I’m trying to get adopt better sleep patterns.My eating is still garbage. It doesn’t help that with my holiday overeating and zero exercise, I’ve gained weight and lost muscle. The eating disorder monster in brain is in full force.I can’t even continue these thoughts…it’s time to pick up my kids. Interruptions don’t help.</article></body>

No motivation and procrastination are killing me

This isn’t a fancy article for a publication. This won’t be proofread. There are loads of typos. It’s just a raw dump of what’s been in my brain for sanity’s sake. Maybe the content will eventually fuel a formal submission, but for now…this isn’t it.

Dear Diary…

Just doing a brain dump because I need to get my head on straight.

I started a new job. After years of barely doing anything, I now have to work. Such a First World problem.

Except…it is. I struggle with concentration and honestly, just giving a shit.

I don’t care about work. I don’t care about the company. I don’t care about goals. I don’t care about Q1 earnings. I just don’t care.

I care just enough to make sure I get a paycheck. That’s it.

My first job was at 13. I’ve been working ever since. I’m turning 46 this year. I. Just. Don’t. Care.

But here we are where I have major deliverables and I know my new boss (thankfully, someone I’ve known for a decade) is getting frustrated. I can’t focus. I used to be able to focus on a single task, no problem. Even with depression and anxiety, I got shit done.

Now my General Anxiety is manifesting into screen format. I have thousands of tabs open, dozens of things I bounce between, and I’m surrounded with physical post-its and online checklists reminding me how far behind I am.

Maybe the problem is that I’ve stopped writing. I feel like writing on Medium takes a level of effort that I can’t contribute to right now but if I keep using it as a diary, I can dump these thoughts out and move on.

I don’t need Medium money. I need my brain to be empty of words.

In a previous life, I had a diet soda addiction. It calmed my brain. It sadly also left me exhausted.

I take my Omega-whatever supplements. I tried taking Magnesium L-Theonate but there’s no form that I like taking. I’m trying to get adopt better sleep patterns.

My eating is still garbage. It doesn’t help that with my holiday overeating and zero exercise, I’ve gained weight and lost muscle. The eating disorder monster in brain is in full force.

I can’t even continue these thoughts…it’s time to pick up my kids. Interruptions don’t help.