Life | Mental Health | Self | Depression

I Can’t Cry When I’m Depressed But I Usually Laugh

Am I Insane Or Have I Just Experienced Enough, I Believe It’s a Mix of Both?

It was perhaps last night, two streamy tears fell down my face from my left eye as I stared at my bedroom window. There was a deep silence when your heart seems to be at peace, but there is still suffering to bear. It gets hard for someone to manage both. That too along with chronic headaches that sometimes just last for a while.

Not that I care about the pain, I really don’t. I managed just fine without the medications as I always had. A walk or 5-mile run could help me with them. But now with the pandemic and losing a few people in my life one after the other, I believe the brain is taking a lot of things at once.

“People can cry much easier than they can change.” ― James Baldwin

I got diagnosed with clinical depression, hurray. Not that I am surprised, it’s just I’m cheerful at least people might take my symptoms seriously and not laugh at my face or mock me. At least they might even feel bad for laughing — they should. I need a great deal of suffering to cry, to be able to wail, and scream — I need a trauma that perhaps shatters my mental barriers.

I remember one night, two years ago. I broke into my agonizing episode it perhaps was comforting to just scream. Even then, my family asked me to quiet down, that they don’t want to deal with my condition. So as a man you have to suck it up, I perhaps wanted to just cry as I had held an entire decade of tears and suffering in my heart and soul. But my sister had said something, then that kind of made me feel like the only one.

We were going through a rough patch, perhaps the hardest one family can go through — and I was going through the hardest as it impacts on me was crucial towards my mental health decline. Though I tried to hold my tears in and I do sometimes. I wanted to cry, and the tears just reach my eyelids and they go back in. The mind doesn’t let them flow.

Am i mentally strong, perhaps.

I have a resolve towards life’s hardest of problems that it throws — I can easily persist through. I have always had difficulty crying in my adulthood. Whenever I have — it was always received with discretion and ill comments. That perhaps seems like the worst thing one can experience when they cry. No one trying to hold or even comfort you can really be hard. When somebody cries, you hold them and embrace them — that is what I have always done.

You just add misery in the life of the person by sitting alongside with them and not doing anything. They just want to be held and told, “It’s all right.”

Perhaps, it is written that way for me. I usually laugh at my own misery at times. It’s funny to know myself in and out. And life just seems to send its trials one after the other. I actually enjoy it. I have perhaps the willpower to lose it all, I am not afraid to lose it all. I barely have anything except myself and my life that I treasure with my heart and soul.

I use that will to help another as well. People I have known have always told me whether I am insane that I laugh at my misery. They perhaps don’t know the kinds of malice I have fought and experienced in life. The kinds of evils that break a man, perhaps to the point of suicide. I never have let them, they never could push me. The more harder my life got, I wanted to live.

Live it, I shall even if I have to laugh through the pain — i will live.

I have persisted plenty of experiences in life. There are many moments of suffering that do await me. I am not worried, even though I have migraines now — and sometimes they reach the eyes as well. This year, I think I have experienced every symptom that can cause a man depression from losing eyesight to losing hearing — from losing your loved ones to losing your life.

I have seen it all, I am not insane. Perhaps in the eyes of people, who live mediocre lives and never truly face their fears, I might be one. In my eyes, and myself I have lived a great life with every day spent in the service of mankind, and my loved ones. Regrets are common in a man’s life. We all regret many things, But we learn to manage them all.

“I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow. Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.” ― Santosh Kalwar

Something is just not in our control. Even if I have an ultra optimistic, attitude and a realistic persona towards life. Sometimes, the body needs nourishment and sometimes it will break down. We are all people, we have our problems — some of us have greater struggles but from those struggles comes strength and I tend to smile through them all, as happiness is perhaps a choice.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want to cry, I do. Perhaps, in the cold lonely nights — my eyes might water, and it would flow when no one is looking, only then perhaps I might be able to release myself from the loss of bearing such weights on my heart, mind, and soul.

“Never cry because you have mountains of problem in your hands to solve. Always smile because each problems will someday resolve.” ― Santosh Kalwar

Or when I’m talking to someone who can actually show me the compassion that brings out the tears at will. My will won’t let me fall into that condition, perhaps I wait for someone to hold me, as I need a shoulder to cry on because I can’t help but worry others around me — the thought of that just will never let me experience the release from my pain.

Thus the journey of expression continues as I walk towards, forward wherever life might take me — into their arms whoever wants to comfort my entirety of being until the indiscrete joy will keep me company as I laugh it all away, though how hard it seems I will be all right, I believe.

I hope and pray everyone reading this is blessed with the courage and will to live on as do I. Take care, Stay Blessed and Stay Safe!

Thank you for reading.