I suppose I could be more gracious

I Can’t Be A Narcissist Because I Am Perfect: Another Catch-22

A humorous look at narcissistic thinking

“I am not a narcissist.”

These are the words I calmly uttered to my love interest of over a decade. He chuckled, quietly. I know his different laughs, and this laugh in particular was not the awkward-and-courteous type of giggle. This was a sincere chuckle that made him appear joyful. He was amused by my declaration, and yet the words, to me, were very sincere.

“Do you think I am a narcissist, Chris?” I playfully slapped his shoulder. He only chuckled louder in response.

This was the first time we had talked about this topic. We started to really dig into the layers of the concept of narcissism. I googled the term “Am I a narcissist?” And found a checklist of personality traits and behaviors of a typical narcissist. As Chris and I worked our way through the list, my face grew warm and I am sure I was blushing an embarrassing shade of red. I answered affirmatively on 90 percent of the qualifying criteria of a person with narcissistic tendencies.

I was shocked and at first, I just shrugged it off as nonsense. That is when I said something absolutely embarrassing — which will be revealed in the list below.

By the end of our first (of many) conversations about this absurd label, Chris became more amused while I grew increasingly more concerned. I had come to the following (partially correct) conclusions.

1. I am not a narcissist… intentionally.
2. Anyone can behave in a narcissistic way, and likely does, frequently.
3. I am not as special as I thought.
4. Some people just don’t understand the minds of narcissistic super-humans. (Read: Sarcasm)
5. I am most definitely not a typical narcissist, because, in order to be a TRUE narcissist, one must be flawed. I am not flawed therefore I am not a narcissist. (Read: Sarcasm)

When I actually had the repulsive thought from conclusion #5 in the above list — I realized … I really might be a narcissist. Only a genuine narcissist could think they are perfect. So, the fact that I see this, and understand that it is a flaw to not see one’s own flaws… means I am able to see my imperfection. This means I can no longer qualify as a narcissist- since narcissists are most notorious for their delusional vision of their perfect-selves. This is a Catch-22 if ever I did see one.

What the heck is a Catch-22?

A Catch-22 refers to a paradoxical circumstance in which the solution to a problem is impossible because the problem is created or provoked in some way by the solution. If you are scratching your head in confusion, perhaps this example will clarify it.

When you decide to buy a cheap pair of reading glasses, you must decide on the strength of the magnification. When you look at the packaging, you have to squint and strain to see the numbers on the label — because you need glasses. This is a “Catch 22”. The original Catch-22 is named after a superb book by James Heller.

In the original Catch-22, the idea evolved from a clause in a military protocol. The catch was this: You could be excused from certain flying missions if you were deemed to be insane. In order to be deemed insane, you were required to fill out a tedious form that when done correctly disqualified you from being considered insane- because a crazy person would not have the wits to complete the application for the excuse. This would mean that a soldier who applied to be excused, as a crazy man, would be kicked back into flying missions because only a sane man can identify insanity — even his own.

“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he were sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to, but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle. (p. 56, ch. 5 of Catch-22 by James Heller)”

The Catch-22 of acknowledgment of narcissistic behaviors

When I realized that I am flawed, and not just a little flawed… I was amused. My acknowledgment of the ownership of the flaws most common in narcissism disqualifies me from being an absolute narcissist. Beautiful! I wanted to make a bumper sticker out of the headline of this post, but not many people would get the joke.

And besides… it is not really a laughing matter, usually. There is a difference between having some qualities of a narcissist and being clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I urge you to connect with a professional in the medical industry if you find yourself on the embarrassing side of a quiz like the one I described. I am not a doctor. This is not advice. I am only bringing up the topic from the perspective of someone in the hot-seat. Only a doctor can diagnose such a mental illness, and thus — as a respectable society, we should not label each other so absolutely. Here is a valuable resource on the topic of the real, psychiatric disorder:

I don’t want to be the narcissist in the room.

I don’t want to be the one at the painful end of the pitchfork. That is what it feels like to become acutely aware of one’s own narcissistic behaviors. It is a modern witch hunt, the way people use shame to corner accused narcissists.

I don’t want to be the dreadful character that is portrayed as an abusive, gas-lighting control-freak with an ego… and I don’t want to be an example in some article that touts new solutions to the problem in the world known as Narcissism.

I don’t want to be a problem in the world. As a recovering, undiagnosed narcissist I still need and crave your approval, world. So take it easy on the narcissist-hate posts. Have a little empathy for the ̶s̶u̶p̶e̶r̶-̶h̶u̶m̶a̶n̶s̶ err.. narcissistic types.

Cheers.

After thought:

Ryan Fan I saw that you posted on this very topic, and I am super curious about what you think of this one.

For those who don’t yet know this writer, check out his thoughts on this topic also.