I Can Finally Face My Student Loan Debt Without Sobbing

Accepting my reality after seven years of higher education

In July of 2018, I graduated from Hamline University with my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.

I have gone through a series of different emotions about my accomplishment, this rush of varied feelings starting a couple of months before I even graduated.

First, I was sad.

In my last semester, I felt the end of this wonderful experience nearing.

Mixed in with the sadness was a maddening anxiety.

I wanted to focus on my last semester and make it the best one, and while I think it was my best semester, I put so much pressure on myself to make it that way and I felt so much pressure to simultaneously figure out what was next for me that I had these visceral manifestations of anxiety - like feeling itchy and shaky from the inside out.

Second, there was dread.

A dread that escalated to panic whenever I looked at my student loans.

Third, there was pride.

When I pushed the dread and panic deep down inside me, I was able to feel a small sense of accomplishment. Though, I wouldn’t recommend doing it this way - the suppressing - because the dread came back.

The cycle went like this - sad, anxious, panicked, pride, panicked.

Of course, the student loans haven’t gone anywhere since July. They didn’t disappear because I sometimes shoved away the feelings I had toward them. The large numbers were still sitting there in my account, accruing interest and waiting for me.

I would look at them, so massive and harsh, and I would cry. I could barely collect myself enough to figure out a plan. All I saw was a number that indicated a foolish amount of debt attached to my name.

My degree was in the humanities, after all, how had I been so shortsighted to invest all that money in an essentially useless degree?

I knew that my degree wasn’t going to land me the best job when I set out to get it, but it was different after graduation. Though I applied feverishly, I couldn’t even get a job as an adjunct, which wouldn’t have paid well anyway, but would have made me feel like I was using my degree.

There was a heaviness to what I’d done as I looked at those numbers. I begged them to justify themselves, but they didn’t.

Then, a month after graduation, the letter from my University’s financial aid office came. I had to complete exit counseling to finalize the process of leaving the university.

I set it on my desk and waited a few days, thinking I could stave off the inevitable for just a while longer.

When I finally sat down to complete it, I steeled myself against the coming uncontrollable emotions, but they didn’t come.

With a clear head, I carefully reviewed the documents ahead of me. I analyzed my options for paying back my loans and without shedding a single tear or pulling my hair or fighting the urge to vomit, I chose the best one.

I logged onto my student loan account portal, and payed a couple hundred dollars toward a loan.

I’m not entirely sure what changed. Maybe it was the amount of time that had passed. Maybe it was that I was starting to hear back from other jobs. Maybe it was because I kept writing after graduation and that felt good, like I was using my degree, applying all the lessons I’d so excitedly learned, even if I wasn’t getting paid for it.

I still hate the numbers, but I can look at them with less fear now. I can justify them for myself.