Adventures in Coming Out Trans

I Came Out Transgender at Work

A response to Logan Silkwood’s Writing Prompt: Pivotal Moments

CW: dysphoria, explicit examples of internalized transphobia in self talk examined with positive self talk to counteract the statements

When I first started coming out as transgender to my closest friends I thought the process was only going to become more difficult and scarier as I told more people. As I entrusted my truth to those I knew on less intimate terms than my inner circle, I figured old anxieties and insecurities would make the experience unbearable or I would just shut down completely. Joyfully, I have found the opposite to be true. Each subsequent self-outing has led to an ease and confidence I never would have dreamt possible back in November of 2021 or any time ever in my previous life. All of my aforementioned outings can be found here:

Best Boss Forever (BBF)

I’ve been friends with my boss for nearly 14 years. We first met at Burning Man and partied a lot back in the day, but those are stories for another time. He’s only been my boss for a short time. The last few years we had lost touch but in October of 2021, through a mutual friend, I found out he was managing a local pizza joint and he needed delivery drivers. And I needed a job after recently ending my latest stint at an Amazon warehouse; another entry-level gig I quite quickly and carelessly quit, like in a myriad of previous positions.

Not having lofty goals is a symptom of my depersonalization and one way my dysphoria manifests. So while being a pizza delivery girl doesn’t seem like an accomplishment, it was on my tiny list of things to do before I recently began to see a future for myself and a life worth living. And frankly, I love it, the job, not the depersonalization and dysphoria. Despite not working anywhere longer than three years since I joined the workforce (McDonald’s) at the age of fourteen, I do have a lot of valuable experience in the restaurant industry and I am a total foodie. I enjoy being in the kitchen, especially a scratch kitchen. It’s great making food from actual ingredients and not just opening bags and boxes as I have done at other places. But I digress…

A few weeks ago I slept through three alarms and woke up an hour already into my shift. I had been up all night due to a lack of personal boundaries; something I’m working on, as you’ll no doubt note if you’re caught up on my whole story. Having been a manager myself at numerous employers I knew my friend had no choice but to issue a write-up outlining my poor conduct. Once the obligatory bureaucracy was out of the way though, he asked me if anything was going on my in life to warrant the instability. Now, while my transition is not directly related to the incident, I did take the opportunity to come out to him.

We went out to my car so we could have some privacy and I told him I was trans. I knew things would go well as he has a trans sister that he is mostly amicable towards. As is par for my course, he was understanding and accepting, although he brought up my sexuality without prompting, it’s not something I have a problem discussing with friends. In fact, I tend to encourage it with close friends as I’m still trying to figure that out.

Last night he gave me a propagated cutting from a 30+ spider plant that was in a random pot his wife picked out; I find it perfectly poignant.

I Keep Getting Deadnamed at Work

Last week our company had a planned quarterly outing to go bowling. I decided I was going to use this opportunity to come out to everyone else at my work. Most of my co-workers are Gen Z and I was not worried at this point and did not anticipate any push-back or static from them. The only other people I work with are my friend and a few fellow millennials.

The plan was to send out a short group text before we all met at the bowling alley and then there could be discussions over some play and beers. The first part of the plan went off without a hitch. I sent the text and took a shower.

Hey y’all it’s {deadname} with some great news for {feminine form of deadname}, you can keep your name! I’m changing mine. 😂

Ok, that needs some context. One of my coworkers had the same, feminine but identical sounding name as me and there was talk for months that she would need to be called something else; she was playfully anxious about it. There were so many times I wanted to pull her aside, come out to her and let her know that she could indeed keep her name as I would be changing mine. The text continued…

Let me back up here. I’ve recently accepted that I’m transgender and have begun transitioning. Part of this transition is a change of name and pronouns. I prefer she/her and I go by Victoria, but my friends call me Tori and I really hope we can all stay work friends. I know this is an adjustment but I truly appreciate your support as I continue on this journey.

When I got out of the shower I was greeted with a few warm and welcoming texts back and a serious bout of dysphoria.

I have nothing to wear, seriously all my clothes suck, they’re boring and don’t fit me at all. I suck.

What the fuck am I going to do with my hair, it’s in a totally awkward stage and sucks completely. I suck.

My voice is driving me nuts. nuts…

I can’t do this. I suck. I can’t do this. I suck. I can’t do this.

This is when my roommate, dear friend, and former partner, who is always trying her best to be supportive of me, knocked on my door asking for my help tweezing a tiny imperceptible blonde hair from her chin.

I hate my face, I suck at shaving, I can still see stubble everywhere, I suck. I can’t fucking do this.

I can’t fucking do this, I tell her and kick her out of my room. I did not go bowling.

If you experience gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia in your life, enby, trans, cis, whatevs and you just now internalized any of my dysphoric rambling, I want you to take a deep breath, repeat the following with me:

Dysphoria sucks! But it does not define me. I can do this. I get 1% better everyday. I am fully capable of accomplishing everything I set my beautiful mind to and I do. I am 1% better daily. I’ve got this!

Now internalize that. Take another deep breath or three. You’ve got this!

In spite of all the things I’m not 100% sure of in myself right now, this first week being fully out at work has been absolutely amazing! Yes, I have a lot of work to do and I’m actively working on it, I get 1% better every day. There have been occasional slip-ups from a co-worker or two, my boss being the second-worst at it, but I understand it’s all a learning process and I have patience. I want to be open and compassionate about the deadnaming and misgendering because The Worst offender… is me! I have not gotten it right a single time on the phone all week, but it’s ok. I’m giving myself room to grow. I am 1% better daily!

Thanks for reading my response to Logan Silkwood’s writing prompt asking about the pivotal moments in our lives that define who we are. Every time I have come out has been critically crucial to who I am. And I’ve learned something new and emboldening about myself every time. What have been those pivotal moments in your life?

I am 1% better today!

Aspirational regards,

💜 Victoria Quinn 💜

P.S. I’ve got this! And so do you! 😘