I Came Out As Non-Binary Before Going To The Military

The most toxically masculine place you can imagine…

The realization couldn’t come at a worse timing. One minute I had an identity crisis; the next, I was thrown onto the bus and suffered through three weeks of prison life with men. I had not had a panic attack for about two years, but ever since going into the military, I’d had at least three panic attacks and was sent to the hospital at one point. Seas of men and the absolute toxic masculinity suffocated me, literally.

Let me backtrack a little.

Taiwan has compulsory military service, and only men have to do it. The argument of whether all gender should do it or other factors concerning the older generation versus the youngsters had been a public discussion. Why? You might ask.

Well, because everything is ridiculous.

The duration of your military service depends on when you were born. For men born before 1994, the service will be one year, and men born after that only have to do four months. I am not entirely sure why the rules changed, but from what I’ve gathered, someone lost his life due to the bullying that happened quite often in the camp, which is not surprising to anyone.

If you have encountered Taiwanese men who went to the military, you will likely find them reminiscing the glorious time when they were soldiers. Especially the older generation. And I have finally figured out why.

When you put a bunch of teenagers who just turned adults together, they all come from different walks of life. To some of them, it’s their peaks, the highlight of their entire lives. They will, later on, drunkenly tell the customers in a bar and shit on the younger generation for only having to do it for four months instead of one or two years.

Believe it or not, I came from a household full of soldiers. And that is exactly why I have always felt out of place and could not fit in with my family. A black sheep, if you will. My dad always wanted me to go to the military, and he successfully converted my older brothers, who have been in the army for god knows how long. Even my now-divorced parents met when he was in the military, and my mom was working in the little shop in the base camp.

Before you enroll in the army, they will test your physical and mental health to ensure you are not in no condition to become a soldier. Not thoroughly, I might add. One of the criteria was that if you have flat feet, and depending on how flat they are, you might not need to do the service or can get assigned to Substitute Military.

So when my dad found out I had severe flat feet as a kid, he bought those correction shoe pads and put them in my shoes.

Notice that I said “Had”? Yes, because apparently, I don’t have flat feet anymore, and it was devastating when I found out during the physical exam. Luckily, my mom knew about my strong desire not wanting to do the military, so she helped me apply to sign up for the substitute military.

For those who don’t know, substitute military is like an alternative military service. After three weeks of regular boot camp, you will be assigned to different government facilities for your time there, including district offices, schools, and libraries. I even heard one of them got sent to the zoo, and someone was assigned to the temple.

So no, we do not need to learn how to hold a gun. Probably for the best, anyway.

When I graduated from university, I couldn’t immediately find work or travel because of the service. I was staying in the UK for a couple of months before going back to Taiwan, knowing that military service is something I have to deal with first. Even if you decide to use some measures to get out of it or postpone it, some companies will not hire you if they know you will eventually be gone for four months. If I am honest, this rule feels like a restriction on men.

It makes sense on the company’s part but doesn’t make sense for the modern young men in 2022.

And about the non-binary part, to be frank, I am still quite confused. I remember an episode of “Doraemon,” the Japanese cartoon about a robotic cat who traveled back in time to help his younger master using futuristic inventions. The boy realized that many of his problems would be resolved if he were a girl. So the robot brought out a “What if telephone booth,” you pick up the phone and say a statement starting with “if,” and it will become the new reality.

So the boy said: “If I were a girl.” And Bang! He became her.

All I could remember from that episode was the desire to be a girl because it would make so much sense, and all my problems would disappear.

No bullying for being gay, high hopes for a boy to become a stand-up man, and no military service.

After a discussion with a friend, he pointed out that I also don’t have any problem with my male biological body. And that if I were raised differently, maybe I would want to transition or act on the desire to be a woman. But that’s not the case, the suppressed feeling of being a gay man has been a part of my identity for so long, and it has solidified to a point where I can’t deal with the consequences of becoming a woman.

But he also said maybe you should look into gender nonconforming or non-binary. And even though I am no stranger to these terms, applying them to myself was another level of confusion. I had so many questions, like do I have to change my pronouns? Should I dress a certain way? Should I tell people? I mean, I came out to people as a gay man. Does that mean I have to do it all again?

And before I could even answer those questions or get help, the notice came in the mail. I shaved my luxurious long hair that I had been growing for two years and got ready to deal with what I could only imagine as a hellish experience.

And oh boy, you have no idea.

During the peak of the pandemic, all 500 and more adolescent men arrived in the boot camp. We slept together in the same room with not much space in between. We ate the crappy food that either made you constipated or had explosive diarrhea. People yelled at us for no reason, and we were treated like prisoners.

And the whole time, all I could think of was, what did I do to deserve this?

Was I wrong to be born as a male in this country? Should I be more patriotic and take pride in serving my country? Am I depressed?

Yes. No. And 1000 % yes.

I also figured out my fear of authoritative men. It doesn’t matter if they are cops who stop you on the street, the bouncers in front of a club, or the soldiers who are your boss. After my first panic attack, they sent me to the hospital to get my prescription. I told the psychiatrist my past experiences with straight men, and the doctor looked at me with a pitiful expression.

He explained that my body had been on high alert since I got to the camp. My survival instinct forced me to pump out as much adrenaline as humanly possible, and that’s why I couldn’t sleep at night. However, the mosquitoes and summer heat did not help, either.

By the time I was finally released into the real world, my legs were covered in scratches and scars from the mosquito bites, breakouts all over my face from the lack of hygiene, exhaustion from constant panic attacks, and dozed-off mind from taking too much Xanax. I suffered through everything, only to find the real world outside has had the highest Covid cases since the pandemic started in Taiwan.

We are broken soldiers returning to their homes just to find everything has become unrecognizable. Our salary from the government was so low that I couldn’t even pay rent, and I was not allowed to work on the side. In fact, I am writing this in the school where I do my service right now. I went from a glorious salesperson, making more than enough money from my work, to dealing with kids and paperwork for an hourly rate that is not even the minimum wage.

I am in no way trying to cause any war between any political groups because, just like everything else these days, there are so many perspectives involved, and you can’t single anything out. But I am being honest with my feelings.

I felt like shit for the entire three weeks. I still don’t feel too good now that I am out because the amount of pressure from the lack of income scared me. I was finally at a place where I was making enough that I didn’t feel anxious anymore.

I met a young entrepreneur at the boot camp who was so anxious about how his company was doing while he was gone that he broke down in tears. The military service robbed my freedom away from me, and I am sure many people felt the same way. So many young men were going through some of the most challenging times in their twenties, and I sincerely think taking away their chances of figuring out themselves are in some way a punishment for all the men in Taiwan.

And though saying all of these probably will not affect the policy and the law, you’re probably not even from a country with compulsory military service, but here’s the takeaway:

Countless countries still have mandatory military service; some even apply to all genders. But in a time like this, does the government really need to force everyone to join like what happens in Mulan? And even if a war were to break down during your service, would these freshly trained civilians be able to go to war and defend the country? (I know there are ongoing wars, and it baffles me why this is still a thing. Really, in 2022?) There is a shortage of medical professionals because the pandemic made lives a living hell for all doctors and nurses. But going to war is something we must constantly train new blood, whether they like it or not?

Ok, that’s my cue. The country needs me to deal with our future generation now. Even though they are on summer break, and I am just doing random admin work now. But I am honored.

No, I absolutely am not honored.

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