KIDS GONE WILD

I Brought Six Kids on a Central-American Vacation So You Don’t Have to

But it was more inspiring than I’d expected it to be

Yup, we’re those parents.

You know the ones. They tag along with their high-school senior on spring break. It’s pathetic. It’s also a great way to fly.

In our defense, we were killing two birds with one jet engine (sorry). We have two seniors —our “Irish twins” John (18) and Wes (17). It wasn’t so much that we wanted to interfere with any adolescent revelry. We just really really really wanted to go back to Utila, Honduras.

We’d gone there in 2014 — two kids ago.

So why Honduras? Great question.

TL/DR: It’s my husband’s fault.

Joe is not happy to go on a cruise, or for us to beach ourselves at a resort like the great, white whales we absolutely are. He needs novelty. He needs the locals’ experience, and to rent a busted-ass vehicle, tie our bags onto the roof with a clothesline plus trash bags for tarps, and get us lost. To take a sketchtastic car ferry in 90-degree heat to Mal Pais [external link], as we did in Costa Rica in 2016. To talk fluently and frankly with people who are not white dudes in Hawaiian shirts and socks with sandals.

Joe needs to feel like he’s in a Jurassic-Park scene, bushwhacking shit and wielding some seasoned badassery like Robert Muldoon. Our youngest two kids would be the Velociraptors fighting each other in this metaphor. And one of our teenagers is the T. rex that chomps them both when they’re being too annoying.

The bottom line? If it’s not an exotic pain in the ass to go there, Joe’s not stoked to go.

Stark contrast here. I am someone who craves sameness. I always get the spaghetti bolognese at Olive Garden; large Coke with extra ice. I park in the same spot every time.

Were I in charge of picking, we’d save our pennies and visit the same, pedestrian place every few years. Think Club Med Ixtapa. We’d know what we’re getting, and there’d be sand, sun, sailing, and who-gives-a-shit what else. Cropdusters would spray DDT everywhere, and we’d never leave the confines of our gringo cage. And most importantly, there would be NO thinking.

Oye, Utila: She is like a line from Es Verdad, by Federico García Lorca. “¡Ay, qué trabajo me cuesta/ quererte como te quiero!”

I love to swim in the warm ocean and look at the amazing reef invertebrates. Utila and the other Bay Islands are located in the Mesoamerican Reef [external link], which is the second-largest barrier reef in the world.

It’s a bucket-list location and a snorkeler’s and diver’s paradise.

But with a family, is traveling to Utila a no-brainer?

Utila is Central-America lite. It’s not like you’re going to Nicaragua with the Duggars or anything. But should you be bold enough to go to Utila with children, there are a few things to know before you go.

Obviously, valid passports are needed. But you no longer have to provide a negative Covid-19 antigen test or proof of vaccination to enter Honduras.

To get there, fly to the larger island of Roatan and take a ferry to Utila. There are other routes, but this is the best way to take in the scenery.

In 2014, there were “only” six of us and one of us was an infant, so we were lightweight enough to take a charter plane from Roatan to the island. In 2023 our family was too big for one small plane. So we boarded the Utila-bound ferry with trepidation. But the damn thing is nicer than what you’d ride across the Puget Sound. It’s got A/C! Bring non-drowsy Dramamine, though. If the water is choppy, people will barf. The good news is that they pass out trash bags at the beginning of the hourlong ride.

Stay in a house on the beachfront — either on the east-facing side, or just west of town. VRBO and Airbnb have many vacation rental options, which you’ll likely need to book about a half a year in advance.

You can bike to town for dinner — or drive a golf cart across much of the inhabited portion of the island — in a matter of minutes. There are hotels, and these are probably much easier on the budget. But nothing beats staying at a house that literally has snorkeling in its backyard! Effortless fun: just add sunscreen.

About 4,500 people live on Utila, and many are expats from the U.S. and Canada. Most speak some English. Joe is fluent in Spanish, and I am “fluent enough” to get by. Despite the ease of communication relative to some places in Central America, it’s very helpful to speak Spanish.

You also don’t need to worry about antimalarial medications — provided that you’re going there for a few weeks or less. If you’re staying in a home or hostel with an RO (Reverse Osmosis) system, the water’s fine to drink. Ditto bottled water on the island. But do not drink the tap water.

The food is safe to eat. The restaurants are invariably delicious. There’s also a modest supermarket called Bush’s, which offers most of the staples.

There’s a hospital on the island, and there is also a hyperbaric chamber for divers. People tend to call local businesses and each other via WhatsApp — but strangely, nobody seems to answer the phone. The best way to get somewhere fast is with a golf cart, motorcycle, or bike. Those are available for rent in town.

Some parts of the island — e.g., the West end; South Beach — are accessible only by boat. For a small fee you can take a mini-ferry through the lagoon to Neptune’s, which is a private beach and eatery. There is also an awesome new restaurant and bar on the West End called The Dive. It’s highly worth the 20-minute ocean skiff ride you’ll have to take to get there.

The beaches are fucking rad. Even if you never dip a toe in the idyllic waters, the arena en los arenales is perfection.

Bring reef shoes, but advise your kids to try never to touch the reef. Coral is an animal, after all! Also, please remind them not to collect shells, and that lots of shit in the ocean can sting them if they try to touch it. Fire coral, conchs, stingrays, etc, are there to be seen from afar!

The upside to the scary stuff is that your kids will have a great ecology lesson and a grand appreciation for conserving these places.

If you want to be completely unplugged and utterly immersed in ocean wilderness — if you want to go on a family trip you’ll truly be sad to see the end of — go there. Take a note from Dory in Finding Nemo, and just let go of the need to control everything.

When the hell else are your children going to see a whale shark in the wild? Or an octopus, just a few feet away, that isn’t in an aquarium?

Two of our teens got SCUBA certified there. Utila is one of the best places on earth to do this. There are dive shops and diving outfits throughout the town, and it’s very easy to find someone to take you to the best locations. There are at least 60 dive sites nearby [external link to source].

We will be going back in 2025, for (you guessed it) our third child’s senior spring break. Our youngest three kids will be 11, 9, and 6 at that point, so the littlest will no longer have to sleep in a life jacket.

Wooooo! Who’s excited?

Questions? Concerns? Offers to fly with one of our children so we don’t have to?

Comment here and holler at me, gringos.

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