I Broke Up With Sex Three Years Ago

What I Learned About Myself and How My Life Changed For The Better (a perfect practice during a global pandemic?)

Why Did I Decide To Turn To Celibacy?

Three years ago, I found myself in a unique situation. I had just broken up with my partner of three years, and felt as though I was completely done with dating and relationships. Not only because of the sadness and heartbreak, but also because I realized that I had never been single long enough to truly fall in love with myself and discover who I was as an individual. From the tender age of 14, I jumped from long term relationship to long term relationship. I developed codependent thinking in that I was validated as a human being only when in a relationship. It literally felt as though I couldn’t function in the world alone. For whatever reason, my last break up triggered the realization within myself that I needed as much time as it took alone, to find myself as a woman, stand on my own two feet, and deeply love myself. For me, taking time to be alone meant, zero sex, zero casual dating, complete celibacy.

The ‘Reward System’ And Sex

When I first made the firm decision of celibacy, it felt like a sex-detox. Having always been in long term relationships, sex had become a regular part of everyday life. When it was gone, I recognized a mental craving similar to that of quitting cigarettes. I was so used to the routine, pattern, and anticipation of sex, my brain needed rewiring (much like any habit you commit to quit). Why was my brain craving sex and not my physical body? Simply put, the ‘reward system’.

Human beings may be the most evolutionarily evolved creatures on the planet; yet, our brains are still primitively wired for the ‘reward-system’. When you do something that makes you feel good, ‘happy chemicals’ are released into the brain, encouraging the repetition of that same action. These chemicals, called endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin (all of which are interrelated), are stored in the brains memory bank, and craved when we want to feel good.

Having a good laugh with family and friends, cuddling up in bed with your partner, exercising, eating your favorite sweet-treat, and sex, are all examples of activities that can release ‘happy chemicals’ in your brain; thus, incentivizing you to do it again.

The ultimate connection two people can share (in the physical sense), is by having sex. Two individual beings are literally entering into each other, exchanging the deepest of their energies. In addition to the physical pleasures we experience during sex, ‘happy chemicals’ are released into the brain, and travel throughout the body creating the perfect combination for the ‘reward system’. Sex = Feel Good = Repeat.

On my journey to self love, I was determined to fill my life with other positive, fun, loving, activities that flooded my brain with ‘happy chemicals’. A way of proving to myself that I did not need a relationship and/or sex to feel good about and validate who I am.

What I Discovered About My Celibate Self

1. My energy came back ten-fold.
2. My mental focus and creative growth exploded.
3. My spirituality awakened and deepened more than I thought possible.
4. I naturally started validating and falling in love with myself.

(Below is the fabulous HINDZ, talking about his celibacy journey. He also has a part 2 & 3)

Sex Is Our Most Powerful Energy

Every human being has incredible energy forces we hold within our bodies. Growing up in a highly spiritual household, with a major influence of Hinduism, we referred to these energies by their Hindi names. The most powerful and vital life force energy we possess is called Prana.

Swami Chidananda tells us: “Prana is our most precious energetic reserve. The activity that consumes the greatest amount of prana is the act of sex. If it is preserved, concentrated and diverted into other specific channels (outside of sex), it works wonders.”

A few months into my celibacy journey, I noticed a dramatic increase in energetic (internal) and physical energy; an abundance of energy to put toward other aspects of my life.

Expending Renewed Energy Into Creative Growth

For me, creativity expresses itself best through writing, photography, and music (singing). The newly refueled internal energy quickly converted itself into intense bursts of outward creativity. I found my mind much more clear, as if a fog had lifted. My focus was in direct line of fire to nurture, build, and transform my creative outlets into a steady career. There were zero distractions to deviate my focus. All the transmuted energy exploded into creative growth, not only improving my quality of creative expression, but also raising my level of financial wealth and career sucess. What you focus on, is what grows.

Spiritual Connection And Awakening

Much like anything else you turn your attention to and focus on, the more it expands. When I gave up sex and entertaining relationships outside of myself, my focus on spiritual awareness deeply awakened.

Swamini Sivananda says: “Brahmacharya (celibacy) has changed my perception of myself, of others, of everything. It’s been so interesting to realize how much of my ego-self was bound up with sexuality and sexual desire. And the effect on my sadhana (spiritual practice) has been most profound. I’m not sure I can put it into words. Let’s just say there’s definitely a good reason why all spiritual traditions recommend celibacy. Sex is great, but no sexual experience-and I’ve had a lot of them-could even come close to this.”

Once I became aware of the expansion of clarity my mind and physical body experienced with celibacy, it was natural to zone my focus on my spiritual practice. It is difficult to explain the exact feeling that comes with expansion of consciousness and devotion to the inner self. The best way I can describe it is the lifting of a vail. The end goal has always been there, waiting for you to reach for it. All you have to do is look within yourself, and the layers of vails slowly start to lift.

The expansion of consciousness isn’t always a grandiose, cosmic, experience. It is often very subtle, and takes time and dedication. For example, you may notice the sun shining a little brighter, the beauty of nature touches your soul a little deeper, your patience and compassion grow a little further. You may realize that people and situations that used to bring you down naturally drift away, and people and situations that bring you joy and fulfillment start to surround you.

My relationship with my Guru (Ammachi) became stronger. All the conserved (pranic) energy stored inside of me, because of celibacy, converted into devotional energy toward Amma. The transfer and shift of energies was always seamless; nothing was ever forced. At times it went unnoticed until I reflected inward on how I was feeling.

Falling In Love With And Validating Myself

The longer I was celibate, the more I recognized and truly understood my own self worth. For the first time in my life, I created the space for self reliance. I didn’t “need” anyone to lean on, I had myself.

The convergence and interrelationship created by replenishing my physical and spiritual energy, deepening and expanding my spiritual practice, growing my creative connection to the universe, and focusing solely on myself, melded together to manifest into the person of self love I am today.

Conclusive Results

I was once a person that swore they could never be celibate. It was a part of my life the way anything else was; eating, drinking, sleeping, exercising, etc. Even though I had the knowledge of the benefits of celibacy, I couldn’t image my life without a partner and sex.

Now, I look back at who I was three years ago, and acknowledge that I am a completely different person. I have witnessed and experienced the changes that happen mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually when you become celibate.

I’m not saying that you need to become celibate to fully fall in love with yourself. It may be an extreme example of finding self love, worth, and validation. For me, it works. If you decide to try celibacy, often reflect inward, and you will see the positive changes.

-Much Love-