I Broke up With a Friend Today

And you probably should too

On the very first day of the year, I was forced to have a difficult conversation with a long-time friend and tell her that I no longer wanted her in my life.

There’s no sugarcoating this — it’s a shitty feeling and nothing compares to it. And the worst part is, no one prepares you for this type of breakup. We talk about romantic relationships and family ties endlessly but friendship breakups are a whole other level of heartbreaking and there’s hardly any conversation about it.

Here’s the story of how it happened.

I was first introduced to her through my sister over two years ago when I first moved to the city. Initially, we would meet socially here and there and only spend time together when my sister would organize an event and invite us. We both live in the same area of the town so over time, we started to run into each other more often and spend more time together. Now, my sister wasn’t too thrilled at the idea of us meeting without her, and ironically, that became the catalyst for us becoming even closer friends. We would get together more often to discuss my sister’s toxic behavior and how unjustified she was to say I couldn’t be friends with “her friend”. As though we were six and I was stealing her Barbie doll at naptime!

My sister had always been slightly on the jealous side (or a lot — but she might read this so I'll keep it polite…) and her reaction to me befriending her friend wasn’t entirely unexpected from my experience.

But our mutual friend had an understandably different thought process. She couldn’t fathom the idea of an adult woman, going around telling other people who they should or should not be friends with — and fair enough, she had a good point.

Long story short, despite the attempts of my sister to end this friendship, we ended up getting closer by the day.

Time passed and months down the road, I started to realize something wasn’t quite right with our friendship.

At this point, we had become quite close and would meet multiple times a week to grab coffee and chat, go shopping, or workout together. One day, I reached out to her to hang out, which was pretty ordinary based on our routine, but she said she couldn’t because she was “cleaning her fridge”. So I said OK and asked when she would be done or what time she preferred to meet instead and she came up with another excuse. Now, here was when I noticed a slight hint of resentment popping up in my head.

Now, I generally have a high interoceptive awareness but I allow most emotions to just flow through me without much analysis — except one. There’s one emotion that I immediately shine the spotlight on and that’s resentment.

In my experience, resentment is the best indicator of a need for transformation — whether that be internally or externally. Resentment could mean one of two things, either I was being an immature brat about something and refusing to accept responsibility and carry my burden, or someone was taking advantage of me, consciously or unconsciously, and I had to take action. Finding the source of my resentment has always been incredibly useful in my implementation of boundaries.

I read her message and started to think. Why was I feeling angry that she didn’t want to meet? Was I being unreasonable for expecting to hang out that day? Was her rejection of my offer of meeting a one-time thing or a pattern?

I started to look back at all the times we spent together. What did we do? Where did we go? How often would we meet?

I started to notice that most of our meetings, if not to discuss my sister, had been of me helping her with something or meeting her at her location (or activity) of choice. Now, I’m always happy to help out a friend (or a stranger for that matter) so it didn’t even cross my mind that something was off.

For context, I went through quite a transition last year with a number of major life changes overlapping so my mind was at capacity and this friendship just started to flow naturally without me focusing on developing it intentionally.

Regardless, the realization that our friendship has been mostly one-sided was quite a shock. I was the one reaching out most of the time, and being rejected 90% of the times I asked her to meet, with different excuses each time, most of which were her just “not being in the mood” for whatever I had suggested but me being on call for everything she needed help with.

Eventually, I knew I had to confront her about it so I took a few days to both gather my thoughts and test whether she would reach out to me if I didn’t as per usual.

She didn’t message me. (surprise surprise)

Over two weeks later, she finally sent me a text only to ask if I had something planned for New Year’s Eve as she wanted an invite.

Naturally, I decided it was time to have a conversation about it. I sent her a message explaining what I had noticed in a clear but non-accusatory manner and told her how one-sided it had felt for me to be the only one helping, giving her free access to my gym and sauna, being there for her no matter what and feeling taken advantage of that I wasn’t receiving any form of reciprocation.

Her response was what made me sure I was making the right decision by cutting her off. She got defensive and started to accuse me of being a problem. And that she wasn’t rejecting my offers to meet but rather I was the one asking “too much” and that she could change her mind about the plans we make any time based on what she felt and I should just accept that. She then completely denied the fact that I ever helped her and topped it off with the classic “I didn’t ask you to do it”!

She was right. I didn’t have to do all that, I chose to and I can choose to stop. But the problem with this type of mindset is, it leaves you void of any deep meaningful relationship with the people around you. If you choose to live selfishly and only consider your own wants and needs, people will ultimately stop spending time with you. Moods can change, circumstances will shift, and human connections require a level of commitment and reliability that does not rely on your mood of the second.

You may not “feel like” going to the gym all the time, but you should.

You may not “feel like” playing with your kids every day, but you should.

You may not “feel like” going to that event you committed to days prior, but you should.

Because that’s the fucking point, we’re not always going to be in the mood for the things that are good for our well-being in the long run, whether that be physical or psychological needs.

Only two-year-olds are justified in having such a low capacity that they are incapable of acting differently than what they feel internally that exact second. As a socialized adult, you should be able to do better and have some self-control.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned and accepted in my adult life is that being alone is always — and I mean always — better than being in bad company. Making peace with that always allowed me to choose my circle very carefully and cut ties with anyone who didn’t want the best for the best in me.

Whether that be romantic relationships, friends, or even family, if you’re being harmed, abused, used, or even dragged down and unfulfilled, you have the right and the responsibility to walk away.

As heartbreaking as this friendship breakup was, it came at the perfect time. I started my 2024 with the reminder to let go of everything and everyone weighing me down and that’s a lifelong journey. The more we grow, the more deadwood there is to chip and the process will go on forever.

This friendship might not have been that “toxic” or unbearably unhealthy, but I still choose to keep a distance as I’m aiming to be more intentional with my time and only allowing valuable people in my inner circle and I think you should too.

Start the year by taking a close look at the people in your life. Are they there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? It’s the perfect time to decide.