I Blew My First Shot At A Book Deal By Being Me

So this is what rejection feels like.

Just in case you missed it, I quit my job in December to focus on writing here full-time. Yes, right here. Yes, it’s a crazy move. Do I have too many eggs in one basket? You betcha.

But even so, I’ve yet to regret it. And don’t worry--I am working on other avenues like Patreon and an email list.

Still, I feel like I’m pretty much where I’m supposed to be for now. If there was ever such a place. Actually, since I began writing last April, it’s the first time in my whole life that I’ve ever felt like I’m on my "path."

When I quit my job two months ago, it was the scariest decision I'd ever made, but it got me out of an abusive work situation. And since quitting, I'm finally earning more than I ever made freelancing.

People like to point out how there’s no guarantee that what I’m doing will pay off for too long. And they’re right--it could all end tomorrow. But if freelancing for trusted "friends" taught me anything, it’s that there are zero guarantees to anything we do.

Seriously. There are no guarantees. So why not love what you do for as long as you can? That's my thinking.

A Good Sign?

Less than 72 hours after quitting my job, a literary agent in New York contacted me. She brought up my piece, Here’s What We Don’t Say When We Talk About Depression, and wanted to know if I was interested in agent representation. And then she asked if I had a book-length project in the works.

Look, it was pretty damn exciting, even though I knew that writing a book is not the same as what I currently do--writing stories online. And hey, I knew that having an agent reach out to me didn't mean I would get a book deal.

It didnt matter, because it’s pretty awesome to have any professional in the publishing industry look at my work and think they’d like to help me get my writing out to a much wider audience.

So what happened? I'll tell you.

Strike One

My first task was to make a list of books ideas or topics I was interested in writing about. I did that, and I was pretty excited to get some real feedback.

But the feedback I received was pretty small. Okay, it was non-existent. The agent told me that she was worried that all of my ideas were better as magazine articles and none of them sounded like a book.

Well, shit. I was a little bit disappointed. I knew that writing a book would never be easy, but I didn’t realize my earliest ideas would be rejected without an actual discussion.

The agent told me to go ahead and give it more time to really reflect deeply upon the book I might write. So I chatted with a published author friend, and she helped me think about the kind of books I wish had been available at different times in my life.

That led to a whole new level of excitement. I found myself looking at a few different book ideas that not only meshed with my strengths, but appealed to my desire to help others get through some of the worst shit I’ve battled alone.

Strike Two

A few days later, I opened up my heart and sent the ideas off to the agent, admitting that I knew nothing about the publishing world. I asked her to let me know if I was missing something about the process. Guess what? I heard nothing back for two weeks.

Not wanting to wait too much longer, I sent a follow-up email. The agent assured me that she’d respond later in the day. And she did.

“I’m not sure I’m seeing any of these ideas come together as a book. Additionally, I don’t currently have an idea in mind that I can envision for you.

The tricky part about this process is there is no formula. Of course, if you feel strongly about one topic, don’t let me hold you back, as you are the writer.”

Well, there you have it.

Of course, I thanked the agent for her insight and reiterated that I didn’t know the process and exactly what was being asked from me. I haven't gotten a response back.

And I’m Out

As disappointing as it might have been to be approached by an agent and then be told that none of my ideas were good enough, I have a surprising amount of peace about the whole thing.

Clearly, this agent and I were not a match made in heaven. Sure, I love the idea of having someone in my corner. A professional who believes in me and my work? Right on. But it doesn’t seem like this agent did believe in my work since she wasn’t even willing to talk about my book ideas.

Honestly, I’m still not sure what she was looking for. Perhaps an author with a nearly complete book. Or some revolutionary, never before imagined idea. But she wasn't looking for me.

At any rate, a book doesn’t even feel urgent. At least, not yet. Maybe 10 more months from now I’ll feel more urgency, but for now, I’m alright with letting my ideas percolate a little while longer.

I do feel pretty confident that I will write a few books in my lifetime. But there’s still room to figure it all out.

So what were my ideas that were so terrible--too terrible--for discussion?

No Good Terrible Idea #1

I had a pretty terrifying pregnancy with my daughter Sophie, who was born in April of 2014. Her father and I had a terribly toxic relationship which played out like a real-life telenovela. The pregnancy was unplanned, and I battled severe prenatal depression with suicidal ideation that only grew worse when my ex abruptly ended our engagement and left me in Iowa to stay with Facebook friends.

I was a wreck, and I couldn't imagine how to possibly love a child more than I thought I loved her dad. I feared I wouldn't be able to bond with my child because I would be constantly reminded of my broken heart.

The entire pregnancy was a joyless one, and I was filled with guilt that I couldn't bring myself to feel good about having a baby. The worst thing was that I couldn't escape picture perfect, happy couples--all bright-eyed about bringing kids into the world. Most books and movies made for expectant mothers all assumed that pregnancy was a happy occasion and the father was going to be involved. I had no clue how much my ex would be involved since we fought so much and he wasn't supportive during the pregnancy.

Nobody seemed to understand how I felt. I was grieving the loss of my relationship and the future I had naively planned for. There were these toxic blurred lines with my ex where he tried to get me to come back to Tennessee just to be fuck buddies. And I struggled to come to terms with motherhood.

People wanted me to "get over it and move on," but I honestly didn't know how. It was this horribly dark and lonely time in my life, where all I wanted was for someone to understand why I was so torn.

Single motherhood seemed so impossible, that I spent many, many months in isolation wanting to kill myself. Debating it even. And then, of course, I was wracked with guilt for potentially harming my daughter with my severe depression.

Even once I gave birth and had a place to focus all of that energy, I struggled.

I wanted to read books that acknowledged how scary and lonely pregnancy could be. I wanted to hear from single moms who had been to hell and back, because I was surely in hell and had no idea if I could recover.

Despite dealing with pregnancy resource centers, 'homes' for unwed mothers, and various groups aimed at helping single moms, none of them seemed to understand what a woman in crisis really needs. My mental health was deteriorating and I longed for basic friendship.

That early transition to motherhood was so hard for me, that I spent one weekend in a mental health crisis center, and it was jarring to see how impotent the help was. I checked myself out early because it was so useless and I felt so guilty about being away from my baby.

At that point, I didn't have many maternal feelings--there had been no instant love for my daughter. The only thing that got me through those first few years was reading about attachment theory and realizing that I could give my daughter a healthier relationship than anything my parents had given me.

That’s how the love grew.

My transition to motherhood stretched my mental health to the brink. But it also helped me find my way back because I had to give my daughter a stable parental figure. It took more than two years, but I finally severed the toxic relationship with her dad. And although I still have my difficult days, I've learned a lot about how to manage my mental and emotional health in a much more positive way.

Unplanned parenthood and prenatal depression changed my life. I liken it to the end quote in the Silver Linings Playbook film:

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday, that’s guaranteed.

And I can’t begin to explain that--or the craziness inside myself and everybody else, but guess what? Sunday is my favorite day again."

What I suppose I'm saying is that I want to write the book I so desperately needed to read during my own pregnancy and early stages of motherhood. A book that is brutally honest about how frightening mental health issues can be for pregnant women, and how hard it is to get good help.

It would be a book that hits deep into the darkness because there was a time that I wanted to kill myself every single day. But the story would end with hope, because I did get through that darkness.

Motherhood changed my life and turned it all upside down, but in a funny way, it also saved me. I don't think I ever would have pursued my love for writing if I hadn't had to face single motherhood--along with the need to work from home. And I never would have learned how strong or patient I really am.

Plus, it made me painfully aware of the huge need for better mental health care for parents, particularly single mothers.

How could I not want to tell that story?

No Good Terrible Idea #2

Speaking of the kind of message I needed to read in my younger years, there's one book that could have saved me a world of grief. I’d like to write a book that more or less serves as a how-to manual for young people coming out of evangelicalism.

Because I was raised in such a strict Christian home by a mentally ill mother, I grew up very frightened of things like eternal damnation and demon possession. My adolescence coincided with the height of the purity movement where We all read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and believed we were supposed to abstain from any sexual or romantic activity until marriage.

It was such a stressful time. I made terrible decisions for myself because I wasn't prepared for the real world. Even marriage was no escape, because I suffered from vaginismus which prevented penetrative sex.

Young people steeped in such religiosity need a guide to help them break away and think for themselves. It would have changed my life to know how to take ownership of my own body years ago. Or how to choose my own lifestyle without being swallowed up by guilt.

Young people from rigid backgrounds like me need to unlearn years of negative messages so we can then learn how to approach sex, dating, and birth control. Or how to take care of our mental health and recognize when others place unhealthy expectations upon us. I want to write a book that basically helps others explore life on their own terms, rather than finding themselves trapped to please their parents, God, or any church.

No Good Terrible Idea #3

Another book I think an awful lot about writing is the story of my internship year with Teen Mania Ministries. The now defunct "ministry" had an "internship" in Northeast Texas where young people paid to be there and the ministry ran on the resulting free labor. I'd love to explain how young people and their families fell for the cult, and how it negatively impacted so many of us over the years. And I'd also like to tell the story of our (eventually successful) efforts to shut the organization down.

People have such specific ideas about cults which can make certain fringe groups survive as if they were really harmless and mainstream. Despite having a terrible year in the internship, it took me (and many others) several years to even recognize we were in a cult.

In case you missed it, for a while I ran a blog which housed hundreds of stories from former interns and parents who’d seen Teen Mania’s abuses of power firsthand. MSNBC also aired a documentary about the internship while it was still active. For many years, Teen Mania had all of the proper accreditations you’d expect any Christian organization to have. Bands like The Newsboys and Switchfoot worked with the ministry.

We need to talk about how dangerous cults get by and embraced by mainstream Christians.

No Good Terrible Idea #4

This is actually a book I've been thinking about writing since I first decided to begin a writing career last spring. I keep coming back to the same name--Big Feelings In Adulting: A Positive Mental Hygiene Workbook For Grownups Who Are Sick of #Adulting. The idea for a workbook is largely inspired by my love for Fred Rogers, and my belief that we need more of his wisdom in our everyday lives.

All of my writing--seriously, all of it--is heavily influenced by the Mister Rogers quote that "anything human is mentionable..."

When we approach our mental health in a positive way, as Fred so strongly advocated, we don’t sweep our difficult feelings under the rug. We talk about them--even as adults. Especially as adults. And we look for ways to get through those emotions. I think of it as a sort of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood for adults to undo some of the toxic lessons we learned in childhood. A little more rough around the edges. Occasional profanity, because I’m writing for adults in the midst of all the challenges of #adulting.

I think about the popularity of adult coloring books and infographics with mental health tips and think, why not give adults a more creative way to approach their mental health? Something packed with honesty and relatable exercises too.

So What Now?

Just because one literary agent thinks that none of these ideas are book worthy doesn't make it true. Should I give up? No, I really don't want to. And I don't think that I should.

My book ideas were rejected, and maybe I should feel bad about it. Perhaps I ought to be wallowing in despair and worrying about my next move. But for whatever reason, I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of. I pitched a variety of ideas that are utterly and completely me. Any of the books above would be my heart on paper.

Call me crazy, but I think there would be an audience for each one. But hey, what do I know. I'm no professional. I've never even written a book before.

I still believe it’s important to talk about our trauma honestly in order to heal, and that it’s equally important to use our past trauma to help others heal as we heal ourselves. I have had an enormous amount of trauma in my life, and clearly many readers connect with that.

These topics are all too large to cover here in mere 4 to 10-minute pieces. I haven't been able to thoroughly detail the experiences as they actually occurred, nor reflect upon them half as much as they deserve simply because it would take a book to get through each one.

Well? Good thing I'm my own biggest fan. I'm not ready to give up anytime soon.

If you love my work and want to support my efforts to break cycles of stigma and shame through awkward honesty, visit me on Ko-fi. From there, you can follow and support my future projects.